Jen: Hey, nobody’s talking about the Klan here. I just indicated that us white people had a meeting where we decided what kinds of actors we like.
Torrell: That’s true, Mexicans do the same thing.
Jen: La Raza!
Torrell: No, we get our business done at quinceañeras.
Updates from Jen Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts
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Jen
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Jen
Jen: What are you watching?
Torrell: Marine 2.
Jen: Who’s in it?
Torrell: I don’t know. You might recognize him, though. He looks like the kind of action-type actor that white people would like.(After careful consideration of the main character.)
Jen: Nope, sorry. I don’t recognize that guy. He must not have been at the last white peoples’ meeting.
Torrell: You’re talking about the Klan, right? -
Jen
Sean: Nice quote. Sadly, it caused the google ads on the page to become about interracial match making.
Jen: I can think of something that will cause them to become even more so. -
Jen
Steve: My new balls arrived today, the bright yellow ones are very tacky. Like, they stick to each other a lot.
Jen: You tell me about your balls a lot.
Steve: I’ve only told you about my balls twice, I think. At least in recent memory.
Jen: Twice seems like a lot when it’s your brother telling you about how sticky and yellow they are, I guess.
Steve: Hahaha. It sounds dirty when you put it like that.
Jen: What, it JUST started sounding dirty? What’s it like being the vice president of Candyland?
Steve: Pretty sweet. -
Jen
(Jen is wearing a dress with a small busy pattern.)
Steve: Your dress is making me dizzy.
Jen: Sorry, I never realized, since I don’t have to look at it.
Steve: It’s like one of those posters with the hidden picture in it.
Jen: Ha ha, Magic Eye! Yeah, I’ve got a sailboat hidden over here on my shoulder.
Steve (making graphic hand gestures): Does it make, like, your boobs look bigger?
Jen: HELLO? Inappropriate!
Steve (musing): That would be GREAT. -
Jen
Jen: Creepy.
Sean: It’s a small and creepy world. -
Jen
Steve: I suspect that he misdiagnosed shyness as a hernia.
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Jen
Steve: I got an email from Matt yesterday. He said that nobody in his unit had ever seen “The Dark Crystal”.
Jen: I thought you were going to say “real combat”.
Steve: That too. -
Jen
Sean (via IM): man, why does everyone have a monkey to love but me?!
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Jen
Sean has forwarded Jen an article (http://byneddiejingo.blogspot.com/2006/04/et-in-arcadia-ego.html). An IM conversation happens.
Sean: “Renowned systems administrator Sean sat down in his second floor office. He lunged for the keyboard, because lunging is a much better word then ‘reached’.”
Jen: “At the sound of a tapping in the doorway Sean froze and whirled around in his chair, bloodshot eyes from anxiety and bourbon widening in his head. In Sean, the renowned system administrator’s door, was the silhouette of a bird. The light was almost too dim to see that the bird was wearing a tiny argyle sweater.”
Sean: “The bird, whose name ‘Flashmaster Jay’ was embroidered on his tight-fitting argyle sweater, seemed to look through the system administrator’s soul. Sean fidgeted and adjusted his lime green polo shirt and his black slacks. Bourbon and pornography would be of no use to him here and now. It was but him and the tapping Flashmaster Jay in his second floor office.”
Jen: “The systems administrator lunged for his keyboard, remembered he was already holding it, and placed it carefully on his desk. Then the renowned person lunged for it again.
“You’ll never get what you’ve come for,” Sean hissed from between terrified teeth.
The bird smiled toothily, tapped his cornob pipe on the doorframe, and cocked his beady head. “Sean, Renowned System Administrator, I presume?””Sean: “Sean’s terror stricken face struck a proud pose for a moment. He was proud to know the renown of Sean had spread to the argyle sweater wearing animal kingdom community. The system administrator gently stroked his non-existent beard, trying to appear calmer than he actually was.”
Jen: “Well, Monsieur Jay,” Sean said, his formidable logical mind firing up and calulating with a speed faster than a formidable supercomputer, “I suppose this means you’ve already spoken with Allison.”
The bird’s grin faded and he cocked his tiny, pointy head. “Allison? I don’t believe I know who that is.”
“Checkmate!” crowed the system administrator victoriously, “for you would never have located my sanctum if you had not spoken first to Allison!”
“Oh, Allison,” said the bird, brightly and with a murderous red gleam in his tiny beady eye. “Was she previously attached to this?”
From the pocket of his sweater, the bird produced a single human eyeball, dangling from its own optic nerve, holding it aloft after carefully placing his pipe between the top and bottom halves of his birdlike beak.Sean: “Nooooooooooooooo,” Sean belted out, like a showtune, only sadder. “She was surely using that eyeball to see! You maniacal maniac bird!”
Jen: “I’m sorry,” said Flashmaster Jay as he carefully placed the eyeball back in his pocket, “but your words do not sway me or my mission, which is from God and who also can not be swayed. For you see, I am a maniac.”
Sean: …to be continued! this excellent fiction shall make its way to the quotes page tomorrow.
Jen: screw you, i’m quoting it now. you can quote tomorrow’s edition.
Sean: ha, fine then. quote away.
Jen: i will
Sean: good then
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Jen
Alien vs Predator Game hits a snag in the retelling
Jen: I feel bad that gremlins got cut. maybe we SHOULD take out terminator. Wait – I know how to resolve this. Gremlins vs. Terminator!
Sean: That’d take a shitload of gremlins.
Jen: Fine, fine: A Shitload of Gremlins vs The Original Terminator!
Sean: They’d probably fiddle with his circuitry before he could squish them all. Gremlins win!
Jen: That’s a movie I’d like to see. -
Jen
Jen: I am the You of this campus right now.
Sean: An enviable position to be sure.
Jen: It’s okay, but I can’t get used to all this bending over.
Sean: You get used to it eventually. I mean…hey! -
Jen
(discussing sean’s living arrangements)
sean: [name redacted] would only be back for a month. she suggested rooming up for the weekdays and she’d go with her parents on the weekends. and then, next time she came back, at least one person in the main house would have moved out and she’d go in there… wow, can’t believe i got that out between the clown sex and rimming.
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Jen
Sean: I was very excited to learn that I didn’t get crabs from that prostitute.
Jen: I’m taking that out of context.
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Jen
Steve: I wore pajamas last night. I have Peanuts all over my bottom.
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Jen
Mom: What’s the name of that movie…”Silent Runnings”? You know, that one with the Puerto Rican luge team.
Jen: You mean the Jamaican bobsled team?
Mom: No, it was a Puerto Rican luge. “Silent Runnings,” right?
Steve: Cool Runnings. With the Jamaican bobsled team.
Mom: Right, Cool Runnings. -
Jen
[online debate. subject: Time Travel.]
Jen: if watching Back to the Future taught me anything, it’s that your past and future selves cannot meet, or else you destroy the universe.
Sean: i dunno. if i take Timecop as gospel (and why wouldn’t i?!), then they couldn’t fight because they’d cancel each other out and cease to exist if they touched. poor Ron Silver.
Jen: interesting. but if they exist in the same moment, why does touching even matter?
Sean: something about the same object not being able to exist in the same space. van damme probably did the splits to distract from this plot point.
Jen: but they DON’T exist in the same space. they’d only exist in the same space if Ron Silver A’s atoms materialized in the EXACT SAME place as Ron Silver B’s, and in that case Ron Silver A would probably explode or something anyway.
Sean: i guess touching was enough of an overlap to cause problems. it’s not like they were making out or anything. just a bump.
Jen: if Ron Silver A is just fighting Ron Silver B, their molecules don’t exist in the same place at the same time at all – they’re just foxyboxing. i find this “Timecop” premise ludicrous.
Sean: in van damme’s universe, it was close enough.
Jen: but it’s NOT close enough!
Sean: the universe rounds up. -
Jen
[online conversation]
Sean: if i have to listen to a sleeping man snoring while almost swallowing his own tongue, they can deal with a little rack action.
Jen: i’m taking that out of context.
Sean: i’m a lot filthier out of context.
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Jen
[online conversation]
Sean: i’d have a stupid smirk on my face the entire time. and there’s no way i’d be able to do it with either of you there. one bit of eye contact and i’d explode with laughter.
Jen: i’m taking that out of context.
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Jen
Steve: I’m drowning in worcestershire sauce!
Jen: Delicious death.
Steve: Delicious like a foxburger! -
Jen
Spoken part of Cyprus Hill song: “Lotta sharks out there, lookin’ to get ahead…”
Dawn: Hmmm…sharks. That’s a metaphor. -
Jen
Coworker 1: Chicks dig C++.
Coworker 2: Not C, though.
1: Not C?
2: No way, man. C’s just…*shrugs*. But C++ is like, ninja shit. -
Jen
[Dawn shows off her new driver’s license picture.]
Randall: Wow, you look kind of fat.
(Everyone is shocked.)
Randall: I mean, because you’re actually so skinny… I should think before I talk. -
Jen
Frink: I don’t like nuts. They make my mouth itch.
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Jen
(Note: Stephen is 21 years old.)
Stephen (answering a quiz question): Men in Black?
Jen: Nope. You’re close.
Stephen: Men in Black II.
Jen: Right.
Stephen: Sheesh. Who knew numbers were sooooo important? I didn’t. That’s why I’m 43 years old. -
Jen
Alex (striking a karate pose to imitate the author on the cover of the book Dynamic Strength): I’m Harry Wong!
*pause*
Alex, thoughtfully: Oh my god, that guy’s name is Harry Wong! -
Jen
Dawn: there’s a river running in the grass outside my backdoor
Jen: they might have to sandbag your porch. they do that some years there.
Dawn: darn 1st floor apartment
Jen: a river runs through it.
Dawn: unless Brad Pitt is in that river, i don’t want it in my apartment.
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Jen
Driving downtown in the morning. Two leaves are stuck between the car hood and the windshield. They flap in the wind.
Alex: See the little leaves. They dance in the breeze, like children.
Jen: That was beautiful.
Alex: I HATE THEM! I WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY AND DIE!
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Jen
Steve H. : Sgt. Dickerheimer just picked Matt up.
Jen: Tell me that’s not really his name.
Steve: Nah, its Hollinger or something. But I liked Dickenheimer better.
Jen: It’s a good one. -
Jen
While discussing a Catholic mass Dawn had recently attended…
Narfa5 (1:57:39 PM): and i probably would have really gone off when i drank the wine
Narfa5 (1:57:47 PM): they were using the communal cup too
Narfa5 (1:57:50 PM): which is icky
JenRHock (1:58:01 PM): no, no no! they wipe it with the Napkin of Our Lord.
Narfa5 (1:58:12 PM): oh yeah, what was i thinking?
Narfa5 (1:58:25 PM): god will kill the germies!
Narfa5 (1:58:30 PM): but wait, he can’t do that, can he?
JenRHock (1:58:34 PM): The Lord’s Napkin is made antibacterial by the Grace of Our Lord Jesus.
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