alex: dude, i was hitting that beer bong like a 4 year old!
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Sean
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Sean
lora: hey, is there any place we can put tobin’s huge package?!
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Sean
(alex, while writing a paper for class)
i feel a surge of genius coming
or is that urine?
whoops. it was urine -
Sean
Lora: fake boobs just walked in the library. she is very perky.
Alex: would fake boobs WALK into a place, or bounce into a place?
Lora: strut i think. boom bada boom bada boom.
(and sometime later…)
Alex: fake dick just walked into work. followed by his friend, real asshole.
Sean: are they into one another?
Alex: sort of in an out. very cyclical -
Sean
ean: you can’t plant every seed
Piper: Oh, Dude…Now you tell me
Piper: all that waisted seed
Sean: and pumpkin/human hybrids……that’s a no go too
Piper: you been fucking pumpkins?!
Piper: –silence—
Sean: the pumpkin lies!
Sean: i never touched that pumpkin. -
Sean
(the night continues…see previous quote)
Samantha (fairly intoxicated): I give good head.
(everyone starts laughing)
Samantha: I do.
Jermaine: What?! No you don’t. You give shitty head.
(laughter grows)
Samantha: Not on humans. Duh. Animals. They’re much easier. With their little weewees.
Joe (laughing uncontrollably): Stop stop! I can’t handle anymore. No more animal sex! -
Sean
(while walking in a group down the streets of the local college town)
Samantha (approaching random guy): Hey, how’re you doing?
Random Guy: Real good.
Samantha: What would it take to get you on all fours?
Random Guy: Um, a lot.
Samantha: That’s too bad. You’re not the goat I’m looking for. Bahhhhh! Bye. -
Sean
Lora: but where is the extra money coming from in order to get this tax cut
Lopaka: the tax cut is retro from last year
Sean: the extra money is from a government surplus
Steve: bake sales
Sean: cheney was sweating over the oven for hours with those brownies
Lora: that’s my dick
Steve: whoa -
Sean
during a peaceful ‘pizza and beer’ outing
Tobin: I haven’t seen crack like that since I was gay.
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Sean
“You’re lucky, here at the university we have the foremost researcher on Genital Warts, Dr.Cox.”
- Completely serious ‘Human Sexuality’ professor.
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Sean
“All those gods you made up in your head are figments of your imagination!”
- Yelled by a man outside of a concert (Tori Amos, no less) carrying a sign that read “TRUST JESUS OR BURN IN HELL”
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Sean
“It doesn’t really matter to me, just as long as it’s tight on my ass.”
- some college girl in a laundromat, referring to god knows what
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Sean
“I mean, who is this guy? And why is he watching me get naked?”
- A comment from a friend, taken slightly out of context
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Sean
“You don’t know where Denny’s is? You call yourself men?”
- Drunken skanky hos in front of an AM/PM in Riverside, CA
(this was said to me and a group of my friends. there is no better way to describe the group of ‘women’ that said this. trust me)
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Sean
(as Wes stretches after getting off his motorcycle)
Wes: Argh…I’m saddle sore from fucking horses.
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Sean
(As we view Wes from the car behind, he takes the opportunity to meticulously adjust his leather jacket while at a stop light on his motorcycle)
Sean (in flighty Wes voice): Oh my, does this jacket make my ass look big?
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Sean
(theorizing on why Sean had a strange hallucination the morning before)
JennH: You must have eaten something bad.
Sean: i figured that i was either hallucinating or i had become a very powerful warlock in my sleep
JennH: Like week old milk or something.
Sean: no dairy products either, although i had fast food for dinner i think
JennH: That could probably do it.
JennH: Maybe it’s madcow disease in your hamburgers
Sean: it was chicken. you beef eaters can have your crazy cows
JennH: laughs
Sean: i’d rather have my hallucinogenic chicken, thank you very much -
Sean
(also from the little yellow sheet at Jen’s b’day.)
(Tobin’s seemed inable to come up with something funny for the sheet. So someone wrote a theory about why that was the case..)
Tobin’s got writer’s cock.
childish, yes, but it’s even funnier because someone thought this phrase important enough to write it on the same sheet twice.
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Sean
(from the little yellow sheet at Jen’s b’day.)
(in regards to Gabe’s much maligned major)
So, if a geography major gets lost, does he get kicked out of the major? –sean
No, they just give him a rock hammer and call it close enough. –anon
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Sean
sean: something should happen tonight
alex: your words reach deep and question the very fabric of our frustrating miniature human existance
sean: you coulda said poo
alex: and now i wish i had
sean: but you didn’t and poo still came out -
Sean
(after an advertisement on tv for some new medicine)
alex: I hate when depression medicine gets in the way of my sex.
sean: i hate when sex gets in the way of my depression -
Sean
Tod’s Fairwell Dinner – The little yellow sheet
(all of these comments were written over the course of Tod’s dinner by the various people in attendence. since none of them are labeled, they are completely anonymous)
- For a good time call 571-7557 (phil’s # during the summer)
- I am an alien taken this paper form. Right now I am having sex w/your hand and I know you like it because you are smiling. 🙂
- http://www.todsgoawaydinner.com
- Do NOT be afraid to love the avocado.
- you want a piece of me? i’ll kill ya! kill ya all!
- I miss Alex W. at this end of the table. His charming smile melts my brain.
- (commenting on above quote)
narcissist? - (commenting on above quote)
- I am wearing polka-dot panties.
- I’d smile if you’d touch me again.
- I’m trapped in a Turkish prison. Help! Send brownies.
- (commenting on above quote)
I’m trapped in a turkish toilet…splash splash!- (commenting on above quote)
I’m trapped in a Turkish whore. Bring the jaws-of-life. - (commenting on above quote)
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
- The people I work with are sick puppies. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
- suckers!
- “No matter where you go, there you are.”
- ok. here’s the deal. this is only a “work” function. get over it.
- I’m squishing your head. I’m squishing your head.
- Brandy is not a “shot taking” liquor.
- I’m melting because I’m made of cheese.
- press here.
- The glass isn’t half empty, it’s just designed twice as big as it needs to be.
- I am the outsider.
- Minni-me you complete me!
- ?
- none of this makes sense.
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Sean
Jennifer: I wouldn’t force any leprechaun on anyone until they were drunk and passed out on the floor.
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Sean
Christine: (pulling on Billy’s keychain) Hey look….his pants are alive!
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Sean
Jennifer (to Wes about Christy): “Good thing you stopped her. She was about to feel special all over the office.”
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Sean
Alex: “Hey, my butt’s kinda jiggley” {he glances at his rear}
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Sean
Christy (walking to her chair while talking): I’m brilliant!
{THUD}-Christy slips, missing her chair by a half mile. -
Sean
I was adjusting my package.
{shakes her hips}
I’m so good at it! Everyone should have a skill.
-Christy -
Sean
Christy: Ew! There’s hair in my private time soda!
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Sean
Josh: I gots more Mafia connections than Don Knotts!
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