(standing in a group outside. a political operative approaches us, handing us free water with the label advertising for a local judicial candidate.)
Shasta: Wait, I don’t know this guy. What if it’s evil poisoned republican water?
Updates from Sean Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts
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Sean
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Sean
lora: always nice to open up a webpage and see ‘dick bread’
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Sean
(Andy traps a small moth in a glass at dinner.)
(20 minutes pass)
Sean: (taps glass) I think it’s dead. You killed it Andy, how does that make you feel?
Andy: Um…superior? -
Sean
madeline: maybe i’ll get early adult onset….um….um….
sean: Alzheimer’s?
madeline: oh my god! i forgot the word for Alzheimer’s! -
Sean
from another site:
The Two Things about World Conquest:
1. Divide and Conquer.
2. Never invade Russia in the winter.from jen and sean:
3. “Never get in a land war in Asia”
4. Never challenge a Sicilian, when death is on the line.
5. “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ….. ha! *dead*
6. Poison both the goblets.
7. Build up immunity to iocaine powder.
8. Call bitchy ex-girlfriend a tramp.
9. Slap supposed kidnapper.
10. Roll down hill.
11. “As….you…..wiiiiiishhhhh!”
12. Wonder what you saw in that horsey-faced girl in the first place.
13. Choose girl over rodents of unusual size. But it was close.
14. Be a man of action. Lies do not become you.
15. Get year of life sucked out of you. It tingles.
16. Go back to the beginning.
17. Albinos have soft heads.
18. “Mawwiage.”
19. Holocaust cloaks are handy for bbqs and party tricks.
20. Only be mostly dead.
21. True love and gambling are closely related.
22. I’m not a witch, I’m your wife.
23. “Good luck storming the castle!”
24. Destroy your perfect breasts.
25. “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die.”
26. “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die. Ouch.”
27. “Stop saying that!”
28. Offer him money.
29. Offer him power.
30. Offer him anything.
30. Offer him everything he asks for and more.
31. He wants his father back, you son of a bitch.
32. Kill him. Revenge is sweet.
33. Threaten to cut off the prince’s appendages. Minus the ears.
34. Nah, he’s bluffing.
35. “Drop….your….sword.”
36. Wet yourself.
37. Collapse onto bed as girlfriend and lackey tie up bad guy.
38. Wonder why girlfriend is so dense.
39. Hope girlfriend is more enlightened in bed.
(After all this crap, she’d better be the Mata Hari.)
40. Hey, four white horses.
41. That story wasn’t so bad Columbo..err..granddad.
42. The end. Or is it? (Dum dum dummmmmm)
43. Cue studio exec, 15 years later, pitching idea for “The Princess Daughter” about 15 year old rebelling against her parents. She runs away and has an adventure with Inigo and the gentle giant now played by Hulk Hogan.
Sean
Shasta: So I was reading the cover of Network Magazine the other day..
Paka (interrupting): Wait wait! Say that again, slowly. It turns me on.
Sean
(at dinner on a cruise ship)
Shasta: This kahlua cake doesn’t taste much like kahlua.
Sean: I thought you said koala cake. That doesn’t seem tasty.
Shasta: Aww. Poor koalas.
Billy: Man, koalas will mess you up!
Sean
jen: dentists are scary
jen: they’re like shop teachers of the mouth
sean: oh great, now i’m going to imagine my dentist with a circular saw, thanx.
Sean
madeline: c’mon sean, everyone knows that the only safe bestiality is abstinence.
Sean
(in regards to a story about an airline pilot asking christian passengers to identify themselves so non-christians could talk to them about their faith)
jen: i just read that.
[mock pilot announcment]
“if you’re a christian, raise your hand so non-christians can punch you in the face.”
sean: “i’ll be available after the flight so you can kick me in the groin. that’s all you dirty heathens.”
jen: “keep in mind that if the plane starts to depressurize, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling and the nonbelievers will go on to burn in hell.”
sean: “if your fellow passengers are buggering each other, please do not try to talk to them about christianity. no matter how many times they yell out ‘oh god, oh god!’ ”
jen: “and unless you’re a member of our frequent-flying clergy program, do not join in the buggering.”
sean: “buggering automatically forfeits your right to inflight peanuts, the terrible movie, and eternal salvation. well, if you enjoy it, that is.”
jen: “if you’ll look out the window, you should see a cloud formation that looks just like our holy virgin mother, bleeding out her eyes!”
sean: “and directly below; the sinners of san francisco. i’d ask you all to spit out the window, but i’ve been told, repeatedly, that this is a bad idea. so please, instead, wish for their quick death and eternal damnation in your nightly prayers.”
Sean
sean: ..and this is my suspicious yet happy face.
madeline: Impressive. You’re a very complex man.
sean: Yes, I have many layers. Like an onion.
madeline: Well, I’m flexible..um..like an onion.
Sean
(jess talking with alex about housing possibilities in Hayward)
jess: you might want to look at B street.
alex: B as in boy? or D as in dog?
jess: boy as in dog.
alex: *laughs maniacally*
jess (realizing error): *laughs* i mean B as in boy!
sean (listening in, messaged to alex): my girlfriend doesn’t know the alphabet.
alex: awesome funny.
sean: it’s only embarassing when we play scrabble. the rest of the time, it’s ok.
Sean
(Sean puts on a Mac OS X t-shirt that prominently displays a big blue X)
Jess: Hey look, X marks the geek!
Sean
(while playing with a friend’s cats)
Jess: The cats are licking their own crotches. I’m not sure whether to be grossed out or jealous.
Sean
(while playing Metroid on the Gamecube)
sean: …and this is the analyze mode. you can run around and analyze everything.
andria: ooh, women are good at analyzing things.
alex (chuckling): so where’s the over analyze button?
Sean
Alex: Jen always gets scared when I pull my candy out too soon.
Sean
(online conversation via broadcast messages)
Steve: anyone else hear those sirens on campus?
Sean: some power transformer blow up again or something?
Jen: if you all die, I get your stereos
Steve: granted
Alex: i’d like to be burried with my stereo playing ‘tell me something good’
Sean: much better choice than queen’s ‘another one bites the dust’.
Tobin: I’d like to be buried with my stereo playing ‘let’s get it on’
Sean: maybe we should get into the business of coffin tunes. tobin tries to sell them on something innappropriate, and one of us plays the consoling sensitive one who sells them ‘Stairway to Heaven’ instead. it’s foolproof
Tobin: what’s that smell? that smells like… like… brilliance!
Alex: as if a coffin playing stairway to heaven ISN’T inappropriate
Sean: it’ll seem downright poetic next to tobin’s ‘me so horny’ suggestion
Tobin: ooh… we could start with an exhumation special, for those who were unfortunately buried without a soundtrack
Sean: ‘their afterlife will not be one of silent rotting any longer’. that’ll be our motto
Tobin: and we could have different packages, rotting to the oldies, rott and roll or make your own ‘decomposition composition’
Sean
Billy J: I learn things from tv. I learned from Leave it to Beaver that every time you shave, your hair gets thicker when it grows back.
Alex: So eventually it’ll be this huuuge {forms hands in ring the size of a tennis ball}.
Jess: Did the beaver shave on that show?
Billy J: Well…
{much laughter}
Sean
Steve Y.: It’s only blackmail if you’re not proud of it.
Sean
lamont: Taco Bell has no bell
demonhood: mcdonalds is not irish
demonhood: or scottish even
lamont: Pizza Hut is run by humans not Hutts
demonhood: there is no royalty at burger king
lamont: Jack in the Box and Carl’s Junior are both utterly perverse names
demonhood: wendy’s doesn’t even serve wendy burgers anymore
lamont: And In and Out is no longer what “a hamburger is all about” They’re changing the name to “In and then snuggle a bit”
demonhood: subway lives above ground
lamont: Marie Calendar’s doesn’t know what month it is
demonhood: sizzler boils everything
lamont: Dairy Queen isn’t actually run by lactose intolerant gay men.
demonhood: panda express food is comprised entirely of pandas that weren’t fast enough to get away
lamont: Del Taco is not truly “Of the Taco”
demonhood: olive garden salts the earth after they’ve gotten their produce
lamont: Little Cesaer’s is all that remains of the Roman empire.
demonhood: dominoes builds too closely to tall unstable neighboring establishments
lamont: Don Jose isn’t really a Don
demonhood: Red Robin’s carpet doesn’t match the drapes
lamont: Black Angus is white.
demonhood: outback steakhouse uses indoor plumbing
lamont: Chili’s doesn’t use real baby backs.
lamont: Long John Silvers wears boxers.
demonhood: foster’s freeze serves warm food too
lamont: White Castle is more of a fort.
demonhood: the owner of Chevy’s prefers Fords
lamont: Dunkin’ Donuts can only do layups
demonhood: Krispy Kremes was actually started by a man named Krispy.
Sean
Billy: That’s the creed of those damn dirty hippies: Fight the man. Fight the shower.
Sean
(while walking thru an outdoor shopping center)
Popcorn Vendor (calling out): Free samples, if you’d like to taste!
Tessa: Did he just say “Free samples, for Christ’s sake.” ?
Max: I don’t think so.
Sean:: But that’d be a unique way to sell popcorn. Invoking the name of Jesus Christ.
Sean
Alex: Hey Billy, can I take a peek at your iron monkey?
Sean
(while reaching for some brie at a holiday party, his arm precariously close to being burned)
Alex: uh oh. I don’t think I should be cutting the cheese over these candles.
Sean
(most of us had recently seen the new movie ‘The Ring’)
lopaka: …7 days…
sean: cleaning a broom closet takes…7 days
jen: dissolving a body in acid takes…7 days
lopaka: 1 week is … 7 days
jen: 7 hours at work feels like…7 days
sean: the common cold can last…for 7 days
jen: lopaka, what really happens in 7 days?
sean: lopaka has not had a bowel movement..in 7 days
jen: TMI alert!
Sean
(while discussing what font to use on ICQ)
Jessica: verdana? looks like Arial. everything looks like Arial. Arial is like the chicken of fonts.
Sean
(around lunchtime, in two different locations)
alex: man i’m so hungry
sean: so hungry you’re hungy eh. i should make me a samich
alex: then feed it to me
sean: my cable modem does not support the food protocol
alex: stupid cox.
alex: i ate a pizza over dsl the other day
alex: it was digilicious
Sean
(while in Chilis, talking to an off duty waiter named Gregg. Gregg, btw, is the one that sings Happy Birthday opera style.)
Avery: Oh yeah, so you like the lakers?
Gregg: Yeah.
(sometime later)
(lakers score a basket)
Avery: Woooooh. Show us your tits!
(Gregg shakes his head, looks around as if to say “this girl is crazy”)
Sean
Paka: What?? I’m not drunk enough to drive!
Sean
tobin: i found a cuban in my mom’s underwear drawer once.
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