(a group of 11-13 year olds block half the bike path while standing on their scooters) Sarah (biking by): You’re blocking the path. 13 year old kid: Shut up! (Sarah glares back at them) Sarah: No you shut up!
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Dogs, War, Mass Murder
(standing in line for movie festival tickets) Older Man: Ok if I bring my dogs to the movie? Everyone: <laughs> Older Man: I love dogs. Maybe I’ll bring a dozen. Employee: I’m sure they’d enjoy it. (20 seconds later) Older Man: I had a chance, during high school, to kill people that ate dogs. Everyone: …
Alex My appreciation of Hugh Jackman came to…
Alex: My appreciation of Hugh Jackman came to completion in that…wait. No, not that way…
after a concert as the stage lights and…
{after a concert as the stage, lights and instruments are being broken down} Dude (calling out to a roadie): Hey! Can I get his sticks? Roadie (looking around): Sorry, none here. Dude (thinking): Ok. Can I have his Powerade? The roadie looks at the half empty bottle of blue Powerade near the drummer’s kit. Roadie …
Sarah Oh my god It just shit a…
Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!
What COULDN’T he do with one?
{a woman talking VERY loudly during a phone conversation} Woman: He spent a lot of money on that boat. He deserves to ride it! [pause] Woman: What the hell is he gonna do with a gerbil?
Fashion Police
(after some jokes involving knives & hobos in which it is insinuated that Sean is stabby) Dave: Better be careful with the way you dress Sarah. Sean might mistake you for a hobo. (awkward murdering silence as everyone examines Sarah’s attire)
I Keep My Beard Tidy
(a college-aged woman stands outside a supermarket with a clipboard. random guy approaches) Woman: Excuse me sir, do you have a minute to save our oceans from pollution? Man (stopping): Save our oceans from what? Woman: From ocean pollution. The man stares at her blankly. He’s stuck. Man: Yeah, I have no idea what that …
It was the Texture
Sarah: Why did we come into the mall? Sean: Because we hate people? Steve: Hating people burns a lot of calories. Look at Hitler, he wasn’t overweight. Sean: Wasn’t he a vegetarian though? Steve: That may have had something to do with it. Sean: I wonder why he didn’t eat meat. It certainly wasn’t for …
Barely Worse than the Flu
Satya: He told me it was a really mild case of Ebola. (later) Satya: After he left I sprayed the whole place down with Lysol.
Especially for the Slug
Sarah: Nothing takes the romance out of a moment like stepping on a slug. (runs off into the bathroom to wipe off her foot)
The Circle of Hipster Life
(two hipster skater guys at breakfast) Guy:Would you like to see the Lion King 3D with me tonight? I’ll hold your hand.
For the Science Fair
(guy standing in the street, talking on his phone) Guy: What is it? Um, well, it’s a beer pong tournament. You know, for school.
Assorted Chicken Parts
(employee trying to upsell additional items at a chinese restaurant) Employee: Would you like our bbq chicken? Beth: Is it white meat or dark meat? Employee: It’s teriyaki!
Dick Panini
Jen: i think we have plans to go look at cars Sean: babymobiles? Jen: REGULAR CARS Sean: dodge minivan complete with a BABY ON BOARD placard Jen: eat ten dicks Sean: that’s so many. i’m not even hungry Jen:well you should have thought of that before you got all smarty on me now you got …
For Water or Milk
(While driving down the road, past a woman carrying 2 large empty water bottles) Sarah (screaming out the window): Nice jugs!
Beg for More
Jen: you just need to do one impulsively ill advised thing, and see what it tastes like. (hopefully it won’t taste like hobo cock.)
With Teeth
(passing by a college student on her phone) Woman: No no. I was surrounded by a bunch of pretentious cunts.
Well That’s OK Then
Bicycle Cop: So, what are you on parole for? Heavily Tattooed Guy: Um…assault with a deadly weapon. Cop: Was it a gun? Guy: What? Cop: The assault, did you use a gun? Guy: Oh no, it was a bottle. Cop (visibly relaxing): Oh, ok then.
Peel Em Early
Billy: I like em really young and raw. So they don’t taste like bananas.
Porn Cookies
Devin (impatient): Yes Katie Morgan is hot. Now let’s get some fucking cookies.
Small Openings
(as hundreds of bikeriders participating in the annual Fiesta Cruiser Ride try to pass over a narrow bridge, causing everyone to slow down and walk their bikes) Guy in underpants and bright red boots: Hey, I like it tight, but this is ridiculous!
Multiple Choice
(students chatting about classes and tests) Excitable Student: Oh man, I love multiple choice. I always pass those. Scantrons and all that. Multiple choice is my shit!
Cuddle Hamster Monsters
(The rat pee talk continues) Jen: seriously tho, rats do that. remember to wash your hands the next time you cuddle a hamster. Sean: i will remember that, next time i cuddle a hamster. which will be never. i hope Jen: i used to cuddle our hamster. but i always washed my hands. Sean: or …
Don’t Pee in the Gatoroid
(Discussing Debbie Gibson and Tiffany starring in a new movie called “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”) Sean: the title is dangerously close to getting me excited about buying some electrolytes tho Jen: wouldn’t a gatoroid be a smaller version of a gator? like a meteoroid? Sean: good question Jen: or a metroid? Sean: it could also …
Only the Rich Wash Regularly
(a college couple observes a bunch of male students playing soccer in the mud) Boyfriend: Eww. Girlfriend: They’re probably rich kids. They can afford to do laundry. Boyfriend: Oh.
Tornadic
Sean: someone on the news just said “tornadic activity” Jen: i think that’s something that happens when your gall bladder produces too much bile Sean: that’s…horrific Jen: or else it’s where a dog’s stomach gets twisted and the vet has to go unwind it and when the vet is in there he finds out the …
Bloobies Forever
(while talking on the phone) Sarah: So you want me to pick you up some blueberry oatmeal? Sean: What? Did you say bloobies? Sarah: No. What are bloobies? Sean: Sounds like a combination of blueberry and boobies. Sarah: Ugh. Sean: Smurf tits! Sarah: You’re disgusting.
Frumpy Sexy Sorceror
Jen: there is an ad on a webpage that says “Shop Now! Adult Costumes”, but the lady in the picture is fully clothed and dressed as just a slightly bosomy Queen of Hearts so i am confused. is this an online store for grown-up sized costumes, or a store where i can buy costumes to …
Alien 0: Rise of the Riser
(discussing the possibility of an Alien prequel) Jen: prequel? who could possibly be interested in that crap Jen: Alien 0: Gassing Up the Nostromo Alien 0: Some Random Aliens Crashed into a Planet Sean: Alien 0: Man, Tom Skerritt looks old Alien 0: Ripley Picks out a Cat at the Intergalactic Humane Society Jen: Alien …