(At the Santa Barbara Sunday art walk by the beach, a vaguely hispanic vendor who’s definitely not speaking Spanish sells palm tree seed necklaces for $25) Middle-Aged White Guy: Veinte. Vendor: What? No, it’s $25. Middle-Aged White Guy: Veinte. Vendor: *sigh* Ok, $20. Middle-Aged White Guy: Gracias *pause* Middle-Aged White Guy: Vaya con dios.
Yearly Archives: 2008
Not Painted Donkeys
(while driving through San Simeon, CA on Highway 1) Sarah: What the fuck?! Sean (surprised): What? {Sarah points out the window. Sean looks.} Sean: What the fuck?! {In a field to the side of the freeway are half a dozen Zebras, calmly grazing. ZEBRAS}
It’s My New IceBreaker
(Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club) Christine: Tyler, you’re really sweaty. Tyler: Christine, you DON’T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much. *shocked pause* Tyler …
Ring Damn You!
(Heard by people in the lobby while I was complaining about an upgrade) Me: I don’t want to spend Friday night waiting for some dude to call!
Magic Eye Boobs
(Jen is wearing a dress with a small busy pattern.) Steve: Your dress is making me dizzy. Jen: Sorry, I never realized, since I don’t have to look at it. Steve: It’s like one of those posters with the hidden picture in it. Jen: Ha ha, Magic Eye! Yeah, I’ve got a sailboat hidden over …
So Creepy
Jen: Creepy. Sean: It’s a small and creepy world.
Shy Hyena?
Steve: I suspect that he misdiagnosed shyness as a hernia.
Just the Rudest
a man wearing a cowboy hat at a night club approaches Jen from behind. he stands inches away, dancing suggestively behind her Christine: Jen, don’t turn around. Jen turns around. Jen (to the cowboy): Fuck off! You’re so very rude! Fuck off! Cowboy stammers a bit, then leaves. later Cowyboy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean …
Meet the McDickersons
Christine: So I was watching Kill Bill on TBS the other day, and they kept bleeping it when people said Uma Thurman’s character’s name. What was it? Brian: Cunty McDickerson. Christine: Oh. That is pretty bad. Makes sense they had to censor it.
Squid Enlightenment
Jen: the most deadly of octopus is as but a mewling baby in a death match with chuck norris when compared to the most mild-mannered of the vile squid.
Snort Job
(while discussing sexual “oops” moments at the local pub) Brian: ‘Oops’ is a myth even in my most drunken moments. There’s no oops. That would be like a girl saying “Oops, I went down on you with my nostril!” True story, a girl did actually go down on me once with her nostril…