Randall (while calling to cover a shift): Uh…yes…can I speak to….hang on a sec…(tries to figure out which consultant he’s calling)…wait…(hangs up and bursts into hysterical laughter)
Yearly Archives: 1999
P E N I L E
Sean (age 22): How do you spell “senile”?
Toilet Clogged
Randall: I go to Raging Waters every other friday to relieve myself
Good for Spider Dating
Alex: I’ve got spider radar, I’ve got spi-dar.
Falling Flat
Jen: I fall down… with alarming frequency.
Rhyming Fools
Billy: Hey, that rhymes! Netstation location; what’s your function. That should go in the quotes page.
The Usual
Jennifer: I wouldn’t force any leprechaun on anyone until they were drunk and passed out on the floor.
Good Touch, Bad Touch
Lora: You lose when you touch yourself. Billy: Yeah, it’s not good to touch yourself.
Worst Cheat Ever
AT Rock’n Bowl: Steve: I dont want to win, ive already seen [6th sense], but i entered twice.. Billy: Yeah, well i entered three times, im gonna win! <Over the loudspeaker> The winner… Billy Barker! –billy goes and gets prize– <The next winner is… Billy Barker? … Cheater! Now you dont get the prize.> Billy: …
Naked Time?
Alex: I’m impartial to dressing.
Or Hell
Phil: It’s cool, unless you start staring at red lights all night long. Sean: Cause that means you’re at a whorehouse!
Violence and Compromise
Jennifer: Kick him in the head. That’ll learn him. (and later:) Is nobody saying any self compromising comments this summer? Not even Sean?
Kill Mode Activated
Alex: I’ve gone into kill mode again. Phil: And how does that make you feel Alex? Alex: Fantastic.
I Have an Equation
Lora: Could you date someone of below average attractiveness? Ado: Look, either you’re attracted to someone, or you aren’t! Billy: Wellllll, it depends on how much money they have.
Man Makeup
Phil: I like the mascara. Alex: It suits you.
Even Fuller
Sean: It’s always better to eat on a full stomach. (pause) Sh!t.
It’s Me, Not You
Response to one of Ado’s emails: Hi. This is the qmail-send program at as.ucsb.edu. I’m afraid I wasn’t able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I’ve given up. Sorry it didn’t work out. Ado: I think my email just broke up with me.
Saving Forking For Tonight
Billy: Phil, you missed it last night, Sean taught Alex how to spoon.
Carnal Candy
Sean: I would never try to pressure you into opening up your Fun Dip. (Regarding the tasty tasty sugary snack pack, of course.)
Very Alive…Now
Christine: (pulling on Billy’s keychain) Hey look….his pants are alive!
Also Drunk
Christy: “I’m graduated. Like a cylinder.”
Cleanup is a Bitch
Jennifer (to Wes about Christy): “Good thing you stopped her. She was about to feel special all over the office.”
Mmm, Monkey Brains
Ado: Doo doo doo, Monkey Brains, Monkey Brains…. Never has anything looked so gross but tasted soooo good.
A Real Man Now
Billy at Carrow’s: “Look everyone, i can make the snake grow.”
Freak Penmanship
Sean: Yes I write all my letters from the bottom up. It’s freakish. If you saw me writing on a chalkboard you’d laugh. Just like my physics class. But they learned. (throws Mr. Happy at the floor demonically)
Page me Again!
(as the pager beeps) Billy: Ah yes, and the party begins in my pants.
Keyzer Soze
Wes: I didn’t really like it [The Usual Suspects]. Sean: It won best screenplay bitch.
Stolen by Skynet
Phil: “The only reason I’m in ECE is because I had that robotic arm”
Like Jello
Alex: “Hey, my butt’s kinda jiggley” {he glances at his rear}
It’s All Infected
(Referring to Wes’s chair) Christy: See, now you’re starting to sound like him … it’s the chair. Sean: I should disinfect this thing before I sit down. Christy: Ew. It’s got cooties.