Steve: I wore pajamas last night. I have Peanuts all over my bottom.
Yearly Archives: 2005
Clerking
opening presents Dad: It plays DVDs and CDs. Tessa (reading box): It does 400…..dicks. Uh, I mean discs! Steve, Anna & Max (at once): In a row?!
Everyone is Puerto Rican
Mom: What’s the name of that movie…”Silent Runnings”? You know, that one with the Puerto Rican luge team. Jen: You mean the Jamaican bobsled team? Mom: No, it was a Puerto Rican luge. “Silent Runnings,” right? Steve: Cool Runnings. With the Jamaican bobsled team. Mom: Right, Cool Runnings.
Star Trek Nerds
While playing movie game: Sean: You’re on Brent Spiner Max: wait wait what?! Sean: You’re doing Data Bitch!!
Wiggle It
this man is sick, I don’t know him… alex: “you put your right toe bin, you put your right toe bout, you put your right toe bin, and you gently massage the anal cavity. you do the tobin toe-bin and you wiggle it about and hope that no poop comes out!” but damn, he’s funny
Temptation
[the out of context battle continues] jen: i snuck out of my bed last night and had some. jen: i was laying there thinking about how it was in the next room, so i finally gave up and got some, and then i wanted more. jen: wait, that sounded dirty.
Bourbon Tears
lopaka: Drinking makes me feel good. I should drink more often. (everyone laughs) sean: That’s why I drink every night. (everyone laughs) sean: No, really. (everyone stares at sean)
The Ron Silver Rule
[online debate. subject: Time Travel.] Jen: if watching Back to the Future taught me anything, it’s that your past and future selves cannot meet, or else you destroy the universe. Sean: i dunno. if i take Timecop as gospel (and why wouldn’t i?!), then they couldn’t fight because they’d cancel each other out and cease …
Context is King
[online conversation] Sean: if i have to listen to a sleeping man snoring while almost swallowing his own tongue, they can deal with a little rack action. Jen: i’m taking that out of context. Sean: i’m a lot filthier out of context.
Totally Innocent
[online conversation] Sean: i’d have a stupid smirk on my face the entire time. and there’s no way i’d be able to do it with either of you there. one bit of eye contact and i’d explode with laughter. Jen: i’m taking that out of context.
Cock Clock
sean: if it can’t tell time AND make your penis bigger, then what use is it?!!
Babies R Delicious
madeline: nerd sean: geek madeline: pedophile sean: baby cannibal madeline: puppy shishkababer sean: raccoon fornicator madeline: atheist sean: mormon madeline: my computer got unplugged. mike did it…christian fundamentalist. sean: always blaming others…..republican madeline: i put blame where blame is due… anti-abortion doctor-killer. sean: a likely story….televangelist madeline: bake me cookies… apartheid supporter. sean: bake your …
So Much Dork
referring to something dorky sean: i haven’t seen dork like that since junior high gym class!
And Maybe Cottage Cheese
sean: two things I hate – Hitler and yogurt!
Better than Tobasco
Steve: I’m drowning in worcestershire sauce! Jen: Delicious death. Steve: Delicious like a foxburger!
Modern Medical Science
(while discussing medical form letters letting you know if A) [ ] you’re going to die from a horrible disease or B) [ ] it’s not a tumor) alex: that’s be great if the ‘x’ that marks the box was kind of in two boxes and you weren’t sure what the diagnosis was. sean: “damnit. …
High School Teachers Tho…
(overheard outside a restaurant) Man: Nah, it won’t work out. Preschool teachers never give you a happy ending.
Safe Smoking
(overheard while eating lunch) Guy 1: I mean, you can stick a lit cigarette up your ass and nothing will happen. Guy 2: Well, you might get burned. Guy 1: Sure, but the filter should help with that.
Lotta Guppies Too
Spoken part of Cyprus Hill song: “Lotta sharks out there, lookin’ to get ahead…” Dawn: Hmmm…sharks. That’s a metaphor.
C+++++
Coworker 1: Chicks dig C++. Coworker 2: Not C, though. 1: Not C? 2: No way, man. C’s just…*shrugs*. But C++ is like, ninja shit.
No Software Either
Randall: Ok, another homeless person with a laptop? He isn’t getting my change.
Who Needs Warm
(turning a corner in the car, a few women cross the street in front of us) Brad: Moooooooo!!! Josh: Awww. Hey now. Brad: Don’t worry Josh, she’ll still be warm for another 45 minutes after you hit her with the car.
Backside Pleasures
Billy:It’s 3:30 the backside is closed by now. Wes:The backside is always open for business!
Chuck is Gonna be Mad
* watching exercise equipment infomercial with CHUCK NORRIS and CHRISTY BRINKLEY * Christy Brinkley: It’s been a tough day of working out, Chuck! Chuck Norris: It sure has been! Sean: Hahahaha… “has beens.”