Dogs, War, Mass Murder

(standing in line for movie festival tickets)

Older Man: Ok if I bring my dogs to the movie?
Everyone: <laughs>
Older Man: I love dogs. Maybe I’ll bring a dozen.
Employee: I’m sure they’d enjoy it.
(20 seconds later)
Older Man: I had a chance, during high school, to kill people that ate dogs.
Everyone: …
Older Man: 2.4 million civilians. US Government sent us.
Everyone: …
Older Man: Vietnam. They still eat dogs today.
He shakes his head, seemingly disgusted.
Older Man: Delicious.

after a concert as the stage lights and…

{after a concert as the stage, lights and instruments are being broken down}

Dude (calling out to a roadie): Hey! Can I get his sticks?
Roadie (looking around): Sorry, none here.
Dude (thinking): Ok. Can I have his Powerade?
The roadie looks at the half empty bottle of blue Powerade near the drummer’s kit.
Roadie (shaking his head): That’s too weird.

{5 minutes later a less scrupulous roadie gave it to him.}

I Keep My Beard Tidy

(a college-aged woman stands outside a supermarket with a clipboard. random guy approaches)

Woman: Excuse me sir, do you have a minute to save our oceans from pollution?
Man (stopping): Save our oceans from what?
Woman: From ocean pollution.
The man stares at her blankly. He’s stuck.
Man: Yeah, I have no idea what that is.
Woman (mouth slightly open): Ok. Thanks for your time.

Dick Panini

Jen: i think we have plans to go look at cars
Sean: babymobiles?
Sean: dodge minivan complete with a BABY ON BOARD placard
Jen: eat ten dicks
Sean: that’s so many. i’m not even hungry
Jen:well you should have thought of that before you got all smarty on me
now you got ten dicks and they ain’t gonna eat themselves
which reminds me it’s time for me to go get a sandwich
Sean: haha dick sandwich
Jen: hey whatever helps you get the dicks down

Cuddle Hamster Monsters

(The rat pee talk continues)

Jen: seriously tho, rats do that. remember to wash your hands the next time you cuddle a hamster.

Sean: i will remember that, next time i cuddle a hamster. which will be never.
i hope

Jen: i used to cuddle our hamster. but i always washed my hands.

Sean: or wore mittens

Jen: no, because then you have to wash the mittens
sometimes it is just better to get the pee all over your hands.

Sean: you’re right, that’s a pain. and then they’d be all faded when they’re pinned to your jacket

Jen: no, hamsters don’t enjoy being pinned to a jacket

Sean: “Now Jen, don’t forget your hamster for show and tell.” *PINNED*

Jen: it’s nicer to tie two hamsters to a long string and then feed them through the sleeves of your jacket

Don’t Pee in the Gatoroid

(Discussing Debbie Gibson and Tiffany starring in a new movie called “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”)

Sean: the title is dangerously close to getting me excited about buying some electrolytes tho

Jen: wouldn’t a gatoroid be a smaller version of a gator?
like a meteoroid?

Sean: good question

Jen: or a metroid?

Sean: it could also be a gator on steroids
or a gator/android
or a gator who drank too much gatorade

Jen: i dunno about the steroids
a gator who has to pee like, all the time
“I had the flu last week and now I can’t stop peeing, chomp chomp”

Sean: “It makes me so angry I could stomp on this stupid town. Also, I hope my human enemies don’t use this trail of pee to track me.”

Jen: i find it interesting that you interpret gators as rodents in this scenario, peeing in trails all over the place

Sean: everything pees, not just rodents. but yes, my closest gator association is the batman villain who lived in the sewers. so, close enough

Jen: i know everything pees, but rodents pee all the time to mark their way around
i mean, do YOU pee all the time so you can find your way back to your burrow?

Sean: no, i have gps for that

Jen: hahaha
Global Peeing System

That’s Not Racial Transcendence, Pt. 1

Jen: What are you watching?
Torrell: Marine 2.
Jen: Who’s in it?
Torrell: I don’t know. You might recognize him, though. He looks like the kind of action-type actor that white people would like.

(After careful consideration of the main character.)
Jen: Nope, sorry. I don’t recognize that guy. He must not have been at the last white peoples’ meeting.
Torrell: You’re talking about the Klan, right?