(At the Santa Barbara Sunday art walk by the beach, a vaguely hispanic vendor who’s definitely not speaking Spanish sells palm tree seed necklaces for $25)
Middle-Aged White Guy: Veinte.
Vendor: What? No, it’s $25.
Middle-Aged White Guy: Veinte.
Vendor: *sigh* Ok, $20.
Middle-Aged White Guy: Gracias
*pause*
Middle-Aged White Guy: Vaya con dios.
(while driving through San Simeon, CA on Highway 1)
Sarah: What the fuck?!
Sean (surprised): What?
{Sarah points out the window. Sean looks.}
Sean: What the fuck?!
{In a field to the side of the freeway are half a dozen Zebras, calmly grazing. ZEBRAS}
(Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club)
Christine: Tyler, you’re really sweaty.
Tyler: Christine, you DON’T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much.
*shocked pause*
Tyler (gesturing): Hey Sean, come listen to what I just told Christine!
(Heard by people in the lobby while I was complaining about an upgrade)
Me: I don’t want to spend Friday night waiting for some dude to call!
(Jen is wearing a dress with a small busy pattern.)
Steve: Your dress is making me dizzy.
Jen: Sorry, I never realized, since I don’t have to look at it.
Steve: It’s like one of those posters with the hidden picture in it.
Jen: Ha ha, Magic Eye! Yeah, I’ve got a sailboat hidden over here on my shoulder.
Steve (making graphic hand gestures): Does it make, like, your boobs look bigger?
Jen: HELLO? Inappropriate!
Steve (musing): That would be GREAT.
Jen: Creepy.
Sean: It’s a small and creepy world.
Steve: I suspect that he misdiagnosed shyness as a hernia.
a man wearing a cowboy hat at a night club approaches Jen from behind. he stands inches away, dancing suggestively behind her
Christine: Jen, don’t turn around.
Jen turns around.
Jen (to the cowboy): Fuck off! You’re so very rude! Fuck off!
Cowboy stammers a bit, then leaves.
later
Cowyboy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.
Jen: Then stop being rude!
even later
Cowboy (holding unlit cigarette): Hey, do you guys have a light?
Jen, Christine, Sean: No!
Christine: So I was watching Kill Bill on TBS the other day, and they kept bleeping it when people said Uma Thurman’s character’s name. What was it?
Brian: Cunty McDickerson.
Christine: Oh. That is pretty bad. Makes sense they had to censor it.
Jen: the most deadly of octopus is as but a mewling baby in a death match with chuck norris when compared to the most mild-mannered of the vile squid.
(while discussing sexual “oops” moments at the local pub)
Brian: ‘Oops’ is a myth even in my most drunken moments. There’s no oops. That would be like a girl saying “Oops, I went down on you with my nostril!” True story, a girl did actually go down on me once with her nostril…
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