Quotes Page - The New Era


(Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club) Christine: Tyler, you're really sweaty. Tyler: Christine, you DON'T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much. shocked pause Tyler (gesturing): Hey Sean, come listen to what I just told Christine!
posted by: sean	Jun 26 2008, 03:19pm


(Heard by people in the lobby while I was complaining about an upgrade) Me: I don't want to spend Friday night waiting for some dude to call!
posted by: Steve	May 30 2008, 07:04pm


(Jen is wearing a dress with a small busy pattern.) Steve: Your dress is making me dizzy. Jen: Sorry, I never realized, since I don't have to look at it. Steve: It's like one of those posters with the hidden picture in it. Jen: Ha ha, Magic Eye! Yeah, I've got a sailboat hidden over here on my shoulder. Steve (making graphic hand gestures): Does it make, like, your boobs look bigger? Jen: HELLO? Inappropriate! Steve (musing): That would be GREAT.
posted by: jen	May 30 2008, 04:04pm


Jen: Creepy. Sean: It's a small and creepy world.
posted by: jen	May 21 2008, 10:16am


Steve: I suspect that he misdiagnosed shyness as a hernia.
posted by: jen	May 21 2008, 09:31am


a man wearing a cowboy hat at a night club approaches Jen from behind. he stands inches away, dancing suggestively behind her Christine: Jen, don't turn around. Jen turns around. Jen (to the cowboy): Fuck off! You're so very rude! Fuck off! Cowboy stammers a bit, then leaves. later Cowyboy: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. Jen: Then stop being rude! even later Cowboy (holding unlit cigarette): Hey, do you guys have a light? Jen, Christine, Sean: No!
posted by: sean	May 05 2008, 11:12pm


Christine: So I was watching Kill Bill on TBS the other day, and they kept bleeping it when people said Uma Thurman's character's name. What was it? Brian: Cunty McDickerson. Christine: Oh. That is pretty bad. Makes sense they had to censor it.
posted by: sean	Apr 03 2008, 12:04am


Jen: the most deadly of octopus is as but a mewling baby in a death match with chuck norris when compared to the most mild-mannered of the vile squid.
posted by: sean	Apr 01 2008, 02:17pm


(while discussing sexual "oops" moments at the local pub) Brian: 'Oops' is a myth even in my most drunken moments. There's no oops. That would be like a girl saying "Oops, I went down on you with my nostril!" True story, a girl did actually go down on me once with her nostril...
posted by: sean	Jan 25 2008, 09:53am


Steve: I got an email from Matt yesterday. He said that nobody in his unit had ever seen "The Dark Crystal". Jen: I thought you were going to say "real combat". Steve: That too.
posted by: jen	Dec 24 2007, 10:46am


(white discussing what to doodle at our next pub quiz night) Jen: i thought of a way better idea for the back of Sheet 4 tomorrow "TRUE and INTERESTING Facts About Vaginas Not Appearing in Tonight's Program" 1) "The modern day vagina was invented in 1832 by George Washington Carver, who also discovered over 300 uses for the peanut and invented the pickled egg." 2) "True Fact! Many famous celebrities have a strong vagina heritage. Two you may have heard of are Famous Hollywood Actors Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, who underwent extensive plastic surgery to be more "camera friendly" "They would later go on to found Planet Hollywood, a famous vagina restaurant chain." Sean: "Filled with the world's best vagina paraphernalia hanging on the walls." 3) "After the women's suffragist movement of the early 20th century, vaginas started coming in 31 different flavors. This was the inspiration for the Baskin Robbins chain of ice cream shops." Jen: "Early favorites: strawberry, pistachio, musk." Sean: hehe. "Early rejected flavors: saltwater taffy, avocado, tobacco"
posted by: sean	Dec 18 2007, 04:24pm


(While discussing Romance Novels) Sara- "I don't like having to hold a book while I masturbate"
posted by: max	Nov 28 2007, 05:59pm


Sean (via IM): man, why does everyone have a monkey to love but me?!
posted by: jen	Oct 31 2007, 03:27pm


--In Vons, Move-In Week at UCSB-- Slim, tan co-ed to her friends: I wish I was anorexic. Then I wouldn't have to go grocery shopping.
posted by: Shasta	Oct 22 2007, 09:41pm


Jen: i like that on netflix, they list Keith Carradine as costarring in Deadwood in every single episode. Sean: the spirit of buffalo bill lives on! Jen: they should say "Co-stars Keith Carradine* (Keith Carradine fans should prepare for disappointment.)" Sean: the head of his fan club should file a complaint Jen: "where's keith carradine???" "watch episode 2" "nooooooooooo!" Sean: "i'm running dangerously low on carradine, as required by my doctor" Jen: it's what you take when you're feeling melodramatic Jen: "what do i have, doctor?" "you have a case of the Shut the Hell Ups. take some carradine." Sean*: for the small cases, he prescribes carradine with added david essense.
posted by: sean	Oct 19 2007, 11:24am


Jen: well obviously i'm not getting nude in the office, but there's definitely a psycho tranny dance vibe here
posted by: sean	Aug 22 2007, 02:51pm


::While walking single file up a path:: Max: Sara you dropped... Sara: Is there something wrong with my ass?! Max:...your cigarettes.
posted by: Max	Aug 18 2007, 04:32am


(inside local restaurant - lunchtime) Christine (sniffing): Hey, it smells like bacon in here. Shasta (sniffing): Hmm, It does smell like bacon. Shasta spots a uniformed police officer grabbing a soda a few feet away. Christine: Yeah, totally smells like bacon. Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh. Christine: What? Why? Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh. I'll explain in a minute. The cop leaves
posted by: sean	Jun 22 2007, 03:41pm


(the mocking sean hour continues) jen: do you wear the sorting hat when you go online to harry potter sex chatrooms? sean: how do you think i get all the witches? jen: i really don't want to think about that "I sort you into the house that dances around a little and takes off your clothes, and I sort you two into the house that gets a little drunk and makes out with each other at parties, and I sort you to the house that sits on my lap and laughs hilariously at everything I say. Accio condoms!"
posted by: sean	Jun 21 2007, 11:36am


A woman at work: "I don't wear a helmet to go to the bathroom."
posted by: Stephen Hock	Jun 05 2007, 04:10pm


(as a Gunther concert lets out and the crowd disperses) Random Male Student: I'm not sure yet. He did ask me to taste his semen.
posted by: sean	May 13 2007, 01:08am


Stephen: you should have written the tag line for leprechaun 6. the current one is "evil has a whole new rap!" i know some white guy in a neckerchief wrote that. Sean: he wore a special green neckerchief the day that he wrote that. you know, for inspiration Sean: Leprechaun 7: Lady Lumps "Somewhere over the rainbow, even an evil leprechaun can find love!" Stephen: Leprechaun 8: Off the Chain? Sean: Leprechaun 9: Miami Style starring David Caruso and his sunglasses Stephen: Leprechaun 10: Spreadin' the Cheese Sean: Leprechaun 11: Bam! Killin' it up a notch Stephen: Leprechaun 12: One Death to a Baker's Dozen Sean: Leprechaun 13: Sifting through the Blood of Time Stephen: Leprechaun 14: Overkill! Sean: Leprechaun 15: Leprechaun vs. The Tooth Fairy Stephen: Leprechaun 16: 16 Ways to Die in Ireland Sean: Leprechaun 17: Fall of the Gold Market Stephen: Leprechaun 18: Thoughts and Feelings Sean: Leprechaun 19: Chillin' at Walden Pond Stephen: Leprechaun XX: Keep the Dream Alive Sean: Leprechaun XXI: Roman Bathhouse Battle Royale Stephen: Leprechaun XXII: Green to Red, Live to Dead Stephen: it'd be shaped as an X -- the "to" in the middle, and the title as the cross pieces. so just one "to" Sean: Leprechaun XXIII: Halloscream's Eve Stephen: Leprechaun XXIV: Bruce Willis Cameo Sean: Leprechaun XXV: Electric Boogaloo Stephen: Leprechaun XXVI: Counting Rose Petals Sean: Leprechaun XXVII: Where For Art Thou Gold Stephen: Leprechaun XXVIII: Moonlighting Sean: Leprechaun XXIX: Shorties Killing Shorties Stephen: Leprechaun xXx: xXx Vs. Leprechaun Sean: Leprechaun XXXI: Enemy Combatant Stephen: Leprechaun XXXII: Tending Bar Sean: Leprechaun XXXIII: Down & Out & Paying Child Support Stephen: Leprechaun XXXIV: XXXIV Ways to Die in Ireland Sean: Leprechaun XXXV: Corned Beef with a Side of Blood Stephen: Leprechaun XXXVI: Leprechaun's Run Sean: Leprechaun XXXVII: Return of the Platinum Pirate Stephen: Leprechaun XXXVIII: Legendary Sean: Leprechaun XXXIX: Too X to Handle Stephen: Leprechaun XXXX: Not a Lawn Gnome, 4 Reelz Sean: actually, it's XL Stephen: doh! Stephen: Leprechaun XLI: Letters and Numbers Sean: Leprechaun XLII: Dysfunctional Family Reunion Stephen: Leprechaun XLIII: Owen Wilson Plays Himself Sean: Leprechaun XLIV: LIVe Green or Die Stephen: Leprechaun XLV: Wicked Workout Sean: Leprechaun XLVI: Killin to the Oldies Stephen: Leprechaun XLVII: Causality Sean: Leprechaun XLVIII: Occam's Razor.....of Pain Stephen: Leprechaun XLIX: Speeding Zalicks Sean: Leprechaun L: Lusty Lesbians
posted by: sean	May 02 2007, 12:18pm


Madeline: i don't trust anyone who sucks at blowjobs in my kitchen.
posted by: sean	Apr 27 2007, 10:15am


(the story continues...) Jen: "Sean sat frozen in his chair and shook with terrifying fear. This, he realized was not checkmate at all, but rather checkmate and then his opponent set fire to the checkerboard and laughed maniacally, because he had turned out to be some type of maniac." Sean: "Flashmaster Jay, who was a bird, but not a renowned chess player, smugly picked blood from his birdlike beak. Sean was right where he wanted him to be; right in front of Jay. Allison's detached eyeball squirmed uncomfortably in the pocket of his argyle sweater. He would have to get it washed at the renowned Chinese laundromat down the street sometime later this week." Jen: "After a moment or perhaps just a fleeting second of screaming silence, Sean finally spoke: "Well, what are you going to do with me?" Jen: "For a moment, Jay said nothing, as one of his feathers was still picking blood from his beak. "Hang on, there's just a thing...I was eating popcorn earlier...ok." Victoriously, Jay flicked the hull that had been stuck in his beak into the hallway, then faced Sean maniacally once more." Jen: "What am I going to do with you? You fool! Nothing, of course. Nothing, except... THIS!" Sean: "KAW!" Jay kawed, as he flew from his perch, swooping down into Sean's face. He maniacally flapped his wings, striking the system administrator about the head. "Hey, quit it!" Sean protested. Jen: "Just when all hope was lost and Sean's nostrils were filled with the musty scent of a melange of bird, argyle, and what he suspiciously suspected was eyeball, a hand covered in black lace appeared, wrapping itself around the bird, and hurled it out the door, where it could have died for all Sean knew." Sean: "Allison!" Sean exclaimed, wiping maniacal bird spittle from his cheek. Allison, framed in the doorway and lit only by the humming fluorescent lights of Sean's office, had her back to Sean. Her long pitch black hair fell devastatingly to the small of her back. Sean stared at her completely clothed ass for a moment before regaining his tremendous composure." Jen: "Allison turned slowly, the dim flourescent light highlighting the gentle curves of her face and the alluring arc of a black eyepatch. "Don't worry, my darling system administrator," she said, moving gracefully across the room to sit on the corner of Sean's mahogany desk and cross her legs, which Sean also did not look at. "That bird won't be bothering you any more, for all you know." Allison arched her back slightly and reached into the top of one thigh-high boot, which Sean was certain he'd never seen her wear before but which complemented her eyepatch very well indeed. "However, my darling, in the interests of saving time later, perhaps you should know that my name is not Allison." Her lace-gloved hand emerged holding a corn cob pipe, which she lit, and leaned in towards Sean. "You know what I'm here for." Sean: Sean resisted the temptation to utter the words "My body?" While he had heard tales of renowned individuals being sexed up by lace-gloved women, it had never happened to him. The terrible truth was, he knew exactly what 'Almost Allison' was here for. As he fixated on the gentle puffing sounds emanating from the finely crafted corn cob pipe, Sean was desperately formulating a plan of action. "Before we get to that," Sean began, "What is your real name?" Not-Allison raised an eyebrow and took the long stem of the corn cob pipe out of her pursed lips. Jen: "My name?" she said, arching one eyebrow. "Sadie Lockhaven, darling, at your service." She held out a lace-gloved hand, but before the renowned system administrator could take it, a strange sound emanated from beyond the doorway. Jen: i feel like i should have explained that the name Sadie Lockhaven is a combination of my dog's name and one of the streets i grew up on. Sean: ha, Sadie is porn-name Jen. nice Sean: "Sadie and Sean craned their necks in a birdlike manner, trying to see what was rapping near Sean's office door. Suddenly and most unexpectantly, a hawk wearing a turquoise bandana lumbers into view, accompanying by the maniacal Flashmaster Jay perched upon this new bird's majestic shoulder. The hawk cocked his head, inspecting Sadie and Sean as he would a small rodent from high atop his perch." Jen: "Sadie tossed her head back and laughed derisively. "What happened, Flashmaster Jay, couldn't bring yourself to confront me again without your muscle to back you up?" asked Sadie, tossing her hair around in a suspiciously flambouyant manner. Sean thought it smelled like lilacs. The small avian maniac did not respond, but dug his tiny claws into the hawk's magnificent shoulder. "Kaw!" he kawed, and the hawk leapt into action." Sean: "Watch out, his majestic beak is probably quite sharp!" Sean screamed, diving for the floor. The hawk swooped down on the system administrator's keyboard, with Jay still perfectly perched on his shoulder, acting calmly maniacal. The large bird began furiously typing, using his beak to improve his speed. "Nothing good can come from this," Sadie whispered into Sean's ear, half buried in the carpet of his second floor office." Jen: "The renowned systems administrator scoffed. "I scarcely think the fact that a glorious bird of prey is furiously typing at my computer is of any interest right now. What's more important is this: why is he wearing a turquoise bandana?" At this, the tiny bird that still rode astride the hawk's majestic shoulder turned to contemplate him. "You wish to know why? Why don't you ask my friend Rosco?"
posted by: sean	Apr 20 2007, 04:49pm


Sean has forwarded Jen an article (http://byneddiejingo.blogspot.com/2006/04/et-in-arcadia-ego.html). An IM conversation happens. Sean: "Renowned systems administrator Sean sat down in his second floor office. He lunged for the keyboard, because lunging is a much better word then 'reached'." Jen: "At the sound of a tapping in the doorway Sean froze and whirled around in his chair, bloodshot eyes from anxiety and bourbon widening in his head. In Sean, the renowned system administrator's door, was the silhouette of a bird. The light was almost too dim to see that the bird was wearing a tiny argyle sweater." Sean: "The bird, whose name 'Flashmaster Jay' was embroidered on his tight-fitting argyle sweater, seemed to look through the system administrator's soul. Sean fidgeted and adjusted his lime green polo shirt and his black slacks. Bourbon and pornography would be of no use to him here and now. It was but him and the tapping Flashmaster Jay in his second floor office." Jen: "The systems administrator lunged for his keyboard, remembered he was already holding it, and placed it carefully on his desk. Then the renowned person lunged for it again. "You'll never get what you've come for," Sean hissed from between terrified teeth. The bird smiled toothily, tapped his cornob pipe on the doorframe, and cocked his beady head. "Sean, Renowned System Administrator, I presume?"" Sean: "Sean's terror stricken face struck a proud pose for a moment. He was proud to know the renown of Sean had spread to the argyle sweater wearing animal kingdom community. The system administrator gently stroked his non-existent beard, trying to appear calmer than he actually was." Jen: "Well, Monsieur Jay," Sean said, his formidable logical mind firing up and calulating with a speed faster than a formidable supercomputer, "I suppose this means you've already spoken with Allison." The bird's grin faded and he cocked his tiny, pointy head. "Allison? I don't believe I know who that is." "Checkmate!" crowed the system administrator victoriously, "for you would never have located my sanctum if you had not spoken first to Allison!" "Oh, Allison," said the bird, brightly and with a murderous red gleam in his tiny beady eye. "Was she previously attached to this?" From the pocket of his sweater, the bird produced a single human eyeball, dangling from its own optic nerve, holding it aloft after carefully placing his pipe between the top and bottom halves of his birdlike beak. Sean: "Nooooooooooooooo," Sean belted out, like a showtune, only sadder. "She was surely using that eyeball to see! You maniacal maniac bird!" Jen: "I'm sorry," said Flashmaster Jay as he carefully placed the eyeball back in his pocket, "but your words do not sway me or my mission, which is from God and who also can not be swayed. For you see, I am a maniac." Sean: ...to be continued! this excellent fiction shall make its way to the quotes page tomorrow. Jen: screw you, i'm quoting it now. you can quote tomorrow's edition. Sean: ha, fine then. quote away. Jen: i will Sean: good then
posted by: jen	Apr 19 2007, 05:04pm


(While Alex and Billy are getting ready to go out.) Alex: I really love blowjobs. Billy (sultry): Close the door. Alex (to everyone waiting in the hall): I'll be 30 seconds. {the door closes}
posted by: sean	Apr 16 2007, 02:05pm


funny quotes are like assholes
posted by: dead whale	Apr 10 2007, 02:15pm


:While Sitting in line at the drive-thru: "I hate that I want penis"- Sarah "They stopped serving that at ten"-Max
posted by: max	Apr 10 2007, 01:44pm


::While Discussing talking food the conversation turned to Snap Crackle and Pop:: "Its hard to eat a breakfast cereal when its in its death throes"
posted by: max	Apr 04 2007, 01:31pm


Humidity, on the other hand, has no opinion of rubberbands.
posted by: Mika	Mar 31 2007, 02:38am


Sean: Nobody watches German films...only perverts.
posted by: lopaka	Feb 26 2007, 11:08am


Vy: You know. It's like when you wake up, and your butt hurts, and you don't know why.
posted by: sean	Feb 23 2007, 09:57pm


jen: giant squid used up all my jergens! sean: i tried to tell you! they're totally selfish jen: it's because of giant squid that i buy jergens to keep on my desk, and my own good lotion to keep in my desk. sean: smart.
posted by: sean	Feb 22 2007, 12:03pm


Alien vs Predator Game hits a snag in the retelling Jen: I feel bad that gremlins got cut. maybe we SHOULD take out terminator. Wait - I know how to resolve this. Gremlins vs. Terminator! Sean: That'd take a shitload of gremlins. Jen: Fine, fine: A Shitload of Gremlins vs The Original Terminator! Sean: They'd probably fiddle with his circuitry before he could squish them all. Gremlins win! Jen: That's a movie I'd like to see.
posted by: jen	Feb 20 2007, 03:57pm


*Alien Vs. Predator - The Game!* jen: here are the rules: somebody offers up somebody or something to fight against Alien. the other person decides the winner. jen: I'll start: Alien versus Sasquatch! sean: oooh, tough one. as long as the alien didn't get the drop on sassy, i think he could crush the alien with his raw power. but it'd be close. sean: Alien vs. the original Terminator! jen: wow, that's tough. i'd give it to Alien in that one. original Terminator was kind of a puss. once some acid blood got on him, he'd be a big puddle. jen: Alien versus Fluffy Kittens! sean: hehe. alien, while temporarily distracted by their supreme cuteitude, regretfully dispatches of the fluffy kittens. jen: and Fluffy Kittens vs. Predator? sean: the predator doesn't attack unarmed and defenseless creatures. he'd put them on craigslist and find them a good home. besides, their pelt would be too small to be a suitable trophy jen: hm, ok. what if it was fluffy kittens with bombs strapped to their tummies? sean: predator would laser them from afar. the little puffs of exploding fur would sadden him slightly sean: Alien vs. Ghostbusters! jen: Alien. he is not made out of ectoplasm. (later that evening) jen: Alien vs. The Human Condition! sean: Alien vs. ennui! jen: Alien versus Seasonal Affective Disorder! sean: Alien vs. the Catholic Church! jen: Alien as religious revolutionary... :-) Alien versus the Heartbreak of Genital Herpes! sean: Alien vs. Doris the Ex-Girlfriend! "i told you it's over. stop calling here!" jen: Alien versus Billy Idol! sean: Alien would fear the sneer. :) Alien vs. Prince! jen: Alien sean: i guess not even Prince's space age guitar phallus can defeat the Alien jen: no, but if it was prince vs predator, the answer would be: funk.
posted by: sean	Feb 20 2007, 03:08pm


Phil S.: -6 Phil S.: wtf!? Phil S.: i mant Phil S.: :! Phil S.: omg! Phil S.: i can't even smilie tonight Sean: you're defective
posted by: sean	Feb 05 2007, 03:27pm


(Christine debates whether or not to go on a cruise.) Christine: I need a cabin-mate. Shasta: I'll get Vince to go. Christine: Ok, but if I'm changing, he has to go into the bathroom. If he sees boob then I'm never going back to work again.
posted by: lopaka	Jan 23 2007, 04:02pm


{when asked what she was doing wandering the halls} Ellie: they were all on the phone. and i was bored. so i stole a giraffe.
posted by: sean	Dec 07 2006, 01:24pm


{while discussing a concert put on by a local radio station} Jen: "coming up next, another reminder why you're not going to buy a ticket to Winter Roundup! our new emo band, Peanut Butter Agonizing!" Sean: "but first, another track from 'I Cut Myself'. here's their latest, I Cry Behind My Thick Glasses." Jen: "after that, the new song She Won't Text Me Back (So I'll Just Keep Calling) by 'Leaf Litter Rising'" Sean: "opening for our winter roundup will be the up and coming 'Musica Obscurica'. you may have heard their hit single Life is Hollow and Bleak (And I'm the Only One that Knows)."
posted by: sean	Dec 07 2006, 11:45am


(While playing Texas Hold-em poker) {Max turns over a 4 on the flop} Steve Y.: Damnit! That's the meat in my pancakes. Everyone: You eat meat in your pancakes?
posted by: sean	Nov 24 2006, 10:40pm


ruth: doesn't a bathhouse just scream rimjobs? madeline: you gotta think if you scream "rimjob" at a bathhouse, you've a good chance of getting one.
posted by: sean	Sep 24 2006, 09:43pm


(sexy sci-fi what-ifs) sean: i need my ladies to be at least 50% pure human lady jen: well, you're picky. jen: bisexual mosquito ladies need love too sean: her one quarter mosquito instincts might decide to exsanguinate me in bed. i can't take that risk. jen: um....heh. are you sure? sean: ladysquitos and vampires are risky. the sex would have to be really good. jen: exsanguination. jen: in bed. sean: all that blood loss, i'd have to buy new sheets jen: SEXSANGUINATION! i can't believe i have to spell this out for you.
posted by: sean	Sep 13 2006, 02:13pm


(hick battle) Jen: they are making sweet love to their cousins down there, boy. Sean: they wouldn't dare! Jen: they bring them flowers and candies and hope they get to cousin third base Sean: they're a blue drop in a sea of red. they've got to set examples Jen: which they always do, cause those cousins are loose Sean: referring to it as "cousin third base" is probably enough to do it. they'd laugh so hard they'd never notice being disrobed. not that that ever happens, of course Jen: "hahahaha...wait, my vagina" "cousin jethro, are you up to no good agin?" also, little known fact: cousin third base is actually equivalent to regular person home run, except with your cousin. cousin home run is when you have a baby with your cousin.
posted by: sean	Jun 29 2006, 04:43pm


sean: the new trend seems to be viagra emails with random text from LOTR inserted at the end jen: so eventually you'll have the whole book sean: "there are a lot more amazed vaginas in this story than i remember from the movie." jen: "Quaking in fear, Frodo beheld the horrible spider. From behind him he heard Sam's faintly whimper: "Is your vagina as amazed as mine?"" sean: now that's literature. sean: "The Balrog fell from the bridge, tumbling into the fiery depths of the center of the earth. If only he could have lasted longer with his woman, he might have survived." jen: "Gandalf leaned triumphantly over the edge. "Now THAT'S how you amaze a vagina!" he said with proud satisfaction. Suddenly, the ground beneath his feet began to crumble, and then he too fell into the void. "No!" cried Frodo, while Gimli hung his head in his huge hands. "Truly, Gandalf's vagina hubris was his undoing." sean: best girl rock band name of the day "Vagina Hubris" jen: i rewrote the plot of that bit a little sean: i barely noticed. the vagina was interwoven with the regular story quite well jen: i work with a public action group whose mission is to insert more vagina into literature. sean: i am intrigued by your organization and would like to subscribe to your newsletter jen: it's tricky, but we're making inroads. you should see what we've done with children's literature - The Berenstain Bears' First Haircut was particulary successful.
posted by: sean	May 30 2006, 03:58pm


(it continues) sean: i found "fucking women" jen: wow. so how many of those do you get? sean: 17 this month alone jen: i think you and i need to have a talk. jen: about all these fucking women. sean: man, i wish i had a women fucking problem jen: i don't know how to tell you, but when all you're doing is constantly fucking, women will never get a chance to know the real you. sean: that's a chance i'm willing to take. for awhile at least. jen: gah, you broke form! all your sentences must contain the phrase "fucking women" in order for this to bump you up! jen: the goal is to make you #1 in fucking women. sean: damn! fucking women confused me sean: i didn't know that fucking women were so elusive that one had to google for them jen: maybe they're looking for fucking women techniques jen: maybe they live in utah, and you can't find a fucking woman anywhere. only nonfucking women. sean: a damn shame. but i'm not sure a search engine ever helped any with fucking women. especially fucking religious women. jen: i can't stand those fucking women. jen: with their vaginas and saving them for jesus. sean: jesus isn't going to do anything with those vaginas! what a fucking waste. women. bah. jen: poor jesus. sean: he should really clue those women in. there's a guy on google who could use that vagina.
posted by: sean	May 19 2006, 12:58am


(search queries) sean: ah, here's one of yours: cool runnings plot point jen: wait, they were searching for ANY plot point? sean: yup. and THREE people searched for that so far this month jen: fucking awesome! you don't know what # you were, by any chance? sean: shows up as #2 on mine sean: only being beaten by the fucking IMDB ENTRY jen: clearly there isn't enough discourse going on regarding the plot of Cool Runnings. sean: you have the Jamaican power jen! jen: i do! i totally do! jen: did you know that in lieu of pay, John Candy actually worked for scotch? jen: so those scenes where he looked hung over, he was actually hung over. he worked Method. sean: i would say that sounds like an excellent plan, but he also died on the set of a film jen: well, sometimes you sacrifice all for your craft.
posted by: sean	May 19 2006, 12:57am


jen: I wonder if there's any way we can ensure that we stay on top of the Ron Silver Abortion game. jen: which would be an awesome, yet deeply disturbing, home game. jen: the object of the game is to not roll Ron Silver. sean: the packaging would be....outstanding sean: "i rolled an abortion! i get to move past time cop and go directly to the west wing!" jen: but if you roll snakeeyes, watch out! detour into schlocky B vampire movie! sean: "crap, mistaken for dennis miller. go back 3 spaces!" jen: this is one of those times when i wish i knew more about ron silver. jen: of course, at all other times i'm glad i don't. yet... sean: i've pretty much exhausted my knowledge of him. we'd have to make up the rest to fill out the abortion game. jen: personally i can't get over the idea of rolling a Ron Silver, then having him roar into your living room to perform an abortion jen: although that would probably only happen in the commercial. at the end they'd have to put a disclaimer: "Ron Silver does not actually roar into your living room to perform an abortion." jen: also in this scenario, for some reason i'm thinking of Al Pacino instead of Ron Silver. sean: hooooha! sean: now that's an overly enthusiastic abortion jen: I was very excited to learn I wasn't going to get an abortion from Ron Silver.
posted by: sean	May 18 2006, 02:20pm


Ryan: If it involves paddles, I'm in.
posted by: sean	Apr 23 2006, 10:49pm


jen: there are no bad batches of margaritas. only batches of margaritas that haven't been tamed yet!
posted by: sean	Apr 11 2006, 04:07pm


Jen: I am the You of this campus right now. Sean: An enviable position to be sure. Jen: It's okay, but I can't get used to all this bending over. Sean: You get used to it eventually. I mean...hey!
posted by: jen	Apr 11 2006, 01:40pm


sean: i'm eating easter candy. does that make me a bad jew? jen: you can't eat the candy if you've killed our Lord. jen: unless, while he was being crucified, he was stuck with a spear and candy fell out sean: oooh. our lord the pi�ata. the holy grail was actually a candy bowl! jen: i can't decide if that was the most sacreligious thing i've ever thought. it certainly felt like it. sean: it's pretty hilariously sacrilegious. i think the flames of hell are lapping at your heals a little bit more after that one jen: now i'm picturing mary magdalene wailing on the ground, gathering up hard candy in her headscarf. sean: she loved caramel almost as much as she loved that rascal jesus. in a platonic sort of way, of course. jen: who even knows with jesus. they probably played sex games where he covered her in Magic Shell then commanded her to RISE FROM THE DEAD! " sean: deliciously naughty. they just etched your name into your seat in hell jen: this being, of course, where the tradition of hollow easter chocolate comes from. sean: ah. i wish they would have kept it the naked lady instead of the bunny jen: it's a metaphor. sean: screw the metaphor, i want lady chocolate! jen: you'd screw that too. sean: it'd fall apart. and that just wouldn't do. sean: jesus was all about the loose women and empty calories.
posted by: sean	Mar 13 2006, 05:04pm


(while walking to the liquor store before Jason's band plays nearby) Sean: I'm glad I found out about this. Ha, MySpace, bringing people together. Jason: Yeah, it's not the usual: Bringing together child molesters and 12 year old girls. Woman walks out of the store, giving Jason a disgusted look. Jason (apologetic): Um, no I didn't mean... It's...it's a myspace joke. Sean: Worst time to walk in on THAT conversation I guess.
posted by: sean	Mar 12 2006, 11:07pm


(discussing sean's living arrangements) sean: [name redacted] would only be back for a month. she suggested rooming up for the weekdays and she'd go with her parents on the weekends. and then, next time she came back, at least one person in the main house would have moved out and she'd go in there... wow, can't believe i got that out between the clown sex and rimming.
posted by: jen	Mar 02 2006, 04:43pm


sean: hahahahaha. thanks to our little time travel conversation, the 11th google result for "abortion, ron silver" is the quotes page jen: "abortion, ron silver"? why would anybody be searching for that? sean: someone must be curious about ron silver's abortion stance. next query "child labor, steven segal" jen: "equal housing rights, lou diamond phillips" sean: "unemployment benefits, ralph macchio" jen: "literacy pledge drives, kathy ireland" sean: "homeless shelters, lance henriksen" jen: "wastewater management practices, antonio sabato jr." sean: "teen pregnancy, dean cain" jen: "affordable health care, kristanna loken" sean: "international silver trading, robert patrick" jen: "international microchip exporting, alexandra paul" sean: "anti-fur campaigning, rutger hauer" jen: "german reunification, michael shanks" sean: "religious tolerance, treat williams" jen: but isn't treat williams already on that wb show where everyone practices christian values? sean: damnit! you're right. Holier Than Thou, Alaska, i think it's called jen: wasn't it "Rocking Chair Hill, Wisconsin"? sean: i'm pretty sure it's "Oral Isn't Sex, Wyoming" jen: "It's Not Gay If You're Receiving, Tennessee" sean: hahaha. now that's a place to raise a family jen: oh, you card. you know there's no raising families in a town like that!
posted by: sean	Mar 01 2006, 03:07pm


overheard in CompUSA: "What!?! You've never seen that movie! It's just the greatest movie EVER MADE...next to Space Balls."
posted by: lopaka	Feb 28 2006, 12:02am


(overheard on campus) Woman 1: It was the cat's meow! Woman 2: I thought it was the cat's pajamas. Woman 1: The cat's vagina? Woman 2: Yeah, that's totally it.
posted by: sean	Feb 27 2006, 11:27pm


(while perusing an upcoming movie sequel site) jen: "Charlie's Angels 3 is going to be a lot more like the TV series. And I am absolutely thrilled that my good friend John Travolta is going to have a cameo role!" jen: that screaming sound you hear is my brains exiting my skull at high velocity. jen: "Die Hard 4.0: John McClane is retired from the police force in this fourth installment, with computers will figure largely in the story line." jen: a futuristic computing device, you say! sean: "The Brazilian Job" {sequel to The Italian Job} sean: Marky Mark takes on his most devious enemy yet...the bikini line! jen: Indiana Jones 4: The Adventure of Making This Movie Before the Principal Cast DIES jen: "Update of the 1979 vampire film Love at First Bite about Dracula who moves to New York to find a bride. "Second Bite" takes place 25 years later, centering on Dracula's Americanized son, who has rejected his family's heritage and is getting married to a human. Trouble ensues when he learns that his vampire relatives are coming to America for the wedding" jen: It's a comedy of errors! sean: holy shit, i thought you were kidding. that's...that's not right jen: spiderman 3: with topher grace as the new villain, "Dr. Daintyfop"! sean: Straight Out of Compton 2 Cast: Blair Underwood, Blair Underwood, Blair Underwood sean: that's a lot of underwood sean: Usual Suspects 2: Searching For Keyser Soze & His Bags of Sequel Money
posted by: sean	Jan 27 2006, 09:54am


topic: computer job interview questions Jen: "Uh huh, it says here that you used to intern at Bell Labs. Tell me, what do you think about head?" "Personally, I love it. Think about it all the time. Right now, in fact. So, you have two years of database experience?" and later "How do you handle large amounts of data? Really? I like to use these." At this point, reach into your desk and pull out two giant oven mitts. and even later "Do you like my hat?" "You're not wearing a hat." "I'm sorry, but you need to be a team player to fit in around here."
posted by: sean	Jan 17 2006, 02:02pm


Sean: I was very excited to learn that I didn't get crabs from that prostitute. Jen: I'm taking that out of context.
posted by: jen	Jan 05 2006, 10:22am


Mika: So I told them Sean had questionable breeding. Sean: Oh. Wait, what?! V: He's not a dog Mika! Jen: You'll never get Best In Show now Sean. I'm sorry.
posted by: sean	Jan 02 2006, 03:19pm


Steve: I wore pajamas last night. I have Peanuts all over my bottom.
posted by: jen	Dec 26 2005, 11:32am


opening presents Dad: It plays DVDs and CDs. Tessa (reading box): It does 400.....dicks. Uh, I mean discs! Steve, Anna & Max (at once): In a row?!
posted by: sean	Dec 25 2005, 07:18pm


Mom: What's the name of that movie..."Silent Runnings"? You know, that one with the Puerto Rican luge team. Jen: You mean the Jamaican bobsled team? Mom: No, it was a Puerto Rican luge. "Silent Runnings," right? Steve: Cool Runnings. With the Jamaican bobsled team. Mom: Right, Cool Runnings.
posted by: jen	Dec 25 2005, 05:28pm


While playing movie game: Sean: You're on Brent Spiner Max: wait wait what?! Sean: You're doing Data Bitch!!
posted by: tessa	Dec 24 2005, 11:19pm


this man is sick, I don't know him... alex: "you put your right toe bin, you put your right toe bout, you put your right toe bin, and you gently massage the anal cavity. you do the tobin toe-bin and you wiggle it about and hope that no poop comes out!" but damn, he's funny
posted by: tobin	Dec 20 2005, 12:02pm


[the out of context battle continues] jen: i snuck out of my bed last night and had some. jen: i was laying there thinking about how it was in the next room, so i finally gave up and got some, and then i wanted more. jen: wait, that sounded dirty.
posted by: sean	Dec 20 2005, 11:52am


lopaka: Drinking makes me feel good. I should drink more often. (everyone laughs) sean: That's why I drink every night. (everyone laughs) sean: No, really. (everyone stares at sean)
posted by: lopaka	Dec 14 2005, 11:40am


[online debate. subject: Time Travel.] Jen: if watching Back to the Future taught me anything, it's that your past and future selves cannot meet, or else you destroy the universe. Sean: i dunno. if i take Timecop as gospel (and why wouldn't i?!), then they couldn't fight because they'd cancel each other out and cease to exist if they touched. poor Ron Silver. Jen: interesting. but if they exist in the same moment, why does touching even matter? Sean: something about the same object not being able to exist in the same space. van damme probably did the splits to distract from this plot point. Jen: but they DON'T exist in the same space. they'd only exist in the same space if Ron Silver A's atoms materialized in the EXACT SAME place as Ron Silver B's, and in that case Ron Silver A would probably explode or something anyway. Sean: i guess touching was enough of an overlap to cause problems. it's not like they were making out or anything. just a bump. Jen: if Ron Silver A is just fighting Ron Silver B, their molecules don't exist in the same place at the same time at all - they're just foxyboxing. i find this "Timecop" premise ludicrous. Sean: in van damme's universe, it was close enough. Jen: but it's NOT close enough! Sean: the universe rounds up.
posted by: jen	Dec 14 2005, 10:30am


[online conversation] Sean: if i have to listen to a sleeping man snoring while almost swallowing his own tongue, they can deal with a little rack action. Jen: i'm taking that out of context. Sean: i'm a lot filthier out of context.
posted by: jen	Dec 13 2005, 04:16pm


[online conversation] Sean: i'd have a stupid smirk on my face the entire time. and there's no way i'd be able to do it with either of you there. one bit of eye contact and i'd explode with laughter. Jen: i'm taking that out of context.
posted by: jen	Dec 13 2005, 04:15pm


(From boot camp) Lee: for the love of god help me!!!
posted by: Lee	Dec 08 2005, 04:02pm


sean: if it can't tell time AND make your penis bigger, then what use is it?!!
posted by: alex	Dec 02 2005, 02:25pm


madeline: nerd sean: geek madeline: pedophile sean: baby cannibal madeline: puppy shishkababer sean: raccoon fornicator madeline: atheist sean: mormon madeline: my computer got unplugged. mike did it...christian fundamentalist. sean: always blaming others.....republican madeline: i put blame where blame is due... anti-abortion doctor-killer. sean: a likely story....televangelist madeline: bake me cookies... apartheid supporter. sean: bake your own cookies.... bush cabinet member madeline: i'm busy - you do it...prussian blue fan. sean: the kitchen is full already.....holocaust denier madeline: ... mel gibson fan. sean: paris hilton stalker madeline: katie holmes impregnator sean: scientologist missionary madeline: missionary-style purist sean: abstinence only teacher madeline: god-made-aids-to-punish-gay-people believer sean: abu ghraib prison manual author insert problem with displaying a picture in the chat window madeline: it would've worked fine if you hadn't mucked it up... funny picture sabotager. sean: i live to thwart your efforts....carrot top fanclub president. madeline: you are a vile, vile monster... martha stewart sexer-upper. sean: my cruelty knows no bounds.....michael jackson defense fund contributor madeline: talker-during-the-quiet-parts-in-the-movie-theater-er. sean: Perfect Strangers erotic fanfic writer madeline: now that's just going too far! sean: haha! i win!
posted by: sean	Nov 06 2005, 03:26pm


referring to something dorky sean: i haven't seen dork like that since junior high gym class!
posted by: alex	Nov 02 2005, 04:04pm


sean: two things I hate - Hitler and yogurt!
posted by: lopaka	Sep 28 2005, 03:06pm


Steve: I'm drowning in worcestershire sauce! Jen: Delicious death. Steve: Delicious like a foxburger!
posted by: jen	Jun 23 2005, 02:21pm


(while discussing medical form letters letting you know if A) [ ] you're going to die from a horrible disease or B) [ ] it's not a tumor) alex: that's be great if the 'x' that marks the box was kind of in two boxes and you weren't sure what the diagnosis was. sean: "damnit. i'm not sure if i have cancer or if i just voted for pat buchanon"
posted by: sean	Jun 22 2005, 10:41pm


(overheard outside a restaurant) Man: Nah, it won't work out. Preschool teachers never give you a happy ending.
posted by: sean	Jun 17 2005, 09:36am


(overheard while eating lunch) Guy 1: I mean, you can stick a lit cigarette up your ass and nothing will happen. Guy 2: Well, you might get burned. Guy 1: Sure, but the filter should help with that.
posted by: sean	May 31 2005, 12:54pm


Lee: Sometimes I have underwear on sometimes I Don't, It's like a slot machine.
posted by: Lee	May 13 2005, 01:05am


Spoken part of Cyprus Hill song: "Lotta sharks out there, lookin' to get ahead..." Dawn: Hmmm...sharks. That's a metaphor.
posted by: jen	Apr 28 2005, 08:51pm


Coworker 1: Chicks dig C++. Coworker 2: Not C, though. 1: Not C? 2: No way, man. C's just...shrugs. But C++ is like, ninja shit.
posted by: jen	Mar 09 2005, 04:15pm


Randall: Ok, another homeless person with a laptop? He isn't getting my change.
posted by: sean	Feb 02 2005, 12:23am


(turning a corner in the car, a few women cross the street in front of us) Brad: Moooooooo!!! Josh: Awww. Hey now. Brad: Don't worry Josh, she'll still be warm for another 45 minutes after you hit her with the car.
posted by: sean	Feb 02 2005, 12:21am


Billy:It's 3:30 the backside is closed by now. Wes:The backside is always open for business!
posted by: Billy	Jan 18 2005, 11:52am


* watching exercise equipment infomercial with CHUCK NORRIS and CHRISTY BRINKLEY * Christy Brinkley: It's been a tough day of working out, Chuck! Chuck Norris: It sure has been! Sean: Hahahaha... "has beens."
posted by: alex	Jan 18 2005, 09:51am