Updates from February, 2020 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Sean 9:45 pm on February 13, 2020 Permalink | Reply  

    Alex: My appreciation of Hugh Jackman came to completion in that…wait. No, not that way…

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  • Sean 9:42 am on April 8, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: concert   

    {after a concert as the stage, lights and instruments are being broken down}

    Dude (calling out to a roadie): Hey! Can I get his sticks?
    Roadie (looking around): Sorry, none here.
    Dude (thinking): Ok. Can I have his Powerade?
    The roadie looks at the half empty bottle of blue Powerade near the drummer’s kit.
    Roadie (shaking his head): That’s too weird.

    {5 minutes later a less scrupulous roadie gave it to him.}

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  • Sean 3:55 pm on August 12, 2014 Permalink | Reply  

    Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!

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  • Sean 8:49 pm on January 2, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , cruelty   

    {a woman talking VERY loudly during a phone conversation}

    Woman: He spent a lot of money on that boat. He deserves to ride it!
    Woman: What the hell is he gonna do with a gerbil?

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  • Sean 10:40 pm on November 18, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Danger   

    (after some jokes involving knives & hobos in which it is insinuated that Sean is stabby)

    Dave: Better be careful with the way you dress Sarah. Sean might mistake you for a hobo.

    (awkward murdering silence as everyone examines Sarah’s attire)

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  • Sean 9:14 pm on June 15, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: clipboards, easy way out   

    (a college-aged woman stands outside a supermarket with a clipboard. random guy approaches)

    Woman: Excuse me sir, do you have a minute to save our oceans from pollution?
    Man (stopping): Save our oceans from what?
    Woman: From ocean pollution.
    The man stares at her blankly. He’s stuck.
    Man: Yeah, I have no idea what that is.
    Woman (mouth slightly open): Ok. Thanks for your time.

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  • Sean 3:00 pm on December 26, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Diet, people, revisionist history, WWII   

    Sarah: Why did we come into the mall?

    Sean: Because we hate people?

    Steve: Hating people burns a lot of calories. Look at Hitler, he wasn’t overweight.

    Sean: Wasn’t he a vegetarian though?

    Steve: That may have had something to do with it.

    Sean: I wonder why he didn’t eat meat. It certainly wasn’t for moral reasons.

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  • Sean 12:06 am on December 16, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: contagious, Disease, lies   

    Satya: He told me it was a really mild case of Ebola.


    Satya: After he left I sprayed the whole place down with Lysol.

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  • Sean 8:07 pm on November 17, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: buzzkill,   

    Sarah: Nothing takes the romance out of a moment like stepping on a slug.

    (runs off into the bathroom to wipe off her foot)

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  • Sean 11:14 am on October 23, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , hipster, Tenderness   

    (two hipster skater guys at breakfast)

    Guy:Would you like to see the Lion King 3D with me tonight? I’ll hold your hand.

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  • Sean 2:15 pm on October 9, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , for the kids   

    (guy standing in the street, talking on his phone)

    Guy: What is it? Um, well, it’s a beer pong tournament. You know, for school.

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  • Sean 1:46 pm on July 21, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , guts,   

    (employee trying to upsell additional items at a chinese restaurant)

    Employee: Would you like our bbq chicken?
    Beth: Is it white meat or dark meat?
    Employee: It’s teriyaki!

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  • Sean 12:49 pm on June 3, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , sandwich   

    Jen: i think we have plans to go look at cars
    Sean: babymobiles?
    Sean: dodge minivan complete with a BABY ON BOARD placard
    Jen: eat ten dicks
    Sean: that’s so many. i’m not even hungry
    Jen:well you should have thought of that before you got all smarty on me
    now you got ten dicks and they ain’t gonna eat themselves
    which reminds me it’s time for me to go get a sandwich
    Sean: haha dick sandwich
    Jen: hey whatever helps you get the dicks down

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  • Sean 9:08 pm on April 24, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Breasts,   

    (While driving down the road, past a woman carrying 2 large empty water bottles)

    Sarah (screaming out the window): Nice jugs!

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  • Sean 1:13 pm on April 5, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , life   

    Jen: you just need to do one impulsively ill advised thing, and see what it tastes like.
    (hopefully it won’t taste like hobo cock.)

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  • Sean 2:26 pm on March 29, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    (passing by a college student on her phone)

    Woman: No no. I was surrounded by a bunch of pretentious cunts.

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  • Sean 8:20 am on October 23, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , criminals, we prefer knives   

    Bicycle Cop: So, what are you on parole for?
    Heavily Tattooed Guy: Um…assault with a deadly weapon.
    Cop: Was it a gun?
    Guy: What?
    Cop: The assault, did you use a gun?
    Guy: Oh no, it was a bottle.
    Cop (visibly relaxing): Oh, ok then.

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  • Sean 2:34 pm on August 29, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: fruit,   

    Billy: I like em really young and raw.
    So they don’t taste like bananas.

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  • Sean 12:28 am on August 28, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    Devin (impatient): Yes Katie Morgan is hot. Now let’s get some fucking cookies.

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  • Sean 1:48 pm on August 9, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bicycles, chokepoint, fiesta, sex joke,   

    (as hundreds of bikeriders participating in the annual Fiesta Cruiser Ride try to pass over a narrow bridge, causing everyone to slow down and walk their bikes)

    Guy in underpants and bright red boots: Hey, I like it tight, but this is ridiculous!

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  • Sean 8:11 am on July 30, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , tests   

    (students chatting about classes and tests)

    Excitable Student: Oh man, I love multiple choice. I always pass those. Scantrons and all that. Multiple choice is my shit!

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  • Sean 12:36 pm on June 24, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: preschool, rodents, urine   

    (The rat pee talk continues)

    Jen: seriously tho, rats do that. remember to wash your hands the next time you cuddle a hamster.

    Sean: i will remember that, next time i cuddle a hamster. which will be never.
    i hope

    Jen: i used to cuddle our hamster. but i always washed my hands.

    Sean: or wore mittens

    Jen: no, because then you have to wash the mittens
    sometimes it is just better to get the pee all over your hands.

    Sean: you’re right, that’s a pain. and then they’d be all faded when they’re pinned to your jacket

    Jen: no, hamsters don’t enjoy being pinned to a jacket

    Sean: “Now Jen, don’t forget your hamster for show and tell.” *PINNED*

    Jen: it’s nicer to tie two hamsters to a long string and then feed them through the sleeves of your jacket

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  • Sean 12:33 pm on June 24, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: alligators, , electrolytes, samus, tiffany   

    (Discussing Debbie Gibson and Tiffany starring in a new movie called “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”)

    Sean: the title is dangerously close to getting me excited about buying some electrolytes tho

    Jen: wouldn’t a gatoroid be a smaller version of a gator?
    like a meteoroid?

    Sean: good question

    Jen: or a metroid?

    Sean: it could also be a gator on steroids
    or a gator/android
    or a gator who drank too much gatorade

    Jen: i dunno about the steroids
    a gator who has to pee like, all the time
    “I had the flu last week and now I can’t stop peeing, chomp chomp”

    Sean: “It makes me so angry I could stomp on this stupid town. Also, I hope my human enemies don’t use this trail of pee to track me.”

    Jen: i find it interesting that you interpret gators as rodents in this scenario, peeing in trails all over the place

    Sean: everything pees, not just rodents. but yes, my closest gator association is the batman villain who lived in the sewers. so, close enough

    Jen: i know everything pees, but rodents pee all the time to mark their way around
    i mean, do YOU pee all the time so you can find your way back to your burrow?

    Sean: no, i have gps for that

    Jen: hahaha
    Global Peeing System

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  • Sean 1:09 pm on January 22, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    (a college couple observes a bunch of male students playing soccer in the mud)

    Boyfriend: Eww.
    Girlfriend: They’re probably rich kids. They can afford to do laundry.
    Boyfriend: Oh.

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  • Sean 3:19 pm on January 20, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , tornadic,   

    Sean: someone on the news just said “tornadic activity”
    Jen: i think that’s something that happens when your gall bladder produces too much bile
    Sean: that’s…horrific
    Jen: or else it’s where a dog’s stomach gets twisted and the vet has to go unwind it
    and when the vet is in there he finds out the dog has also been eating pennies
    that is called a Penny Tornado

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  • Sean 1:46 pm on November 12, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , smurfs   

    (while talking on the phone)

    Sarah: So you want me to pick you up some blueberry oatmeal?
    Sean: What? Did you say bloobies?
    Sarah: No. What are bloobies?
    Sean: Sounds like a combination of blueberry and boobies.
    Sarah: Ugh.
    Sean: Smurf tits!
    Sarah: You’re disgusting.

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  • Sean 4:15 pm on October 16, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: adult material, costumes   

    Jen: there is an ad on a webpage that says “Shop Now! Adult Costumes”, but the lady in the picture is fully clothed and dressed as just a slightly bosomy Queen of Hearts
    so i am confused. is this an online store for grown-up sized costumes, or a store where i can buy costumes to make me look like a slut?

    Sean: grown up costumes for people that want to go out for halloween, but not be slutty.
    also available – non-sexy librarian

    Jen: nobody likes stores like that

    Sean: frumpy teacher

    Jen: Professional Nurse

    Sean: ha. she’s good at her job, she doesn’t need to be a whore

    Jen: Inhumanoid Alien

    Sean: Grouchy Policewoman

    Jen: Policewoman with Practical Boots

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  • Sean 4:18 pm on September 10, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , titles   

    (discussing the possibility of an Alien prequel)

    Jen: prequel? who could possibly be interested in that crap
    Jen: Alien 0: Gassing Up the Nostromo
    Alien 0: Some Random Aliens Crashed into a Planet

    Sean: Alien 0: Man, Tom Skerritt looks old
    Alien 0: Ripley Picks out a Cat at the Intergalactic Humane Society

    Jen: Alien 0: Suspicious New Doctor
    Alien 0: Ripley Plans a Birthday Party for Next Year

    Sean: we’ll see her opening up a storage bag with some of those trick birthday candles in it.
    but the joke will be on her.
    since, ya know, it’s like 80 years later.

    Jen: it was her daughter’s birthday
    “wah wah wah, i promised her i’d be home for her 10th birthday! wah wah wah, daughter is dead.”

    Sean: that’ll teach her to procreate and then get attacked by an unscrupulous robot doctor controlled by a mega-corporation hellbent on studying an interesting but deadly new creature

    Jen: Step 3: ???
    Step 4: Profit!
    seriously that step 3 was always the problem for me with the aliens.
    Step 1: Aliens.
    Step 2: Paul Reiser.

    Sean: Step 3 involved leaving the room and snorting a lot of coke

    Jen: that’s some good screenwriting.

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  • Sean 2:24 pm on July 14, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , shit   

    (while at a fancy dinner)

    Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!

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  • Sean 3:10 pm on June 12, 2009 Permalink | Reply

    (while discussing the FDA’s new power over cigarettes)

    Sean: They should separate the Drugs from the FDA. They should just do food.
    Brian: Right, so what does the FDA even regulate now?
    Sean: Things you put in your mouth?
    Brian: Bah. They should be the Food and Dick Administration.
    Sean: Uhh…
    Brian: Wait, not that I put those in my mouth!

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