Recent Updates Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Sean 1:55 pm on January 28, 2024 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: insults,   

    (a group of 11-13 year olds block half the bike path while standing on their scooters)
    Sarah (biking by): You’re blocking the path.
    13 year old kid: Shut up!
    (Sarah glares back at them)
    Sarah: No you shut up!

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 3:55 pm on February 28, 2022 Permalink | Reply  

    (standing in line for movie festival tickets)

    Older Man: Ok if I bring my dogs to the movie?
    Everyone: <laughs>
    Older Man: I love dogs. Maybe I’ll bring a dozen.
    Employee: I’m sure they’d enjoy it.
    (20 seconds later)
    Older Man: I had a chance, during high school, to kill people that ate dogs.
    Everyone: …
    Older Man: 2.4 million civilians. US Government sent us.
    Everyone: …
    Older Man: Vietnam. They still eat dogs today.
    He shakes his head, seemingly disgusted.
    Older Man: Delicious.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 9:45 pm on February 13, 2020 Permalink | Reply  

    Alex: My appreciation of Hugh Jackman came to completion in that…wait. No, not that way…

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 9:42 am on April 8, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: concert   

    {after a concert as the stage, lights and instruments are being broken down}

    Dude (calling out to a roadie): Hey! Can I get his sticks?
    Roadie (looking around): Sorry, none here.
    Dude (thinking): Ok. Can I have his Powerade?
    The roadie looks at the half empty bottle of blue Powerade near the drummer’s kit.
    Roadie (shaking his head): That’s too weird.

    {5 minutes later a less scrupulous roadie gave it to him.}

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 3:55 pm on August 12, 2014 Permalink | Reply  

    Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 8:49 pm on January 2, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , cruelty   

    {a woman talking VERY loudly during a phone conversation}

    Woman: He spent a lot of money on that boat. He deserves to ride it!
    Woman: What the hell is he gonna do with a gerbil?

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 10:40 pm on November 18, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Danger   

    (after some jokes involving knives & hobos in which it is insinuated that Sean is stabby)

    Dave: Better be careful with the way you dress Sarah. Sean might mistake you for a hobo.

    (awkward murdering silence as everyone examines Sarah’s attire)

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 9:14 pm on June 15, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: clipboards, easy way out   

    (a college-aged woman stands outside a supermarket with a clipboard. random guy approaches)

    Woman: Excuse me sir, do you have a minute to save our oceans from pollution?
    Man (stopping): Save our oceans from what?
    Woman: From ocean pollution.
    The man stares at her blankly. He’s stuck.
    Man: Yeah, I have no idea what that is.
    Woman (mouth slightly open): Ok. Thanks for your time.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 3:00 pm on December 26, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Diet, people, revisionist history, WWII   

    Sarah: Why did we come into the mall?

    Sean: Because we hate people?

    Steve: Hating people burns a lot of calories. Look at Hitler, he wasn’t overweight.

    Sean: Wasn’t he a vegetarian though?

    Steve: That may have had something to do with it.

    Sean: I wonder why he didn’t eat meat. It certainly wasn’t for moral reasons.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 12:06 am on December 16, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: contagious, Disease, lies   

    Satya: He told me it was a really mild case of Ebola.


    Satya: After he left I sprayed the whole place down with Lysol.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 8:07 pm on November 17, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: buzzkill,   

    Sarah: Nothing takes the romance out of a moment like stepping on a slug.

    (runs off into the bathroom to wipe off her foot)

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 11:14 am on October 23, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , hipster, Tenderness   

    (two hipster skater guys at breakfast)

    Guy:Would you like to see the Lion King 3D with me tonight? I’ll hold your hand.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 2:15 pm on October 9, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , for the kids   

    (guy standing in the street, talking on his phone)

    Guy: What is it? Um, well, it’s a beer pong tournament. You know, for school.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 1:46 pm on July 21, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , guts,   

    (employee trying to upsell additional items at a chinese restaurant)

    Employee: Would you like our bbq chicken?
    Beth: Is it white meat or dark meat?
    Employee: It’s teriyaki!

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 12:49 pm on June 3, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , sandwich   

    Jen: i think we have plans to go look at cars
    Sean: babymobiles?
    Sean: dodge minivan complete with a BABY ON BOARD placard
    Jen: eat ten dicks
    Sean: that’s so many. i’m not even hungry
    Jen:well you should have thought of that before you got all smarty on me
    now you got ten dicks and they ain’t gonna eat themselves
    which reminds me it’s time for me to go get a sandwich
    Sean: haha dick sandwich
    Jen: hey whatever helps you get the dicks down

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 9:08 pm on April 24, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Breasts,   

    (While driving down the road, past a woman carrying 2 large empty water bottles)

    Sarah (screaming out the window): Nice jugs!

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 8.0/10 (1 vote cast)
  • Sean 1:13 pm on April 5, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , life   

    Jen: you just need to do one impulsively ill advised thing, and see what it tastes like.
    (hopefully it won’t taste like hobo cock.)

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 2:26 pm on March 29, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    (passing by a college student on her phone)

    Woman: No no. I was surrounded by a bunch of pretentious cunts.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 8:03 pm on November 28, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , hat,   

    Christine: Well, I licked it once so I could reattach the hat.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 8:20 am on October 23, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , criminals, we prefer knives   

    Bicycle Cop: So, what are you on parole for?
    Heavily Tattooed Guy: Um…assault with a deadly weapon.
    Cop: Was it a gun?
    Guy: What?
    Cop: The assault, did you use a gun?
    Guy: Oh no, it was a bottle.
    Cop (visibly relaxing): Oh, ok then.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 2:34 pm on August 29, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: fruit,   

    Billy: I like em really young and raw.
    So they don’t taste like bananas.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 12:28 am on August 28, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    Devin (impatient): Yes Katie Morgan is hot. Now let’s get some fucking cookies.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 1:48 pm on August 9, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bicycles, chokepoint, fiesta, sex joke,   

    (as hundreds of bikeriders participating in the annual Fiesta Cruiser Ride try to pass over a narrow bridge, causing everyone to slow down and walk their bikes)

    Guy in underpants and bright red boots: Hey, I like it tight, but this is ridiculous!

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 8:11 am on July 30, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , tests   

    (students chatting about classes and tests)

    Excitable Student: Oh man, I love multiple choice. I always pass those. Scantrons and all that. Multiple choice is my shit!

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 12:36 pm on June 24, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: preschool, rodents, urine   

    (The rat pee talk continues)

    Jen: seriously tho, rats do that. remember to wash your hands the next time you cuddle a hamster.

    Sean: i will remember that, next time i cuddle a hamster. which will be never.
    i hope

    Jen: i used to cuddle our hamster. but i always washed my hands.

    Sean: or wore mittens

    Jen: no, because then you have to wash the mittens
    sometimes it is just better to get the pee all over your hands.

    Sean: you’re right, that’s a pain. and then they’d be all faded when they’re pinned to your jacket

    Jen: no, hamsters don’t enjoy being pinned to a jacket

    Sean: “Now Jen, don’t forget your hamster for show and tell.” *PINNED*

    Jen: it’s nicer to tie two hamsters to a long string and then feed them through the sleeves of your jacket

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 12:33 pm on June 24, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: alligators, , electrolytes, samus, tiffany   

    (Discussing Debbie Gibson and Tiffany starring in a new movie called “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”)

    Sean: the title is dangerously close to getting me excited about buying some electrolytes tho

    Jen: wouldn’t a gatoroid be a smaller version of a gator?
    like a meteoroid?

    Sean: good question

    Jen: or a metroid?

    Sean: it could also be a gator on steroids
    or a gator/android
    or a gator who drank too much gatorade

    Jen: i dunno about the steroids
    a gator who has to pee like, all the time
    “I had the flu last week and now I can’t stop peeing, chomp chomp”

    Sean: “It makes me so angry I could stomp on this stupid town. Also, I hope my human enemies don’t use this trail of pee to track me.”

    Jen: i find it interesting that you interpret gators as rodents in this scenario, peeing in trails all over the place

    Sean: everything pees, not just rodents. but yes, my closest gator association is the batman villain who lived in the sewers. so, close enough

    Jen: i know everything pees, but rodents pee all the time to mark their way around
    i mean, do YOU pee all the time so you can find your way back to your burrow?

    Sean: no, i have gps for that

    Jen: hahaha
    Global Peeing System

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 9:20 pm on May 16, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: cannibalism,   

    Sarah: Mmm, this is the best my fingers have ever tasted.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 7.0/10 (1 vote cast)
  • Jen 9:55 pm on April 9, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: acting, , ,   

    Jen: Hey, nobody’s talking about the Klan here. I just indicated that us white people had a meeting where we decided what kinds of actors we like.
    Torrell: That’s true, Mexicans do the same thing.
    Jen: La Raza!
    Torrell: No, we get our business done at quinceañeras.

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Jen 9:45 pm on April 9, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    Jen: What are you watching?
    Torrell: Marine 2.
    Jen: Who’s in it?
    Torrell: I don’t know. You might recognize him, though. He looks like the kind of action-type actor that white people would like.

    (After careful consideration of the main character.)
    Jen: Nope, sorry. I don’t recognize that guy. He must not have been at the last white peoples’ meeting.
    Torrell: You’re talking about the Klan, right?

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
  • Sean 11:39 am on April 1, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: anal brothel reading   

    (while looking at an April Fools day issue of a newspaper)

    Brian: Retirement home brothel. Ha. Christine, check out who wrote the article. {hands her the paper}
    Christine (reading): Anna Linjection? Who’s that?

    VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast)
Compose new post
Next post/Next comment
Previous post/Previous comment
Show/Hide comments
Go to top
Go to login
Show/Hide help
shift + esc