Christine: Well, I licked it once so I could reattach the hat.
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Posted by: Sean
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Bicycle Cop: So, what are you on parole for?
Heavily Tattooed Guy: Um…assault with a deadly weapon.
Cop: Was it a gun?
Guy: What?
Cop: The assault, did you use a gun?
Guy: Oh no, it was a bottle.
Cop (visibly relaxing): Oh, ok then.Posted by: Sean -
Billy: I like em really young and raw.
So they don’t taste like bananas.Posted by: Sean -
Devin (impatient): Yes Katie Morgan is hot. Now let’s get some fucking cookies.
Posted by: Sean -
(as hundreds of bikeriders participating in the annual Fiesta Cruiser Ride try to pass over a narrow bridge, causing everyone to slow down and walk their bikes)
Guy in underpants and bright red boots: Hey, I like it tight, but this is ridiculous!
Posted by: Sean -
(students chatting about classes and tests)
Excitable Student: Oh man, I love multiple choice. I always pass those. Scantrons and all that. Multiple choice is my shit!
Posted by: Sean -
(The rat pee talk continues)
Jen: seriously tho, rats do that. remember to wash your hands the next time you cuddle a hamster.
Sean: i will remember that, next time i cuddle a hamster. which will be never.
i hopeJen: i used to cuddle our hamster. but i always washed my hands.
Sean: or wore mittens
Jen: no, because then you have to wash the mittens
sometimes it is just better to get the pee all over your hands.Sean: you’re right, that’s a pain. and then they’d be all faded when they’re pinned to your jacket
Jen: no, hamsters don’t enjoy being pinned to a jacket
Sean: “Now Jen, don’t forget your hamster for show and tell.” *PINNED*
Jen: it’s nicer to tie two hamsters to a long string and then feed them through the sleeves of your jacket
Posted by: Sean -
(Discussing Debbie Gibson and Tiffany starring in a new movie called “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”)
Sean: the title is dangerously close to getting me excited about buying some electrolytes tho
Jen: wouldn’t a gatoroid be a smaller version of a gator?
like a meteoroid?Sean: good question
Jen: or a metroid?
Sean: it could also be a gator on steroids
or a gator/android
or a gator who drank too much gatoradeJen: i dunno about the steroids
a gator who has to pee like, all the time
“I had the flu last week and now I can’t stop peeing, chomp chomp”Sean: “It makes me so angry I could stomp on this stupid town. Also, I hope my human enemies don’t use this trail of pee to track me.”
Jen: i find it interesting that you interpret gators as rodents in this scenario, peeing in trails all over the place
Sean: everything pees, not just rodents. but yes, my closest gator association is the batman villain who lived in the sewers. so, close enough
Jen: i know everything pees, but rodents pee all the time to mark their way around
i mean, do YOU pee all the time so you can find your way back to your burrow?Sean: no, i have gps for that
Jen: hahaha
P.S.
Global Peeing SystemPosted by: Sean -
Sarah: Mmm, this is the best my fingers have ever tasted.
Posted by: Sean -
Jen: Hey, nobody’s talking about the Klan here. I just indicated that us white people had a meeting where we decided what kinds of actors we like.
Torrell: That’s true, Mexicans do the same thing.
Jen: La Raza!
Torrell: No, we get our business done at quinceañeras.Posted by: Jen -
Jen: What are you watching?
Torrell: Marine 2.
Jen: Who’s in it?
Torrell: I don’t know. You might recognize him, though. He looks like the kind of action-type actor that white people would like.(After careful consideration of the main character.)
Jen: Nope, sorry. I don’t recognize that guy. He must not have been at the last white peoples’ meeting.
Torrell: You’re talking about the Klan, right?Posted by: Jen -
(while looking at an April Fools day issue of a newspaper)
Brian: Retirement home brothel. Ha. Christine, check out who wrote the article. {hands her the paper}
Christine (reading): Anna Linjection? Who’s that?Posted by: Sean -
Sean: Nice quote. Sadly, it caused the google ads on the page to become about interracial match making.
Jen: I can think of something that will cause them to become even more so.Posted by: Jen -
Steve: My new balls arrived today, the bright yellow ones are very tacky. Like, they stick to each other a lot.
Jen: You tell me about your balls a lot.
Steve: I’ve only told you about my balls twice, I think. At least in recent memory.
Jen: Twice seems like a lot when it’s your brother telling you about how sticky and yellow they are, I guess.
Steve: Hahaha. It sounds dirty when you put it like that.
Jen: What, it JUST started sounding dirty? What’s it like being the vice president of Candyland?
Steve: Pretty sweet.Posted by: Jen -
(douchey guy talking loudly on his phone)
Douche: Yeah, we have a great working environment. We do a ton of team-building exercises.
Posted by: Sean -
(a college couple observes a bunch of male students playing soccer in the mud)
Boyfriend: Eww.
Girlfriend: They’re probably rich kids. They can afford to do laundry.
Boyfriend: Oh.Posted by: Sean -
Sean: someone on the news just said “tornadic activity”
Jen: i think that’s something that happens when your gall bladder produces too much bile
Sean: that’s…horrific
Jen: or else it’s where a dog’s stomach gets twisted and the vet has to go unwind it
and when the vet is in there he finds out the dog has also been eating pennies
that is called a Penny TornadoPosted by: Sean
