Christine: Well, I licked it once so I could reattach the hat.
Yearly Archives: 2010
Well That’s OK Then
Bicycle Cop: So, what are you on parole for? Heavily Tattooed Guy: Um…assault with a deadly weapon. Cop: Was it a gun? Guy: What? Cop: The assault, did you use a gun? Guy: Oh no, it was a bottle. Cop (visibly relaxing): Oh, ok then.
Peel Em Early
Billy: I like em really young and raw. So they don’t taste like bananas.
Porn Cookies
Devin (impatient): Yes Katie Morgan is hot. Now let’s get some fucking cookies.
Small Openings
(as hundreds of bikeriders participating in the annual Fiesta Cruiser Ride try to pass over a narrow bridge, causing everyone to slow down and walk their bikes) Guy in underpants and bright red boots: Hey, I like it tight, but this is ridiculous!
Multiple Choice
(students chatting about classes and tests) Excitable Student: Oh man, I love multiple choice. I always pass those. Scantrons and all that. Multiple choice is my shit!
Cuddle Hamster Monsters
(The rat pee talk continues) Jen: seriously tho, rats do that. remember to wash your hands the next time you cuddle a hamster. Sean: i will remember that, next time i cuddle a hamster. which will be never. i hope Jen: i used to cuddle our hamster. but i always washed my hands. Sean: or …
Don’t Pee in the Gatoroid
(Discussing Debbie Gibson and Tiffany starring in a new movie called “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”) Sean: the title is dangerously close to getting me excited about buying some electrolytes tho Jen: wouldn’t a gatoroid be a smaller version of a gator? like a meteoroid? Sean: good question Jen: or a metroid? Sean: it could also …
Too Bad There are Only Ten of Them
Sarah: Mmm, this is the best my fingers have ever tasted.
That’s Not Racial Transcendence, Pt. 2
Jen: Hey, nobody’s talking about the Klan here. I just indicated that us white people had a meeting where we decided what kinds of actors we like. Torrell: That’s true, Mexicans do the same thing. Jen: La Raza! Torrell: No, we get our business done at quinceañeras.
That’s Not Racial Transcendence, Pt. 1
Jen: What are you watching? Torrell: Marine 2. Jen: Who’s in it? Torrell: I don’t know. You might recognize him, though. He looks like the kind of action-type actor that white people would like. (After careful consideration of the main character.) Jen: Nope, sorry. I don’t recognize that guy. He must not have been at …
Playing Doctor
(while looking at an April Fools day issue of a newspaper) Brian: Retirement home brothel. Ha. Christine, check out who wrote the article. {hands her the paper} Christine (reading): Anna Linjection? Who’s that?
This Game Is Rigged. And Meta.
Sean: Nice quote. Sadly, it caused the google ads on the page to become about interracial match making. Jen: I can think of something that will cause them to become even more so.
Perks of the Job
Steve: My new balls arrived today, the bright yellow ones are very tacky. Like, they stick to each other a lot. Jen: You tell me about your balls a lot. Steve: I’ve only told you about my balls twice, I think. At least in recent memory. Jen: Twice seems like a lot when it’s your …
Mutually Exclusive
(douchey guy talking loudly on his phone) Douche: Yeah, we have a great working environment. We do a ton of team-building exercises.
Only the Rich Wash Regularly
(a college couple observes a bunch of male students playing soccer in the mud) Boyfriend: Eww. Girlfriend: They’re probably rich kids. They can afford to do laundry. Boyfriend: Oh.
Tornadic
Sean: someone on the news just said “tornadic activity” Jen: i think that’s something that happens when your gall bladder produces too much bile Sean: that’s…horrific Jen: or else it’s where a dog’s stomach gets twisted and the vet has to go unwind it and when the vet is in there he finds out the …