Quotes Page

Multiple Choice

Sean — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 16:11:21 +0000

(students chatting about classes and tests)

Excitable Student: Oh man, I love multiple choice. I always pass those. Scantrons and all that. Multiple choice is my shit!

Cuddle Hamster Monsters

Sean — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 20:36:32 +0000

(The rat pee talk continues)

Jen: seriously tho, rats do that. remember to wash your hands the next time you cuddle a hamster.

Sean: i will remember that, next time i cuddle a hamster. which will be never.
i hope

Jen: i used to cuddle our hamster. but i always washed my hands.

Sean: or wore mittens

Jen: no, because then you have to wash the mittens
sometimes it is just better to get the pee all over your hands.

Sean: you’re right, that’s a pain. and then they’d be all faded when they’re pinned to your jacket

Jen: no, hamsters don’t enjoy being pinned to a jacket

Sean: “Now Jen, don’t forget your hamster for show and tell.” *PINNED*

Jen: it’s nicer to tie two hamsters to a long string and then feed them through the sleeves of your jacket

Don’t Pee in the Gatoroid

Sean — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 20:33:15 +0000

(Discussing Debbie Gibson and Tiffany starring in a new movie called “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”)

Sean: the title is dangerously close to getting me excited about buying some electrolytes tho

Jen: wouldn’t a gatoroid be a smaller version of a gator?
like a meteoroid?

Sean: good question

Jen: or a metroid?

Sean: it could also be a gator on steroids
or a gator/android
or a gator who drank too much gatorade

Jen: i dunno about the steroids
a gator who has to pee like, all the time
“I had the flu last week and now I can’t stop peeing, chomp chomp”

Sean: “It makes me so angry I could stomp on this stupid town. Also, I hope my human enemies don’t use this trail of pee to track me.”

Jen: i find it interesting that you interpret gators as rodents in this scenario, peeing in trails all over the place

Sean: everything pees, not just rodents. but yes, my closest gator association is the batman villain who lived in the sewers. so, close enough

Jen: i know everything pees, but rodents pee all the time to mark their way around
i mean, do YOU pee all the time so you can find your way back to your burrow?

Sean: no, i have gps for that

Jen: hahaha
P.S.
Global Peeing System

Too Bad There are Only Ten of Them

Sean — Mon, 17 May 2010 05:20:37 +0000

Sarah: Mmm, this is the best my fingers have ever tasted.

That’s Not Racial Transcendence, Pt. 2

Jen — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 05:55:08 +0000

Jen: Hey, nobody’s talking about the Klan here. I just indicated that us white people had a meeting where we decided what kinds of actors we like.
Torrell: That’s true, Mexicans do the same thing.
Jen: La Raza!
Torrell: No, we get our business done at quinceañeras.

That’s Not Racial Transcendence, Pt. 1

Jen — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 05:45:20 +0000

Jen: What are you watching?
Torrell: Marine 2.
Jen: Who’s in it?
Torrell: I don’t know. You might recognize him, though. He looks like the kind of action-type actor that white people would like.

(After careful consideration of the main character.)
Jen: Nope, sorry. I don’t recognize that guy. He must not have been at the last white peoples’ meeting.
Torrell: You’re talking about the Klan, right?

Playing Doctor

Sean — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 19:39:33 +0000

(while looking at an April Fools day issue of a newspaper)

Brian: Retirement home brothel. Ha. Christine, check out who wrote the article. {hands her the paper}
Christine (reading): Anna Linjection? Who’s that?

This Game Is Rigged. And Meta.

Jen — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 21:34:18 +0000

Sean: Nice quote. Sadly, it caused the google ads on the page to become about interracial match making.
Jen: I can think of something that will cause them to become even more so.

Perks of the Job

Jen — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 21:23:38 +0000

Steve: My new balls arrived today, the bright yellow ones are very tacky. Like, they stick to each other a lot.
Jen: You tell me about your balls a lot.
Steve: I’ve only told you about my balls twice, I think. At least in recent memory.
Jen: Twice seems like a lot when it’s your brother telling you about how sticky and yellow they are, I guess.
Steve: Hahaha. It sounds dirty when you put it like that.
Jen: What, it JUST started sounding dirty? What’s it like being the vice president of Candyland?
Steve: Pretty sweet.

Mutually Exclusive

Sean — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 23:42:04 +0000

(douchey guy talking loudly on his phone)

Douche: Yeah, we have a great working environment. We do a ton of team-building exercises.

Only the Rich Wash Regularly

Sean — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 21:09:44 +0000

(a college couple observes a bunch of male students playing soccer in the mud)

Boyfriend: Eww.
Girlfriend: They’re probably rich kids. They can afford to do laundry.
Boyfriend: Oh.

Tornadic

Sean — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 23:19:08 +0000

Sean: someone on the news just said “tornadic activity”
Jen: i think that’s something that happens when your gall bladder produces too much bile
Sean: that’s…horrific
Jen: or else it’s where a dog’s stomach gets twisted and the vet has to go unwind it
and when the vet is in there he finds out the dog has also been eating pennies
that is called a Penny Tornado

Bloobies Forever

Sean — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:46:18 +0000

(while talking on the phone)

Sarah: So you want me to pick you up some blueberry oatmeal?
Sean: What? Did you say bloobies?
Sarah: No. What are bloobies?
Sean: Sounds like a combination of blueberry and boobies.
Sarah: Ugh.
Sean: Smurf tits!
Sarah: You’re disgusting.

Frumpy Sexy Sorceror

Sean — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:15:03 +0000

Jen: there is an ad on a webpage that says “Shop Now! Adult Costumes”, but the lady in the picture is fully clothed and dressed as just a slightly bosomy Queen of Hearts
so i am confused. is this an online store for grown-up sized costumes, or a store where i can buy costumes to make me look like a slut?

Sean: grown up costumes for people that want to go out for halloween, but not be slutty.
also available – non-sexy librarian

Jen: nobody likes stores like that

Sean: frumpy teacher

Jen: Professional Nurse

Sean: ha. she’s good at her job, she doesn’t need to be a whore

Jen: Inhumanoid Alien

Sean: Grouchy Policewoman

Jen: Policewoman with Practical Boots

Alien 0: Rise of the Riser

Sean — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 00:18:51 +0000

(discussing the possibility of an Alien prequel)

Jen: prequel? who could possibly be interested in that crap
Jen: Alien 0: Gassing Up the Nostromo
Alien 0: Some Random Aliens Crashed into a Planet

Sean: Alien 0: Man, Tom Skerritt looks old
Alien 0: Ripley Picks out a Cat at the Intergalactic Humane Society

Jen: Alien 0: Suspicious New Doctor
Alien 0: Ripley Plans a Birthday Party for Next Year

Sean: we’ll see her opening up a storage bag with some of those trick birthday candles in it.
but the joke will be on her.
since, ya know, it’s like 80 years later.

Jen: it was her daughter’s birthday
“wah wah wah, i promised her i’d be home for her 10th birthday! wah wah wah, daughter is dead.”

Sean: that’ll teach her to procreate and then get attacked by an unscrupulous robot doctor controlled by a mega-corporation hellbent on studying an interesting but deadly new creature

Jen: Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit!
seriously that step 3 was always the problem for me with the aliens.
Step 1: Aliens.
Step 2: Paul Reiser.

Sean: Step 3 involved leaving the room and snorting a lot of coke

Jen: that’s some good screenwriting.

Unusual Food Delivery

Sean — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 22:24:24 +0000

(while at a fancy dinner)

Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!

And Give up the Drugs?

Sean — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 23:10:20 +0000

(while discussing the FDA’s new power over cigarettes)

Sean: They should separate the Drugs from the FDA. They should just do food.
Brian: Right, so what does the FDA even regulate now?
Sean: Things you put in your mouth?
Brian: Bah. They should be the Food and Dick Administration.
Sean: Uhh…
Brian: Wait, not that I put those in my mouth!

Turkey Island

Sarah — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 16:19:27 +0000

Sean (said with a lilting lisp): “It’s a sandwich from Turkey Island. It’s a magical place where turkeys roam free and then turn into sandwiches.”

Huge Pinkies

Sarah — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 19:01:54 +0000

Me: “Fuck! I just cmd-Q’d firefox on accident AGAIN!”
Sean: “You should look into smaller fingers.”
Me: “Are you saying I have fat pinkies!”

Sun Worship

Sean — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 21:57:16 +0000

{while walking down steps to the local beach on a beautiful day}

Overly tan woman (enthusiastically): Hey! You guys must be down here to get a tan!
[Sean and Dawn look at their own pale skin]
Tan woman (still enthusiastic): Are you here from one of the cold countries?!
[Awkward pause]
Dawn: Um…no.
[Tan woman walks away, undoubtedly to tell all her friends how people from the "cold countries" are albino jerks.]