Updates from December, 2006 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Sean 1:24 pm on December 7, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: theft,   

    {when asked what she was doing wandering the halls}

    Ellie: they were all on the phone. and i was bored. so i stole a giraffe.

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  • Sean 11:45 am on December 7, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: band names, emo   

    {while discussing a concert put on by a local radio station}

    Jen: “coming up next, another reminder why you’re not going to buy a ticket to Winter Roundup! our new emo band, Peanut Butter Agonizing!”
    Sean: “but first, another track from ‘I Cut Myself’. here’s their latest, I Cry Behind My Thick Glasses.”
    Jen: “after that, the new song She Won’t Text Me Back (So I’ll Just Keep Calling) by ‘Leaf Litter Rising'”
    Sean: “opening for our winter roundup will be the up and coming ‘Musica Obscurica’. you may have heard their hit single Life is Hollow and Bleak (And I’m the Only One that Knows).”

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  • Sean 10:40 pm on November 24, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , poker   

    (While playing Texas Hold-em poker)

    {Max turns over a 4 on the flop}
    Steve Y.: Damnit! That’s the meat in my pancakes.
    Everyone: You eat meat in your pancakes?

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  • Sean 9:43 pm on September 24, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bathhouse, rimjobs   

    ruth: doesn’t a bathhouse just scream rimjobs?

    madeline: you gotta think if you scream “rimjob” at a bathhouse, you’ve a good chance of getting one.

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  • Sean 2:13 pm on September 13, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: blood, exsanguination, scifi   

    (sexy sci-fi what-ifs)

    sean: i need my ladies to be at least 50% pure human lady
    jen: well, you’re picky.
    jen: bisexual mosquito ladies need love too
    sean: her one quarter mosquito instincts might decide to exsanguinate me in bed. i can’t take that risk.
    jen: um….heh. are you sure?
    sean: ladysquitos and vampires are risky. the sex would have to be really good.
    jen: exsanguination.
    jen: in bed.
    sean: all that blood loss, i’d have to buy new sheets
    jen: SEXSANGUINATION! i can’t believe i have to spell this out for you.

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  • Sean 4:43 pm on June 29, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: cousin, hicks   

    (hick battle)

    Jen: they are making sweet love to their cousins down there, boy.
    Sean: they wouldn’t dare!
    Jen: they bring them flowers and candies and hope they get to cousin third base
    Sean: they’re a blue drop in a sea of red. they’ve got to set examples
    Jen: which they always do, cause those cousins are loose
    Sean: referring to it as “cousin third base” is probably enough to do it. they’d laugh so hard they’d never notice being disrobed.

    not that that ever happens, of course

    Jen: “hahahaha…wait, my vagina”

    “cousin jethro, are you up to no good agin?”

    also, little known fact: cousin third base is actually equivalent to regular person home run, except with your cousin. cousin home run is when you have a baby with your cousin.

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  • Sean 3:58 pm on May 30, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: hubris, LOTR, spam,   

    sean: the new trend seems to be viagra emails with random text from LOTR inserted at the end
    jen: so eventually you’ll have the whole book
    sean: “there are a lot more amazed vaginas in this story than i remember from the movie.”
    jen: “Quaking in fear, Frodo beheld the horrible spider. From behind him he heard Sam’s faintly whimper: “Is your vagina as amazed as mine?””
    sean: now that’s literature.
    sean: “The Balrog fell from the bridge, tumbling into the fiery depths of the center of the earth. If only he could have lasted longer with his woman, he might have survived.”
    jen: “Gandalf leaned triumphantly over the edge. “Now THAT’S how you amaze a vagina!” he said with proud satisfaction. Suddenly, the ground beneath his feet began to crumble, and then he too fell into the void. “No!” cried Frodo, while Gimli hung his head in his huge hands. “Truly, Gandalf’s vagina hubris was his undoing.”
    sean: best girl rock band name of the day “Vagina Hubris”
    jen: i rewrote the plot of that bit a little
    sean: i barely noticed. the vagina was interwoven with the regular story quite well
    jen: i work with a public action group whose mission is to insert more vagina into literature.
    sean: i am intrigued by your organization and would like to subscribe to your newsletter
    jen: it’s tricky, but we’re making inroads. you should see what we’ve done with children’s literature – The Berenstain Bears’ First Haircut was particulary successful.

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  • Sean 12:58 pm on May 19, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , queries,   

    (it continues)

    sean: i found “fucking women”
    jen: wow. so how many of those do you get?
    sean: 17 this month alone
    jen: i think you and i need to have a talk.
    jen: about all these fucking women.
    sean: man, i wish i had a women fucking problem
    jen: i don’t know how to tell you, but when all you’re doing is constantly fucking, women will never get a chance to know the real you.
    sean: that’s a chance i’m willing to take. for awhile at least.
    jen: gah, you broke form! all your sentences must contain the phrase “fucking women” in order for this to bump you up!
    jen: the goal is to make you #1 in fucking women.
    sean: damn! fucking women confused me
    sean: i didn’t know that fucking women were so elusive that one had to google for them
    jen: maybe they’re looking for fucking women techniques
    jen: maybe they live in utah, and you can’t find a fucking woman anywhere. only nonfucking women.
    sean: a damn shame. but i’m not sure a search engine ever helped any with fucking women. especially fucking religious women.
    jen: i can’t stand those fucking women.
    jen: with their vaginas and saving them for jesus.
    sean: jesus isn’t going to do anything with those vaginas! what a fucking waste. women. bah.
    jen: poor jesus.
    sean: he should really clue those women in. there’s a guy on google who could use that vagina.

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  • Sean 12:57 pm on May 19, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , john candy,   

    (search queries)

    sean: ah, here’s one of yours: cool runnings plot point
    jen: wait, they were searching for ANY plot point?
    sean: yup. and THREE people searched for that so far this month
    jen: fucking awesome! you don’t know what # you were, by any chance?
    sean: shows up as #2 on mine
    sean: only being beaten by the fucking IMDB ENTRY
    jen: clearly there isn’t enough discourse going on regarding the plot of Cool Runnings.
    sean: you have the Jamaican power jen!
    jen: i do! i totally do!
    jen: did you know that in lieu of pay, John Candy actually worked for scotch?
    jen: so those scenes where he looked hung over, he was actually hung over. he worked Method.
    sean: i would say that sounds like an excellent plan, but he also died on the set of a film
    jen: well, sometimes you sacrifice all for your craft.

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  • Sean 2:20 pm on May 18, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: abortion, ,   

    jen: I wonder if there’s any way we can ensure that we stay on top of the Ron Silver Abortion game.
    jen: which would be an awesome, yet deeply disturbing, home game.
    jen: the object of the game is to not roll Ron Silver.
    sean: the packaging would be….outstanding
    sean: “i rolled an abortion! i get to move past time cop and go directly to the west wing!”
    jen: but if you roll snakeeyes, watch out! detour into schlocky B vampire movie!
    sean: “crap, mistaken for dennis miller. go back 3 spaces!”
    jen: this is one of those times when i wish i knew more about ron silver.
    jen: of course, at all other times i’m glad i don’t. yet…
    sean: i’ve pretty much exhausted my knowledge of him. we’d have to make up the rest to fill out the abortion game.
    jen: personally i can’t get over the idea of rolling a Ron Silver, then having him roar into your living room to perform an abortion
    jen: although that would probably only happen in the commercial. at the end they’d have to put a disclaimer: “Ron Silver does not actually roar into your living room to perform an abortion.”
    jen: also in this scenario, for some reason i’m thinking of Al Pacino instead of Ron Silver.
    sean: hooooha!
    sean: now that’s an overly enthusiastic abortion
    jen: I was very excited to learn I wasn’t going to get an abortion from Ron Silver.

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  • Sean 10:49 pm on April 23, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: spanking   

    Ryan: If it involves paddles, I’m in.

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  • Sean 4:07 pm on April 11, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: drinks, margaritas   

    jen: there are no bad batches of margaritas. only batches of margaritas that haven’t been tamed yet!

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  • Jen 1:40 pm on April 11, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    Jen: I am the You of this campus right now.
    Sean: An enviable position to be sure.
    Jen: It’s okay, but I can’t get used to all this bending over.
    Sean: You get used to it eventually. I mean…hey!

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  • Sean 5:04 pm on March 13, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , easter,   

    sean: i’m eating easter candy. does that make me a bad jew?
    jen: you can’t eat the candy if you’ve killed our Lord.
    jen: unless, while he was being crucified, he was stuck with a spear and candy fell out
    sean: oooh. our lord the piƱata. the holy grail was actually a candy bowl!
    jen: i can’t decide if that was the most sacreligious thing i’ve ever thought. it certainly felt like it.
    sean: it’s pretty hilariously sacrilegious. i think the flames of hell are lapping at your heals a little bit more after that one
    jen: now i’m picturing mary magdalene wailing on the ground, gathering up hard candy in her headscarf.
    sean: she loved caramel almost as much as she loved that rascal jesus. in a platonic sort of way, of course.
    jen: who even knows with jesus. they probably played sex games where he covered her in Magic Shell then commanded her to RISE FROM THE DEAD! ”
    sean: deliciously naughty. they just etched your name into your seat in hell
    jen: this being, of course, where the tradition of hollow easter chocolate comes from.
    sean: ah. i wish they would have kept it the naked lady instead of the bunny
    jen: it’s a metaphor.
    sean: screw the metaphor, i want lady chocolate!
    jen: you’d screw that too.
    sean: it’d fall apart. and that just wouldn’t do.
    sean: jesus was all about the loose women and empty calories.

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  • Sean 11:07 pm on March 12, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: molestation, myspace   

    (while walking to the liquor store before Jason’s band plays nearby)

    Sean: I’m glad I found out about this. Ha, MySpace, bringing people together.
    Jason: Yeah, it’s not the usual: Bringing together child molesters and 12 year old girls.
    Woman walks out of the store, giving Jason a disgusted look.
    Jason (apologetic): Um, no I didn’t mean… It’s…it’s a myspace joke.
    Sean: Worst time to walk in on THAT conversation I guess.

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  • Jen 4:43 pm on March 2, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: clowns, moving   

    (discussing sean’s living arrangements)

    sean: [name redacted] would only be back for a month. she suggested rooming up for the weekdays and she’d go with her parents on the weekends. and then, next time she came back, at least one person in the main house would have moved out and she’d go in there… wow, can’t believe i got that out between the clown sex and rimming.

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  • Sean 3:07 pm on March 1, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: b actors, ,   

    sean: hahahahaha. thanks to our little time travel conversation, the 11th google result for “abortion, ron silver” is the quotes page
    jen: “abortion, ron silver”? why would anybody be searching for that?
    sean: someone must be curious about ron silver’s abortion stance. next query “child labor, steven segal”
    jen: “equal housing rights, lou diamond phillips”
    sean: “unemployment benefits, ralph macchio”
    jen: “literacy pledge drives, kathy ireland”
    sean: “homeless shelters, lance henriksen”
    jen: “wastewater management practices, antonio sabato jr.”
    sean: “teen pregnancy, dean cain”
    jen: “affordable health care, kristanna loken”
    sean: “international silver trading, robert patrick”
    jen: “international microchip exporting, alexandra paul”
    sean: “anti-fur campaigning, rutger hauer”
    jen: “german reunification, michael shanks”
    sean: “religious tolerance, treat williams”
    jen: but isn’t treat williams already on that wb show where everyone practices christian values?
    sean: damnit! you’re right. Holier Than Thou, Alaska, i think it’s called
    jen: wasn’t it “Rocking Chair Hill, Wisconsin”?
    sean: i’m pretty sure it’s “Oral Isn’t Sex, Wyoming”
    jen: “It’s Not Gay If You’re Receiving, Tennessee”
    sean: hahaha. now that’s a place to raise a family
    jen: oh, you card. you know there’s no raising families in a town like that!

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  • Lopaka 12:02 am on February 28, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: mel brooks   

    overheard in CompUSA:
    “What!?! You’ve never seen that movie! It’s just the greatest movie EVER MADE…next to Space Balls.”

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  • Sean 11:27 pm on February 27, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , ,   

    (overheard on campus)

    Woman 1: It was the cat’s meow!
    Woman 2: I thought it was the cat’s pajamas.
    Woman 1: The cat’s vagina?
    Woman 2: Yeah, that’s totally it.

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  • Sean 9:54 am on January 27, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , sequels   

    (while perusing an upcoming movie sequel site)

    jen: “Charlie’s Angels 3 is going to be a lot more like the TV series. And I am absolutely thrilled that my good friend John Travolta is going to have a cameo role!”
    jen: that screaming sound you hear is my brains exiting my skull at high velocity.
    jen: “Die Hard 4.0: John McClane is retired from the police force in this fourth installment, with computers will figure largely in the story line.”
    jen: a futuristic computing device, you say!
    sean: “The Brazilian Job” {sequel to The Italian Job}
    sean: Marky Mark takes on his most devious enemy yet…the bikini line!
    jen: Indiana Jones 4: The Adventure of Making This Movie Before the Principal Cast DIES
    jen: “Update of the 1979 vampire film Love at First Bite about Dracula who moves to New York to find a bride. “Second Bite” takes place 25 years later, centering on Dracula’s Americanized son, who has rejected his family’s heritage and is getting married to a human. Trouble ensues when he learns that his vampire relatives are coming to America for the wedding”
    jen: It’s a comedy of errors!
    sean: holy shit, i thought you were kidding. that’s…that’s not right
    jen: spiderman 3: with topher grace as the new villain, “Dr. Daintyfop”!
    sean: Straight Out of Compton 2
    Cast: Blair Underwood, Blair Underwood, Blair Underwood
    sean: that’s a lot of underwood
    sean: Usual Suspects 2: Searching For Keyser Soze & His Bags of Sequel Money

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  • Sean 2:02 pm on January 17, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: interview,   

    topic: computer job interview questions

    Jen: “Uh huh, it says here that you used to intern at Bell Labs. Tell me, what do you think about head?”
    “Personally, I love it. Think about it all the time. Right now, in fact. So, you have two years of database experience?”

    and later

    “How do you handle large amounts of data? Really? I like to use these.”
    At this point, reach into your desk and pull out two giant oven mitts.

    and even later

    “Do you like my hat?”

    “You’re not wearing a hat.”

    “I’m sorry, but you need to be a team player to fit in around here.”

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  • Jen 10:22 am on January 5, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , prostitutes,   

    Sean: I was very excited to learn that I didn’t get crabs from that prostitute.

    Jen: I’m taking that out of context.

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  • Sean 3:19 pm on January 2, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: breeding   

    Mika: So I told them Sean had questionable breeding.
    Sean: Oh. Wait, what?!
    V: He’s not a dog Mika!
    Jen: You’ll never get Best In Show now Sean. I’m sorry.

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