alex: dude, i was hitting that beer bong like a 4 year old!
Author Archives: Sean
He Has 3 Suggestions
lora: hey, is there any place we can put tobin’s huge package?!
Whizz
(alex, while writing a paper for class) i feel a surge of genius coming or is that urine? whoops. it was urine
Bada Boom
Lora: fake boobs just walked in the library. she is very perky. Alex: would fake boobs WALK into a place, or bounce into a place? Lora: strut i think. boom bada boom bada boom. (and sometime later…) Alex: fake dick just walked into work. followed by his friend, real asshole. Sean: are they into one …
My Favorite Gourd
ean: you can’t plant every seed Piper: Oh, Dude…Now you tell me Piper: all that waisted seed Sean: and pumpkin/human hybrids……that’s a no go too Piper: you been fucking pumpkins?! Piper: –silence— Sean: the pumpkin lies! Sean: i never touched that pumpkin.
Upstanding Citizens Part 2
(the night continues…see previous quote) Samantha (fairly intoxicated): I give good head. (everyone starts laughing) Samantha: I do. Jermaine: What?! No you don’t. You give shitty head. (laughter grows) Samantha: Not on humans. Duh. Animals. They’re much easier. With their little weewees. Joe (laughing uncontrollably): Stop stop! I can’t handle anymore. No more animal sex!
Upstanding Citizens Part 1
(while walking in a group down the streets of the local college town) Samantha (approaching random guy): Hey, how’re you doing? Random Guy: Real good. Samantha: What would it take to get you on all fours? Random Guy: Um, a lot. Samantha: That’s too bad. You’re not the goat I’m looking for. Bahhhhh! Bye.
Dick Brownies
Lora: but where is the extra money coming from in order to get this tax cut Lopaka: the tax cut is retro from last year Sean: the extra money is from a government surplus Steve: bake sales Sean: cheney was sweating over the oven for hours with those brownies Lora: that’s my dick Steve: whoa
Gay for Beer?
during a peaceful ‘pizza and beer’ outing Tobin: I haven’t seen crack like that since I was gay.
With Nurse Crotch
“You’re lucky, here at the university we have the foremost researcher on Genital Warts, Dr.Cox.” – Completely serious ‘Human Sexuality’ professor.
Polytheism Wins
“All those gods you made up in your head are figments of your imagination!” – Yelled by a man outside of a concert (Tori Amos, no less) carrying a sign that read “TRUST JESUS OR BURN IN HELL”
Ready for My Closeup
“It doesn’t really matter to me, just as long as it’s tight on my ass.” – some college girl in a laundromat, referring to god knows what
Why Can’t I Stop
“I mean, who is this guy? And why is he watching me get naked?” – A comment from a friend, taken slightly out of context
Sorry, Only Know a Carrows
“You don’t know where Denny’s is? You call yourself men?” – Drunken skanky hos in front of an AM/PM in Riverside, CA (this was said to me and a group of my friends. there is no better way to describe the group of ‘women’ that said this. trust me)
The Horses are Sore Too
(as Wes stretches after getting off his motorcycle) Wes: Argh…I’m saddle sore from fucking horses.
Motorcycling
(As we view Wes from the car behind, he takes the opportunity to meticulously adjust his leather jacket while at a stop light on his motorcycle) Sean (in flighty Wes voice): Oh my, does this jacket make my ass look big?
Tripping on Turkey
(theorizing on why Sean had a strange hallucination the morning before) JennH: You must have eaten something bad. Sean: i figured that i was either hallucinating or i had become a very powerful warlock in my sleep JennH: Like week old milk or something. Sean: no dairy products either, although i had fast food for …
Fat and Wooden?
(also from the little yellow sheet at Jen’s b’day.) (Tobin’s seemed inable to come up with something funny for the sheet. So someone wrote a theory about why that was the case..) Tobin’s got writer’s cock. childish, yes, but it’s even funnier because someone thought this phrase important enough to write it on the same …
No Maps Though
(from the little yellow sheet at Jen’s b’day.) (in regards to Gabe’s much maligned major) So, if a geography major gets lost, does he get kicked out of the major? –sean No, they just give him a rock hammer and call it close enough. –anon
Poo
sean: something should happen tonight alex: your words reach deep and question the very fabric of our frustrating miniature human existance sean: you coulda said poo alex: and now i wish i had sean: but you didn’t and poo still came out
Both at Once?
(after an advertisement on tv for some new medicine) alex: I hate when depression medicine gets in the way of my sex. sean: i hate when sex gets in the way of my depression
Were We Drunk?
Tod’s Fairwell Dinner – The little yellow sheet (all of these comments were written over the course of Tod’s dinner by the various people in attendence. since none of them are labeled, they are completely anonymous) For a good time call 571-7557 (phil’s # during the summer) I am an alien taken this paper form. …
The Usual
Jennifer: I wouldn’t force any leprechaun on anyone until they were drunk and passed out on the floor.
Very Alive…Now
Christine: (pulling on Billy’s keychain) Hey look….his pants are alive!
Cleanup is a Bitch
Jennifer (to Wes about Christy): “Good thing you stopped her. She was about to feel special all over the office.”
Like Jello
Alex: “Hey, my butt’s kinda jiggley” {he glances at his rear}
Spatially Retarded
Christy (walking to her chair while talking): I’m brilliant! {THUD}-Christy slips, missing her chair by a half mile.
Marketable Skills
I was adjusting my package. {shakes her hips} I’m so good at it! Everyone should have a skill. -Christy
Time to Switch Brands
Christy: Ew! There’s hair in my private time soda!
Way Connected
Josh: I gots more Mafia connections than Don Knotts!