Quotes Page - The New Era


jen: it's like finding an easter egg made of hilarious.
posted by: sean	Dec 12 2004, 11:18pm


[Dawn shows off her new driver's license picture.] Randall: Wow, you look kind of fat. (Everyone is shocked.) Randall: I mean, because you're actually so skinny... I should think before I talk.
posted by: jen	Dec 09 2004, 08:27pm


Frink: I don't like nuts. They make my mouth itch.
posted by: jen	Dec 09 2004, 01:17pm


(while discussing Thanksgiving versus other holidays) Lee: Yeah, I've heard that Thanksgiving has the most babies consumed out of all the holidays. Sean, Tessa, Max: {blank stare} Lee: Conceived! Babies conceived! I don't eat babies!
posted by: sean	Nov 25 2004, 11:28am


(Lopaka, Shasta, Andy and Dorothy at a sushi restaurant, Shasta was the only person given a knife and fork) Shasta: Is this because I'm white?
posted by: lopaka	Nov 23 2004, 10:46am


(Note: Stephen is 21 years old.) Stephen (answering a quiz question): Men in Black? Jen: Nope. You're close. Stephen: Men in Black II. Jen: Right. Stephen: Sheesh. Who knew numbers were sooooo important? I didn't. That's why I'm 43 years old.
posted by: jen	Nov 23 2004, 10:10am


Billy: Damnit, I'm still waiting for a steak knife to cut this meat. Sean (jokingly reaching for his pocket): You can borrow my knife if you want. Billy: Ha, I just might at this point. Sean: On second thought, you don't know where it's been. Billy: Oh yeah? Sean: Yeah, you'd be cutting your food and then say "Hey, this tastes like homeless person!"
posted by: sean	Nov 21 2004, 09:41am


steve m: ouch. boner burn!
posted by: alex	Nov 10 2004, 03:59pm


sean: as long as it ends in a threesome, i don't care.
posted by: alex	Nov 10 2004, 11:15am


(the phone rings) Sean: Hello, this is Sean. Vanessa: Hi Sean. Um, do you have a key to the president's office? Sean: Yeah, why? Vanessa: Can you come down here and unlock it? I have to put stickers on condoms. Sean: Uh, ok then.
posted by: sean	Nov 08 2004, 10:08am


(standing in a group outside. a political operative approaches us, handing us free water with the label advertising for a local judicial candidate.) Shasta: Wait, I don't know this guy. What if it's evil poisoned republican water?
posted by: sean	Nov 01 2004, 03:20pm


lora: always nice to open up a webpage and see 'dick bread'
posted by: sean	Oct 19 2004, 04:32pm


(Andy traps a small moth in a glass at dinner.) (20 minutes pass) Sean: (taps glass) I think it's dead. You killed it Andy, how does that make you feel? Andy: Um...superior?
posted by: sean	Sep 18 2004, 11:04pm


While discussing employment options Rick--"I've given up on jobs where I have to wear pants"
posted by: max	Jul 16 2004, 03:34pm


Tessa: you're such a prick! Max: I am not, I'm only a pretend one. Tessa: So does that make you a dildo?
posted by: tessa	Jul 04 2004, 02:15am


madeline: maybe i'll get early adult onset....um....um.... sean: Alzheimer's? madeline: oh my god! i forgot the word for Alzheimer's!
posted by: sean	Jun 22 2004, 01:38pm


from another site: The Two Things about World Conquest: 1. Divide and Conquer. 2. Never invade Russia in the winter. from jen and sean: 3. "Never get in a land war in Asia" 4. Never challenge a Sicilian, when death is on the line. 5. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ..... ha! dead 6. Poison both the goblets. 7. Build up immunity to iocaine powder. 8. Call bitchy ex-girlfriend a tramp. 9. Slap supposed kidnapper. 10. Roll down hill. 11. "As....you.....wiiiiiishhhhh!" 12. Wonder what you saw in that horsey-faced girl in the first place. 13. Choose girl over rodents of unusual size. But it was close. 14. Be a man of action. Lies do not become you. 15. Get year of life sucked out of you. It tingles. 16. Go back to the beginning. 17. Albinos have soft heads. 18. "Mawwiage." 19. Holocaust cloaks are handy for bbqs and party tricks. 20. Only be mostly dead. 21. True love and gambling are closely related. 22. I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. 23. "Good luck storming the castle!" 24. Destroy your perfect breasts. 25. "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die." 26. "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die. Ouch." 27. "Stop saying that!" 28. Offer him money. 29. Offer him power. 30. Offer him anything. 30. Offer him everything he asks for and more. 31. He wants his father back, you son of a bitch. 32. Kill him. Revenge is sweet. 33. Threaten to cut off the prince's appendages. Minus the ears. 34. Nah, he's bluffing. 35. "Drop....your....sword." 36. Wet yourself. 37. Collapse onto bed as girlfriend and lackey tie up bad guy. 38. Wonder why girlfriend is so dense. 39. Hope girlfriend is more enlightened in bed. (After all this crap, she'd better be the Mata Hari.) 40. Hey, four white horses. 41. That story wasn't so bad Columbo..err..granddad. 42. The end. Or is it? (Dum dum dummmmmm) 43. Cue studio exec, 15 years later, pitching idea for "The Princess Daughter" about 15 year old rebelling against her parents. She runs away and has an adventure with Inigo and the gentle giant now played by Hulk Hogan.
posted by: sean	Apr 13 2004, 11:27am


sean: the whole day has been about paka's hot dog!
posted by: lopaka	Apr 02 2004, 03:59pm


discussing a bizarro group of friends, just like ours sean: we should fight them. alex: do you have any idea what that could do to the universe? sean: screw the universe, this is about reputation.
posted by: alex	Apr 01 2004, 07:11pm


Shasta: So I was reading the cover of Network Magazine the other day.. Paka (interrupting): Wait wait! Say that again, slowly. It turns me on.
posted by: sean	Mar 30 2004, 01:59pm


(at dinner on a cruise ship) Shasta: This kahlua cake doesn't taste much like kahlua. Sean: I thought you said koala cake. That doesn't seem tasty. Shasta: Aww. Poor koalas. Billy: Man, koalas will mess you up!
posted by: sean	Mar 29 2004, 04:52pm


jen: dentists are scary jen: they're like shop teachers of the mouth sean: oh great, now i'm going to imagine my dentist with a circular saw, thanx.
posted by: sean	Mar 09 2004, 09:30pm


tobin: writing, it's like reading, but you don't know what it says until you make it.
posted by: alex	Mar 08 2004, 10:43pm


So we meet again! This quote isn't that cool on the internet, but if you really loved me... you would come to Los Angeles so you could submit to the cold torture of a murderous gazing Canham and a harshly mouthed Fernandez
posted by: Gabe	Feb 14 2004, 12:28pm


madeline: c'mon sean, everyone knows that the only safe bestiality is abstinence.
posted by: sean	Feb 11 2004, 07:12pm


(in regards to a story about an airline pilot asking christian passengers to identify themselves so non-christians could talk to them about their faith) jen: i just read that. [mock pilot announcment] "if you're a christian, raise your hand so non-christians can punch you in the face." sean: "i'll be available after the flight so you can kick me in the groin. that's all you dirty heathens." jen: "keep in mind that if the plane starts to depressurize, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling and the nonbelievers will go on to burn in hell." sean: "if your fellow passengers are buggering each other, please do not try to talk to them about christianity. no matter how many times they yell out 'oh god, oh god!' " jen: "and unless you're a member of our frequent-flying clergy program, do not join in the buggering." sean: "buggering automatically forfeits your right to inflight peanuts, the terrible movie, and eternal salvation. well, if you enjoy it, that is." jen: "if you'll look out the window, you should see a cloud formation that looks just like our holy virgin mother, bleeding out her eyes!" sean: "and directly below; the sinners of san francisco. i'd ask you all to spit out the window, but i've been told, repeatedly, that this is a bad idea. so please, instead, wish for their quick death and eternal damnation in your nightly prayers."
posted by: sean	Feb 08 2004, 08:46pm


sean: ..and this is my suspicious yet happy face. madeline: Impressive. You're a very complex man. sean: Yes, I have many layers. Like an onion. madeline: Well, I'm flexible..um..like an onion.
posted by: sean	Jan 21 2004, 05:06pm


discussing Britney Spears, the almighty tobin: "She's so cold, she's hot. She's so hot, she's cold. She's so yin, she's yang. And now to wax my wang."
posted by: alex	Dec 02 2003, 10:11pm


(jess talking with alex about housing possibilities in Hayward) jess: you might want to look at B street. alex: B as in boy? or D as in dog? jess: boy as in dog. alex: laughs maniacally jess (realizing error): laughs i mean B as in boy! sean (listening in, messaged to alex): my girlfriend doesn't know the alphabet. alex: awesome funny. sean: it's only embarassing when we play scrabble. the rest of the time, it's ok.
posted by: sean	Dec 01 2003, 06:55pm


While watching a friend play a videogame Yamo "This game is the rough equivalent of masturbating with sandpaper"
posted by: max	Oct 12 2003, 03:45am


DEM0NH00D:new topic! LAM0NT: Fiddle faddle...any thoughts? DEM0NH00D: not as good as poppycock! LAM0NT: I'm not eating anything with the word cock in it DEM0NH00D: that's not what i hear DEM0NH00D: :p LAM0NT: suck my poppy
posted by: Max	Oct 07 2003, 11:35pm


tobin: I think I prefer "songs to which one ought to eat twat" for an album title, reserving "cunilingus ditty" for the hit single. Other songs include "greasy smile", "it only smells like fish", "I found the boat, where's the man", and the anthem sing-a-long "tasty pink taco"
posted by: alex	Sep 11 2003, 10:11pm


emulating her childhood self Andria: When I have a boyfriend, I want to kiss him on a boat.
posted by: alex	Sep 06 2003, 10:11pm


(Sean puts on a Mac OS X t-shirt that prominently displays a big blue X) Jess: Hey look, X marks the geek!
posted by: sean	Sep 05 2003, 01:29pm


(while playing with a friend's cats) Jess: The cats are licking their own crotches. I'm not sure whether to be grossed out or jealous.
posted by: sean	Jul 30 2003, 02:03pm


colin (the sailor): "Pirates of the Caribbean" has got to be the best movie since "Captain Ron"!
posted by: alex	Jul 15 2003, 09:04pm


jen: if everybody had very nice lives, we'd all run out of reasons to drink.
posted by: alex	Jun 25 2003, 11:20am


(while playing Metroid on the Gamecube) sean: ...and this is the analyze mode. you can run around and analyze everything. andria: ooh, women are good at analyzing things. alex (chuckling): so where's the over analyze button?
posted by: sean	Jun 19 2003, 09:34am


tessa: "I heard this is a great movie" mom: "yeah, FOR EGGS!" tessa: "WHAT?"
posted by: tessa	Jun 19 2003, 01:07am


(online conversation via broadcast messages) Steve: anyone else hear those sirens on campus? Sean: some power transformer blow up again or something? Jen: if you all die, I get your stereos Steve: granted Alex: i'd like to be burried with my stereo playing 'tell me something good' Sean: much better choice than queen's 'another one bites the dust'. Tobin: I'd like to be buried with my stereo playing 'let's get it on' Sean: maybe we should get into the business of coffin tunes. tobin tries to sell them on something innappropriate, and one of us plays the consoling sensitive one who sells them 'Stairway to Heaven' instead. it's foolproof Tobin: what's that smell? that smells like... like... brilliance! Alex: as if a coffin playing stairway to heaven ISN'T inappropriate Sean: it'll seem downright poetic next to tobin's 'me so horny' suggestion Tobin: ooh... we could start with an exhumation special, for those who were unfortunately buried without a soundtrack Sean: 'their afterlife will not be one of silent rotting any longer'. that'll be our motto Tobin: and we could have different packages, rotting to the oldies, rott and roll or make your own 'decomposition composition'
posted by: sean	Jun 02 2003, 11:53am


Alex: Jen always gets scared when I pull my candy out too soon.
posted by: sean	Jun 02 2003, 12:47am


Billy J: I learn things from tv. I learned from Leave it to Beaver that every time you shave, your hair gets thicker when it grows back. Alex: So eventually it'll be this huuuge {forms hands in ring the size of a tennis ball}. Jess: Did the beaver shave on that show? Billy J: Well... {much laughter}
posted by: sean	May 29 2003, 10:38pm


Steve Y.: It's only blackmail if you're not proud of it.
posted by: sean	May 29 2003, 10:33pm


lamont: Taco Bell has no bell demonhood: mcdonalds is not irish demonhood: or scottish even lamont: Pizza Hut is run by humans not Hutts demonhood: there is no royalty at burger king lamont: Jack in the Box and Carl's Junior are both utterly perverse names demonhood: wendy's doesn't even serve wendy burgers anymore lamont: And In and Out is no longer what "a hamburger is all about" They're changing the name to "In and then snuggle a bit" demonhood: subway lives above ground lamont: Marie Calendar's doesn't know what month it is demonhood: sizzler boils everything lamont: Dairy Queen isn't actually run by lactose intolerant gay men. demonhood: panda express food is comprised entirely of pandas that weren't fast enough to get away lamont: Del Taco is not truly "Of the Taco" demonhood: olive garden salts the earth after they've gotten their produce lamont: Little Cesaer's is all that remains of the Roman empire. demonhood: dominoes builds too closely to tall unstable neighboring establishments lamont: Don Jose isn't really a Don demonhood: Red Robin's carpet doesn't match the drapes lamont: Black Angus is white. demonhood: outback steakhouse uses indoor plumbing lamont: Chili's doesn't use real baby backs. lamont: Long John Silvers wears boxers. demonhood: foster's freeze serves warm food too lamont: White Castle is more of a fort. demonhood: the owner of Chevy's prefers Fords lamont: Dunkin' Donuts can only do layups demonhood: Krispy Kremes was actually started by a man named Krispy.
posted by: sean	Mar 03 2003, 03:17pm


eating chocolate, jen sneezes violently jen: ACHOO! whoa, I think I got chocolate in my nose... looks around... smells good in here.
posted by: alex	Feb 03 2003, 09:31pm


Alex (striking a karate pose to imitate the author on the cover of the book Dynamic Strength): I'm Harry Wong! pause Alex, thoughtfully: Oh my god, that guy's name is Harry Wong!
posted by: jen	Feb 03 2003, 09:26pm


alex: have you heard of those dildos that you strap onto your chin? jen: you mean the "Leno Dildo"?
posted by: alex	Jan 24 2003, 10:56pm


Billy: That's the creed of those damn dirty hippies: Fight the man. Fight the shower.
posted by: sean	Jan 09 2003, 02:03pm