sean: i’m eating easter candy. does that make me a bad jew?
jen: you can’t eat the candy if you’ve killed our Lord.
jen: unless, while he was being crucified, he was stuck with a spear and candy fell out
sean: oooh. our lord the piñata. the holy grail was actually a candy bowl!
jen: i can’t decide if that was the most sacreligious thing i’ve ever thought. it certainly felt like it.
sean: it’s pretty hilariously sacrilegious. i think the flames of hell are lapping at your heals a little bit more after that one
jen: now i’m picturing mary magdalene wailing on the ground, gathering up hard candy in her headscarf.
sean: she loved caramel almost as much as she loved that rascal jesus. in a platonic sort of way, of course.
jen: who even knows with jesus. they probably played sex games where he covered her in Magic Shell then commanded her to RISE FROM THE DEAD! ”
sean: deliciously naughty. they just etched your name into your seat in hell
jen: this being, of course, where the tradition of hollow easter chocolate comes from.
sean: ah. i wish they would have kept it the naked lady instead of the bunny
jen: it’s a metaphor.
sean: screw the metaphor, i want lady chocolate!
jen: you’d screw that too.
sean: it’d fall apart. and that just wouldn’t do.
sean: jesus was all about the loose women and empty calories.
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Sean
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Sean
(in regards to a story about an airline pilot asking christian passengers to identify themselves so non-christians could talk to them about their faith)
jen: i just read that.
[mock pilot announcment]
“if you’re a christian, raise your hand so non-christians can punch you in the face.”
sean: “i’ll be available after the flight so you can kick me in the groin. that’s all you dirty heathens.”
jen: “keep in mind that if the plane starts to depressurize, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling and the nonbelievers will go on to burn in hell.”
sean: “if your fellow passengers are buggering each other, please do not try to talk to them about christianity. no matter how many times they yell out ‘oh god, oh god!’ ”
jen: “and unless you’re a member of our frequent-flying clergy program, do not join in the buggering.”
sean: “buggering automatically forfeits your right to inflight peanuts, the terrible movie, and eternal salvation. well, if you enjoy it, that is.”
jen: “if you’ll look out the window, you should see a cloud formation that looks just like our holy virgin mother, bleeding out her eyes!”
sean: “and directly below; the sinners of san francisco. i’d ask you all to spit out the window, but i’ve been told, repeatedly, that this is a bad idea. so please, instead, wish for their quick death and eternal damnation in your nightly prayers.” -
Sean
(while walking thru an outdoor shopping center)
Popcorn Vendor (calling out): Free samples, if you’d like to taste!
Tessa: Did he just say “Free samples, for Christ’s sake.” ?
Max: I don’t think so.
Sean:: But that’d be a unique way to sell popcorn. Invoking the name of Jesus Christ. -
Tessa
“Atheist? So that’s better than Catholic right?” -said to me by my roomate.
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Jen
While discussing a Catholic mass Dawn had recently attended…
Narfa5 (1:57:39 PM): and i probably would have really gone off when i drank the wine
Narfa5 (1:57:47 PM): they were using the communal cup too
Narfa5 (1:57:50 PM): which is icky
JenRHock (1:58:01 PM): no, no no! they wipe it with the Napkin of Our Lord.
Narfa5 (1:58:12 PM): oh yeah, what was i thinking?
Narfa5 (1:58:25 PM): god will kill the germies!
Narfa5 (1:58:30 PM): but wait, he can’t do that, can he?
JenRHock (1:58:34 PM): The Lord’s Napkin is made antibacterial by the Grace of Our Lord Jesus. -
Sean
“All those gods you made up in your head are figments of your imagination!”
- Yelled by a man outside of a concert (Tori Amos, no less) carrying a sign that read “TRUST JESUS OR BURN IN HELL”
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Jen
Sean: I don’t think I’ve ever made baby Jesus cry. But I’ve tried. Oh, how I’ve tried.
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