(while at a fancy dinner)
Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!
Updates from July, 2009 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts
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Sean
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Sean
(while discussing the FDA’s new power over cigarettes)
Sean: They should separate the Drugs from the FDA. They should just do food.
Brian: Right, so what does the FDA even regulate now?
Sean: Things you put in your mouth?
Brian: Bah. They should be the Food and Dick Administration.
Sean: Uhh…
Brian: Wait, not that I put those in my mouth! -
Sean
{while walking down steps to the local beach on a beautiful day}
Overly tan woman (enthusiastically): Hey! You guys must be down here to get a tan!
[Sean and Dawn look at their own pale skin]
Tan woman (still enthusiastic): Are you here from one of the cold countries?!
[Awkward pause]
Dawn: Um…no.
[Tan woman walks away, undoubtedly to tell all her friends how people from the “cold countries” are albino jerks.] -
Max
Chris: I should totally rent a midget!
Max: You can’t “rent” a midget.
Chris: Can I rent a dwarf?
Max: You can’t rent people.
Chris: I’ve been to Thailand, yes you can.
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Sean
Christine: I can drive.
Sean: Cool.
Christine: So it’ll be you, me, Paka, Vince and Brian in my car.
{Vince walks up}
Christine: I’m gonna be in a man sandwich all day!
Vince: What the hell! -
Sean
(an asian sorority is giving out fundraiser fliers for Panda Express.)
(meanwhile, in line)Girl (eyeing form in boyfriend’s hand): Do you really want to give them 20% of your money?
Boyfriend: Hmm?
Girl: You know. (whispers) The asians. -
Sean
(while driving through San Simeon, CA on Highway 1)
Sarah: What the fuck?!
Sean (surprised): What?
{Sarah points out the window. Sean looks.}
Sean: What the fuck?!{In a field to the side of the freeway are half a dozen Zebras, calmly grazing. ZEBRAS}
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Sean
(Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club)
Christine: Tyler, you’re really sweaty.
Tyler: Christine, you DON’T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much.
*shocked pause*
Tyler (gesturing): Hey Sean, come listen to what I just told Christine! -
Anonymous
(Heard by people in the lobby while I was complaining about an upgrade)
Me: I don’t want to spend Friday night waiting for some dude to call!
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Jen
(Jen is wearing a dress with a small busy pattern.)
Steve: Your dress is making me dizzy.
Jen: Sorry, I never realized, since I don’t have to look at it.
Steve: It’s like one of those posters with the hidden picture in it.
Jen: Ha ha, Magic Eye! Yeah, I’ve got a sailboat hidden over here on my shoulder.
Steve (making graphic hand gestures): Does it make, like, your boobs look bigger?
Jen: HELLO? Inappropriate!
Steve (musing): That would be GREAT. -
Jen
Jen: Creepy.
Sean: It’s a small and creepy world. -
Jen
Steve: I suspect that he misdiagnosed shyness as a hernia.
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Sean
a man wearing a cowboy hat at a night club approaches Jen from behind. he stands inches away, dancing suggestively behind her
Christine: Jen, don’t turn around.
Jen turns around.
Jen (to the cowboy): Fuck off! You’re so very rude! Fuck off!
Cowboy stammers a bit, then leaves.later
Cowyboy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.
Jen: Then stop being rude!even later
Cowboy (holding unlit cigarette): Hey, do you guys have a light?
Jen, Christine, Sean: No! -
Sean
Christine: So I was watching Kill Bill on TBS the other day, and they kept bleeping it when people said Uma Thurman’s character’s name. What was it?
Brian: Cunty McDickerson.
Christine: Oh. That is pretty bad. Makes sense they had to censor it. -
Sean
Jen: the most deadly of octopus is as but a mewling baby in a death match with chuck norris when compared to the most mild-mannered of the vile squid.
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Sean
(while discussing sexual “oops” moments at the local pub)
Brian: ‘Oops’ is a myth even in my most drunken moments. There’s no oops. That would be like a girl saying “Oops, I went down on you with my nostril!” True story, a girl did actually go down on me once with her nostril…
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Jen
Steve: I got an email from Matt yesterday. He said that nobody in his unit had ever seen “The Dark Crystal”.
Jen: I thought you were going to say “real combat”.
Steve: That too. -
Sean
(while discussing what to doodle at our next pub quiz night)
Jen: i thought of a way better idea for the back of Sheet 4 tomorrow
“TRUE and INTERESTING Facts About Vaginas Not Appearing in Tonight’s Program”1) “The modern day vagina was invented in 1832 by George Washington Carver, who also discovered over 300 uses for the peanut and invented the pickled egg.”
2) “True Fact! Many famous celebrities have a strong vagina heritage. Two you may have heard of are Famous Hollywood Actors Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, who underwent extensive plastic surgery to be more “camera friendly”
“They would later go on to found Planet Hollywood, a famous vagina restaurant chain.”
Sean: “Filled with the world’s best vagina paraphernalia hanging on the walls.”
3) “After the women’s suffragist movement of the early 20th century, vaginas started coming in 31 different flavors. This was the inspiration for the Baskin Robbins chain of ice cream shops.”
Jen: “Early favorites: strawberry, pistachio, musk.”
Sean: hehe. “Early rejected flavors: saltwater taffy, avocado, tobacco”
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Max
(While discussing Romance Novels)
Sara- “I don’t like having to hold a book while I masturbate” -
Jen
Sean (via IM): man, why does everyone have a monkey to love but me?!
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Shasta
–In Vons, Move-In Week at UCSB–
Slim, tan co-ed to her friends: I wish I was anorexic. Then I wouldn’t have to go grocery shopping.
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Sean
Jen: i like that on netflix, they list Keith Carradine as costarring in Deadwood in every single episode.
Sean: the spirit of buffalo bill lives on!
Jen: they should say “Co-stars Keith Carradine* (*Keith Carradine fans should prepare for disappointment.)”
Sean: the head of his fan club should file a complaint
Jen: “where’s keith carradine???” “watch episode 2” “nooooooooooo!”
Sean: “i’m running dangerously low on carradine, as required by my doctor”
Jen: it’s what you take when you’re feeling melodramatic
Jen: “what do i have, doctor?” “you have a case of the Shut the Hell Ups. take some carradine.”
Sean: for the small cases, he prescribes carradine with added david essense. -
Sean
Jen: well obviously i’m not getting nude in the office, but there’s definitely a psycho dance vibe here
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Max
::While walking single file up a path::
Max: Sara you dropped…
Sara: Is there something wrong with my ass?!
Max:…your cigarettes. -
Sean
(inside local restaurant – lunchtime)
Christine (sniffing): Hey, it smells like bacon in here.
Shasta (sniffing): Hmm, It does smell like bacon.
*Shasta spots a uniformed police officer grabbing a soda a few feet away.*
Christine: Yeah, totally smells like bacon.
Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh.
Christine: What? Why?
Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh. I’ll explain in a minute.
*The cop leaves* -
Sean
(the mocking sean hour continues)
jen: do you wear the sorting hat when you go online to harry potter sex chatrooms?
sean: how do you think i get all the witches?
jen: i really don’t want to think about that
“I sort you into the house that dances around a little and takes off your clothes, and I sort you two into the house that gets a little drunk and makes out with each other at parties, and I sort you to the house that sits on my lap and laughs hilariously at everything I say. Accio condoms!” -
Stephenh
A woman at work: “I don’t wear a helmet to go to the bathroom.”
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Sean
(as a Gunther concert lets out and the crowd disperses)
Random Male Student: I’m not sure yet. He did ask me to taste his semen.
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Sean
Stephen: you should have written the tag line for leprechaun 6. the current one is “evil has a whole new rap!” i know some white guy in a neckerchief wrote that.
Sean: he wore a special green neckerchief the day that he wrote that. you know, for inspirationSean: Leprechaun 7: Lady Lumps “Somewhere over the rainbow, even an evil leprechaun can find love!”
Stephen: Leprechaun 8: Off the Chain?
Sean: Leprechaun 9: Miami Style starring David Caruso and his sunglasses
Stephen: Leprechaun 10: Spreadin’ the Cheese
Sean: Leprechaun 11: Bam! Killin’ it up a notch
Stephen: Leprechaun 12: One Death to a Baker’s Dozen
Sean: Leprechaun 13: Sifting through the Blood of Time
Stephen: Leprechaun 14: Overkill!
Sean: Leprechaun 15: Leprechaun vs. The Tooth Fairy
Stephen: Leprechaun 16: 16 Ways to Die in Ireland
Sean: Leprechaun 17: Fall of the Gold Market
Stephen: Leprechaun 18: Thoughts and Feelings
Sean: Leprechaun 19: Chillin’ at Walden PondStephen: Leprechaun XX: Keep the Dream Alive
Sean: Leprechaun XXI: Roman Bathhouse Battle Royale
Stephen: Leprechaun XXII: Green to Red, Live to Dead
Stephen: it’d be shaped as an X — the “to” in the middle, and the title as the cross pieces. so just one “to”
Sean: Leprechaun XXIII: Halloscream’s Eve
Stephen: Leprechaun XXIV: Bruce Willis Cameo
Sean: Leprechaun XXV: Electric Boogaloo
Stephen: Leprechaun XXVI: Counting Rose Petals
Sean: Leprechaun XXVII: Where For Art Thou Gold
Stephen: Leprechaun XXVIII: Moonlighting
Sean: Leprechaun XXIX: Shorties Killing ShortiesStephen: Leprechaun xXx: xXx Vs. Leprechaun
Sean: Leprechaun XXXI: Enemy Combatant
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXII: Tending Bar
Sean: Leprechaun XXXIII: Down & Out & Paying Child Support
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXIV: XXXIV Ways to Die in Ireland
Sean: Leprechaun XXXV: Corned Beef with a Side of Blood
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXVI: Leprechaun’s Run
Sean: Leprechaun XXXVII: Return of the Platinum Pirate
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXVIII: Legendary
Sean: Leprechaun XXXIX: Too X to HandleStephen: Leprechaun XXXX: Not a Lawn Gnome, 4 Reelz
Sean: actually, it’s XL
Stephen: doh!
Stephen: Leprechaun XLI: Letters and Numbers
Sean: Leprechaun XLII: Dysfunctional Family Reunion
Stephen: Leprechaun XLIII: Owen Wilson Plays Himself
Sean: Leprechaun XLIV: LIVe Green or Die
Stephen: Leprechaun XLV: Wicked Workout
Sean: Leprechaun XLVI: Killin to the Oldies
Stephen: Leprechaun XLVII: Causality
Sean: Leprechaun XLVIII: Occam’s Razor…..of Pain
Stephen: Leprechaun XLIX: Speeding Zalicks
Sean: Leprechaun L: Lusty Lesbians -
Sean
Madeline: i don’t trust anyone who sucks at blowjobs in my kitchen.
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