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  • Sean 3:55 pm on August 12, 2014 Permalink | Reply  

    Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!

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  • Sean 8:49 pm on January 2, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , cruelty   

    {a woman talking VERY loudly during a phone conversation}

    Woman: He spent a lot of money on that boat. He deserves to ride it!
    [pause]
    Woman: What the hell is he gonna do with a gerbil?

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  • Sean 10:40 pm on November 18, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Danger   

    (after some jokes involving knives & hobos in which it is insinuated that Sean is stabby)

    Dave: Better be careful with the way you dress Sarah. Sean might mistake you for a hobo.

    (awkward murdering silence as everyone examines Sarah’s attire)

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  • Sean 9:14 pm on June 15, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: clipboards, easy way out   

    (a college-aged woman stands outside a supermarket with a clipboard. random guy approaches)

    Woman: Excuse me sir, do you have a minute to save our oceans from pollution?
    Man (stopping): Save our oceans from what?
    Woman: From ocean pollution.
    The man stares at her blankly. He’s stuck.
    Man: Yeah, I have no idea what that is.
    Woman (mouth slightly open): Ok. Thanks for your time.

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  • Sean 3:00 pm on December 26, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Diet, people, revisionist history, WWII   

    Sarah: Why did we come into the mall?

    Sean: Because we hate people?

    Steve: Hating people burns a lot of calories. Look at Hitler, he wasn’t overweight.

    Sean: Wasn’t he a vegetarian though?

    Steve: That may have had something to do with it.

    Sean: I wonder why he didn’t eat meat. It certainly wasn’t for moral reasons.

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  • Sean 12:06 am on December 16, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: contagious, Disease, lies   

    Satya: He told me it was a really mild case of Ebola.

    (later)

    Satya: After he left I sprayed the whole place down with Lysol.

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  • Sean 8:07 pm on November 17, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: buzzkill,   

    Sarah: Nothing takes the romance out of a moment like stepping on a slug.

    (runs off into the bathroom to wipe off her foot)

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  • Sean 11:14 am on October 23, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , hipster, Tenderness   

    (two hipster skater guys at breakfast)

    Guy:Would you like to see the Lion King 3D with me tonight? I’ll hold your hand.

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  • Sean 2:15 pm on October 9, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , for the kids   

    (guy standing in the street, talking on his phone)

    Guy: What is it? Um, well, it’s a beer pong tournament. You know, for school.

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  • Sean 1:46 pm on July 21, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , guts,   

    (employee trying to upsell additional items at a chinese restaurant)

    Employee: Would you like our bbq chicken?
    Beth: Is it white meat or dark meat?
    Employee: It’s teriyaki!

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  • Sean 12:49 pm on June 3, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , sandwich   

    Jen: i think we have plans to go look at cars
    Sean: babymobiles?
    Jen: REGULAR CARS
    Sean: dodge minivan complete with a BABY ON BOARD placard
    Jen: eat ten dicks
    Sean: that’s so many. i’m not even hungry
    Jen:well you should have thought of that before you got all smarty on me
    now you got ten dicks and they ain’t gonna eat themselves
    which reminds me it’s time for me to go get a sandwich
    Sean: haha dick sandwich
    Jen: hey whatever helps you get the dicks down

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  • Sean 9:08 pm on April 24, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Breasts,   

    (While driving down the road, past a woman carrying 2 large empty water bottles)

    Sarah (screaming out the window): Nice jugs!

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  • Sean 1:13 pm on April 5, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , life   

    Jen: you just need to do one impulsively ill advised thing, and see what it tastes like.
    (hopefully it won’t taste like hobo cock.)

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  • Sean 2:26 pm on March 29, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    (passing by a college student on her phone)

    Woman: No no. I was surrounded by a bunch of pretentious cunts.

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  • Sean 8:03 pm on November 28, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , hat,   

    Christine: Well, I licked it once so I could reattach the hat.

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  • Sean 8:20 am on October 23, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , criminals, we prefer knives   

    Bicycle Cop: So, what are you on parole for?
    Heavily Tattooed Guy: Um…assault with a deadly weapon.
    Cop: Was it a gun?
    Guy: What?
    Cop: The assault, did you use a gun?
    Guy: Oh no, it was a bottle.
    Cop (visibly relaxing): Oh, ok then.

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  • Sean 2:34 pm on August 29, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: fruit,   

    Billy: I like em really young and raw.
    So they don’t taste like bananas.

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  • Sean 12:28 am on August 28, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    Devin (impatient): Yes Katie Morgan is hot. Now let’s get some fucking cookies.

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  • Sean 1:48 pm on August 9, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bicycles, chokepoint, fiesta, sex joke,   

    (as hundreds of bikeriders participating in the annual Fiesta Cruiser Ride try to pass over a narrow bridge, causing everyone to slow down and walk their bikes)

    Guy in underpants and bright red boots: Hey, I like it tight, but this is ridiculous!

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  • Sean 8:11 am on July 30, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , tests   

    (students chatting about classes and tests)

    Excitable Student: Oh man, I love multiple choice. I always pass those. Scantrons and all that. Multiple choice is my shit!

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  • Sean 12:36 pm on June 24, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: preschool, rodents, urine   

    (The rat pee talk continues)

    Jen: seriously tho, rats do that. remember to wash your hands the next time you cuddle a hamster.

    Sean: i will remember that, next time i cuddle a hamster. which will be never.
    i hope

    Jen: i used to cuddle our hamster. but i always washed my hands.

    Sean: or wore mittens

    Jen: no, because then you have to wash the mittens
    sometimes it is just better to get the pee all over your hands.

    Sean: you’re right, that’s a pain. and then they’d be all faded when they’re pinned to your jacket

    Jen: no, hamsters don’t enjoy being pinned to a jacket

    Sean: “Now Jen, don’t forget your hamster for show and tell.” *PINNED*

    Jen: it’s nicer to tie two hamsters to a long string and then feed them through the sleeves of your jacket

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  • Sean 12:33 pm on June 24, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: alligators, , electrolytes, samus, tiffany   

    (Discussing Debbie Gibson and Tiffany starring in a new movie called “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”)

    Sean: the title is dangerously close to getting me excited about buying some electrolytes tho

    Jen: wouldn’t a gatoroid be a smaller version of a gator?
    like a meteoroid?

    Sean: good question

    Jen: or a metroid?

    Sean: it could also be a gator on steroids
    or a gator/android
    or a gator who drank too much gatorade

    Jen: i dunno about the steroids
    a gator who has to pee like, all the time
    “I had the flu last week and now I can’t stop peeing, chomp chomp”

    Sean: “It makes me so angry I could stomp on this stupid town. Also, I hope my human enemies don’t use this trail of pee to track me.”

    Jen: i find it interesting that you interpret gators as rodents in this scenario, peeing in trails all over the place

    Sean: everything pees, not just rodents. but yes, my closest gator association is the batman villain who lived in the sewers. so, close enough

    Jen: i know everything pees, but rodents pee all the time to mark their way around
    i mean, do YOU pee all the time so you can find your way back to your burrow?

    Sean: no, i have gps for that

    Jen: hahaha
    P.S.
    Global Peeing System

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  • Sean 9:20 pm on May 16, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: cannibalism,   

    Sarah: Mmm, this is the best my fingers have ever tasted.

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  • Jen 9:55 pm on April 9, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: acting, , ,   

    Jen: Hey, nobody’s talking about the Klan here. I just indicated that us white people had a meeting where we decided what kinds of actors we like.
    Torrell: That’s true, Mexicans do the same thing.
    Jen: La Raza!
    Torrell: No, we get our business done at quinceañeras.

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  • Jen 9:45 pm on April 9, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    Jen: What are you watching?
    Torrell: Marine 2.
    Jen: Who’s in it?
    Torrell: I don’t know. You might recognize him, though. He looks like the kind of action-type actor that white people would like.

    (After careful consideration of the main character.)
    Jen: Nope, sorry. I don’t recognize that guy. He must not have been at the last white peoples’ meeting.
    Torrell: You’re talking about the Klan, right?

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  • Sean 11:39 am on April 1, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: anal brothel reading   

    (while looking at an April Fools day issue of a newspaper)

    Brian: Retirement home brothel. Ha. Christine, check out who wrote the article. {hands her the paper}
    Christine (reading): Anna Linjection? Who’s that?

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  • Jen 1:34 pm on March 24, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: interracial matchmaking   

    Sean: Nice quote. Sadly, it caused the google ads on the page to become about interracial match making.
    Jen: I can think of something that will cause them to become even more so.

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  • Jen 1:23 pm on March 24, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: balls, juggling,   

    Steve: My new balls arrived today, the bright yellow ones are very tacky. Like, they stick to each other a lot.
    Jen: You tell me about your balls a lot.
    Steve: I’ve only told you about my balls twice, I think. At least in recent memory.
    Jen: Twice seems like a lot when it’s your brother telling you about how sticky and yellow they are, I guess.
    Steve: Hahaha. It sounds dirty when you put it like that.
    Jen: What, it JUST started sounding dirty? What’s it like being the vice president of Candyland?
    Steve: Pretty sweet.

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  • Sean 3:42 pm on March 4, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: douches, loud, teambuilding   

    (douchey guy talking loudly on his phone)

    Douche: Yeah, we have a great working environment. We do a ton of team-building exercises.

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  • Sean 1:09 pm on January 22, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    (a college couple observes a bunch of male students playing soccer in the mud)

    Boyfriend: Eww.
    Girlfriend: They’re probably rich kids. They can afford to do laundry.
    Boyfriend: Oh.

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