Quotes Page

It was the Texture

Sean — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 22:00:10 +0000

Sarah: Why did we come into the mall?

Sean: Because we hate people?

Steve: Hating people burns a lot of calories. Look at Hitler, he wasn’t overweight.

Sean: Wasn’t he a vegetarian though?

Steve: That may have had something to do with it.

Sean: I wonder why he didn’t eat meat. It certainly wasn’t for moral reasons.

Barely Worse than the Flu

Sean — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 07:06:27 +0000

Satya: He told me it was a really mild case of Ebola.

(later)

Satya: After he left I sprayed the whole place down with Lysol.

Especially for the Slug

Sean — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 03:07:27 +0000

Sarah: Nothing takes the romance out of a moment like stepping on a slug.

(runs off into the bathroom to wipe off her foot)

The Circle of Hipster Life

Sean — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 18:14:31 +0000

(two hipster skater guys at breakfast)

Guy:Would you like to see the Lion King 3D with me tonight? I’ll hold your hand.

For the Science Fair

Sean — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 21:15:03 +0000

(guy standing in the street, talking on his phone)

Guy: What is it? Um, well, it’s a beer pong tournament. You know, for school.

Assorted Chicken Parts

Sean — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 21:46:09 +0000

(employee trying to upsell additional items at a chinese restaurant)

Employee: Would you like our bbq chicken?
Beth: Is it white meat or dark meat?
Employee: It’s teriyaki!

Dick Panini

Sean — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 20:49:41 +0000

Jen: i think we have plans to go look at cars
Sean: babymobiles?
Jen: REGULAR CARS
Sean: dodge minivan complete with a BABY ON BOARD placard
Jen: eat ten dicks
Sean: that’s so many. i’m not even hungry
Jen:well you should have thought of that before you got all smarty on me
now you got ten dicks and they ain’t gonna eat themselves
which reminds me it’s time for me to go get a sandwich
Sean: haha dick sandwich
Jen: hey whatever helps you get the dicks down

For Water or Milk

Sean — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 05:08:52 +0000

(While driving down the road, past a woman carrying 2 large empty water bottles)

Sarah (screaming out the window): Nice jugs!

Beg for More

Sean — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 21:13:17 +0000

Jen: you just need to do one impulsively ill advised thing, and see what it tastes like.
(hopefully it won’t taste like hobo cock.)

With Teeth

Sean — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 22:26:56 +0000

(passing by a college student on her phone)

Woman: No no. I was surrounded by a bunch of pretentious cunts.

Thats How it Sticks

Sean — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 04:03:50 +0000

Christine: Well, I licked it once so I could reattach the hat.

Well That’s OK Then

Sean — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 16:20:36 +0000

Bicycle Cop: So, what are you on parole for?
Heavily Tattooed Guy: Um…assault with a deadly weapon.
Cop: Was it a gun?
Guy: What?
Cop: The assault, did you use a gun?
Guy: Oh no, it was a bottle.
Cop (visibly relaxing): Oh, ok then.

Peel Em Early

Sean — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 22:34:33 +0000

Billy: I like em really young and raw.
So they don’t taste like bananas.

Porn Cookies

Sean — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 08:28:32 +0000

Devin (impatient): Yes Katie Morgan is hot. Now let’s get some fucking cookies.

Small Openings

Sean — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 21:48:11 +0000

(as hundreds of bikeriders participating in the annual Fiesta Cruiser Ride try to pass over a narrow bridge, causing everyone to slow down and walk their bikes)

Guy in underpants and bright red boots: Hey, I like it tight, but this is ridiculous!

Multiple Choice

Sean — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 16:11:21 +0000

(students chatting about classes and tests)

Excitable Student: Oh man, I love multiple choice. I always pass those. Scantrons and all that. Multiple choice is my shit!

Cuddle Hamster Monsters

Sean — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 20:36:32 +0000

(The rat pee talk continues)

Jen: seriously tho, rats do that. remember to wash your hands the next time you cuddle a hamster.

Sean: i will remember that, next time i cuddle a hamster. which will be never.
i hope

Jen: i used to cuddle our hamster. but i always washed my hands.

Sean: or wore mittens

Jen: no, because then you have to wash the mittens
sometimes it is just better to get the pee all over your hands.

Sean: you’re right, that’s a pain. and then they’d be all faded when they’re pinned to your jacket

Jen: no, hamsters don’t enjoy being pinned to a jacket

Sean: “Now Jen, don’t forget your hamster for show and tell.” *PINNED*

Jen: it’s nicer to tie two hamsters to a long string and then feed them through the sleeves of your jacket

Don’t Pee in the Gatoroid

Sean — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 20:33:15 +0000

(Discussing Debbie Gibson and Tiffany starring in a new movie called “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”)

Sean: the title is dangerously close to getting me excited about buying some electrolytes tho

Jen: wouldn’t a gatoroid be a smaller version of a gator?
like a meteoroid?

Sean: good question

Jen: or a metroid?

Sean: it could also be a gator on steroids
or a gator/android
or a gator who drank too much gatorade

Jen: i dunno about the steroids
a gator who has to pee like, all the time
“I had the flu last week and now I can’t stop peeing, chomp chomp”

Sean: “It makes me so angry I could stomp on this stupid town. Also, I hope my human enemies don’t use this trail of pee to track me.”

Jen: i find it interesting that you interpret gators as rodents in this scenario, peeing in trails all over the place

Sean: everything pees, not just rodents. but yes, my closest gator association is the batman villain who lived in the sewers. so, close enough

Jen: i know everything pees, but rodents pee all the time to mark their way around
i mean, do YOU pee all the time so you can find your way back to your burrow?

Sean: no, i have gps for that

Jen: hahaha
P.S.
Global Peeing System

Too Bad There are Only Ten of Them

Sean — Mon, 17 May 2010 05:20:37 +0000

Sarah: Mmm, this is the best my fingers have ever tasted.

That’s Not Racial Transcendence, Pt. 2

Jen — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 05:55:08 +0000

Jen: Hey, nobody’s talking about the Klan here. I just indicated that us white people had a meeting where we decided what kinds of actors we like.
Torrell: That’s true, Mexicans do the same thing.
Jen: La Raza!
Torrell: No, we get our business done at quinceañeras.