(students chatting about classes and tests)
Excitable Student: Oh man, I love multiple choice. I always pass those. Scantrons and all that. Multiple choice is my shit!
Recent Quotes RSS Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts
-
Posted by: Sean
-
(The rat pee talk continues)
Jen: seriously tho, rats do that. remember to wash your hands the next time you cuddle a hamster.
Sean: i will remember that, next time i cuddle a hamster. which will be never.
i hopeJen: i used to cuddle our hamster. but i always washed my hands.
Sean: or wore mittens
Jen: no, because then you have to wash the mittens
sometimes it is just better to get the pee all over your hands.Sean: you’re right, that’s a pain. and then they’d be all faded when they’re pinned to your jacket
Jen: no, hamsters don’t enjoy being pinned to a jacket
Sean: “Now Jen, don’t forget your hamster for show and tell.” *PINNED*
Jen: it’s nicer to tie two hamsters to a long string and then feed them through the sleeves of your jacket
Posted by: Sean -
(Discussing Debbie Gibson and Tiffany starring in a new movie called “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”)
Sean: the title is dangerously close to getting me excited about buying some electrolytes tho
Jen: wouldn’t a gatoroid be a smaller version of a gator?
like a meteoroid?Sean: good question
Jen: or a metroid?
Sean: it could also be a gator on steroids
or a gator/android
or a gator who drank too much gatoradeJen: i dunno about the steroids
a gator who has to pee like, all the time
“I had the flu last week and now I can’t stop peeing, chomp chomp”Sean: “It makes me so angry I could stomp on this stupid town. Also, I hope my human enemies don’t use this trail of pee to track me.”
Jen: i find it interesting that you interpret gators as rodents in this scenario, peeing in trails all over the place
Sean: everything pees, not just rodents. but yes, my closest gator association is the batman villain who lived in the sewers. so, close enough
Jen: i know everything pees, but rodents pee all the time to mark their way around
i mean, do YOU pee all the time so you can find your way back to your burrow?Sean: no, i have gps for that
Jen: hahaha
P.S.
Global Peeing SystemPosted by: Sean -
Sarah: Mmm, this is the best my fingers have ever tasted.
Posted by: Sean -
Jen: Hey, nobody’s talking about the Klan here. I just indicated that us white people had a meeting where we decided what kinds of actors we like.
Torrell: That’s true, Mexicans do the same thing.
Jen: La Raza!
Torrell: No, we get our business done at quinceañeras.Posted by: Jen -
Jen: What are you watching?
Torrell: Marine 2.
Jen: Who’s in it?
Torrell: I don’t know. You might recognize him, though. He looks like the kind of action-type actor that white people would like.(After careful consideration of the main character.)
Jen: Nope, sorry. I don’t recognize that guy. He must not have been at the last white peoples’ meeting.
Torrell: You’re talking about the Klan, right?Posted by: Jen -
(while looking at an April Fools day issue of a newspaper)
Brian: Retirement home brothel. Ha. Christine, check out who wrote the article. {hands her the paper}
Christine (reading): Anna Linjection? Who’s that?Posted by: Sean -
Sean: Nice quote. Sadly, it caused the google ads on the page to become about interracial match making.
Jen: I can think of something that will cause them to become even more so.Posted by: Jen -
Steve: My new balls arrived today, the bright yellow ones are very tacky. Like, they stick to each other a lot.
Jen: You tell me about your balls a lot.
Steve: I’ve only told you about my balls twice, I think. At least in recent memory.
Jen: Twice seems like a lot when it’s your brother telling you about how sticky and yellow they are, I guess.
Steve: Hahaha. It sounds dirty when you put it like that.
Jen: What, it JUST started sounding dirty? What’s it like being the vice president of Candyland?
Steve: Pretty sweet.Posted by: Jen -
(douchey guy talking loudly on his phone)
Douche: Yeah, we have a great working environment. We do a ton of team-building exercises.
Posted by: Sean -
(a college couple observes a bunch of male students playing soccer in the mud)
Boyfriend: Eww.
Girlfriend: They’re probably rich kids. They can afford to do laundry.
Boyfriend: Oh.Posted by: Sean -
Sean: someone on the news just said “tornadic activity”
Jen: i think that’s something that happens when your gall bladder produces too much bile
Sean: that’s…horrific
Jen: or else it’s where a dog’s stomach gets twisted and the vet has to go unwind it
and when the vet is in there he finds out the dog has also been eating pennies
that is called a Penny TornadoPosted by: Sean -
(while talking on the phone)
Sarah: So you want me to pick you up some blueberry oatmeal?
Sean: What? Did you say bloobies?
Sarah: No. What are bloobies?
Sean: Sounds like a combination of blueberry and boobies.
Sarah: Ugh.
Sean: Smurf tits!
Sarah: You’re disgusting.Posted by: Sean -
Jen: there is an ad on a webpage that says “Shop Now! Adult Costumes”, but the lady in the picture is fully clothed and dressed as just a slightly bosomy Queen of Hearts
so i am confused. is this an online store for grown-up sized costumes, or a store where i can buy costumes to make me look like a slut?Sean: grown up costumes for people that want to go out for halloween, but not be slutty.
also available – non-sexy librarianJen: nobody likes stores like that
Sean: frumpy teacher
Jen: Professional Nurse
Sean: ha. she’s good at her job, she doesn’t need to be a whore
Jen: Inhumanoid Alien
Sean: Grouchy Policewoman
Jen: Policewoman with Practical Boots
Posted by: Sean -
(discussing the possibility of an Alien prequel)
Jen: prequel? who could possibly be interested in that crap
Jen: Alien 0: Gassing Up the Nostromo
Alien 0: Some Random Aliens Crashed into a PlanetSean: Alien 0: Man, Tom Skerritt looks old
Alien 0: Ripley Picks out a Cat at the Intergalactic Humane SocietyJen: Alien 0: Suspicious New Doctor
Alien 0: Ripley Plans a Birthday Party for Next YearSean: we’ll see her opening up a storage bag with some of those trick birthday candles in it.
but the joke will be on her.
since, ya know, it’s like 80 years later.Jen: it was her daughter’s birthday
“wah wah wah, i promised her i’d be home for her 10th birthday! wah wah wah, daughter is dead.”Sean: that’ll teach her to procreate and then get attacked by an unscrupulous robot doctor controlled by a mega-corporation hellbent on studying an interesting but deadly new creature
Jen: Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit!
seriously that step 3 was always the problem for me with the aliens.
Step 1: Aliens.
Step 2: Paul Reiser.Sean: Step 3 involved leaving the room and snorting a lot of coke
Jen: that’s some good screenwriting.
Posted by: Sean -
(while at a fancy dinner)
Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!
Posted by: Sean -
(while discussing the FDA’s new power over cigarettes)
Sean: They should separate the Drugs from the FDA. They should just do food.
Brian: Right, so what does the FDA even regulate now?
Sean: Things you put in your mouth?
Brian: Bah. They should be the Food and Dick Administration.
Sean: Uhh…
Brian: Wait, not that I put those in my mouth!Posted by: Sean -
Sean (said with a lilting lisp): “It’s a sandwich from Turkey Island. It’s a magical place where turkeys roam free and then turn into sandwiches.”
Posted by: Sarah -
Me: “Fuck! I just cmd-Q’d firefox on accident AGAIN!”
Sean: “You should look into smaller fingers.”
Me: “Are you saying I have fat pinkies!”Posted by: Sarah -
{while walking down steps to the local beach on a beautiful day}
Overly tan woman (enthusiastically): Hey! You guys must be down here to get a tan!
[Sean and Dawn look at their own pale skin]
Tan woman (still enthusiastic): Are you here from one of the cold countries?!
[Awkward pause]
Dawn: Um…no.
[Tan woman walks away, undoubtedly to tell all her friends how people from the "cold countries" are albino jerks.]Posted by: Sean -
Chris: I should totally rent a midget!
Max: You can’t “rent” a midget.
Chris: Can I rent a dwarf?
Max: You can’t rent people.
Chris: I’ve been to Thailand, yes you can.
Posted by: Max -
Christine: I can drive.
Sean: Cool.
Christine: So it’ll be you, me, Paka, Vince and Brian in my car.
{Vince walks up}
Christine: I’m gonna be in a man sandwich all day!
Vince: What the hell!Posted by: Sean -
(an asian sorority is giving out fundraiser fliers for Panda Express.)
(meanwhile, in line)Girl (eyeing form in boyfriend’s hand): Do you really want to give them 20% of your money?
Boyfriend: Hmm?
Girl: You know. (whispers) The asians.Posted by: Sean -
(At the Santa Barbara Sunday art walk by the beach, a vaguely hispanic vendor who’s definitely not speaking Spanish sells palm tree seed necklaces for $25)
Middle-Aged White Guy: Veinte.
Vendor: What? No, it’s $25.
Middle-Aged White Guy: Veinte.
Vendor: *sigh* Ok, $20.
Middle-Aged White Guy: Gracias
*pause*
Middle-Aged White Guy: Vaya con dios.Posted by: Sarah -
(while driving through San Simeon, CA on Highway 1)
Sarah: What the fuck?!
Sean (surprised): What?
{Sarah points out the window. Sean looks.}
Sean: What the fuck?!{In a field to the side of the freeway are half a dozen Zebras, calmly grazing. ZEBRAS}
Posted by: Sean -
(Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club)
Christine: Tyler, you’re really sweaty.
Tyler: Christine, you DON’T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much.
*shocked pause*
Tyler (gesturing): Hey Sean, come listen to what I just told Christine!Posted by: Sean -
(Heard by people in the lobby while I was complaining about an upgrade)
Me: I don’t want to spend Friday night waiting for some dude to call!
Posted by: Anonymous -
(Jen is wearing a dress with a small busy pattern.)
Steve: Your dress is making me dizzy.
Jen: Sorry, I never realized, since I don’t have to look at it.
Steve: It’s like one of those posters with the hidden picture in it.
Jen: Ha ha, Magic Eye! Yeah, I’ve got a sailboat hidden over here on my shoulder.
Steve (making graphic hand gestures): Does it make, like, your boobs look bigger?
Jen: HELLO? Inappropriate!
Steve (musing): That would be GREAT.Posted by: Jen -
Jen: Creepy.
Sean: It’s a small and creepy world.Posted by: Jen -
Steve: I suspect that he misdiagnosed shyness as a hernia.
Posted by: Jen
