Billy: Hey, that rhymes! Netstation location; what’s your function. That should go in the quotes page.
The Usual
Jennifer: I wouldn’t force any leprechaun on anyone until they were drunk and passed out on the floor.
Good Touch, Bad Touch
Lora: You lose when you touch yourself.
Billy: Yeah, it’s not good to touch yourself.
Worst Cheat Ever
AT Rock’n Bowl:
Steve: I dont want to win, ive already seen [6th sense], but i entered twice..
Billy: Yeah, well i entered three times, im gonna win!
<Over the loudspeaker>
The winner… Billy Barker!
–billy goes and gets prize–
<The next winner is… Billy Barker? … Cheater! Now you dont get the prize.>
Billy: Hey. Screw.
…later that night…
<Lets get another big winner… Billy Barker?? Whats with this guy?>
Steve: Thats a cryin’ damn shame.
Naked Time?
Alex: I’m impartial to dressing.
Or Hell
Phil: It’s cool, unless you start staring at red lights all night long.
Sean: Cause that means you’re at a whorehouse!
Violence and Compromise
Jennifer: Kick him in the head. That’ll learn him.
(and later:)
Is nobody saying any self compromising comments this summer? Not even Sean?
Kill Mode Activated
Alex: I’ve gone into kill mode again.
Phil: And how does that make you feel Alex?
Alex: Fantastic.
I Have an Equation
Lora: Could you date someone of below average attractiveness?
Ado: Look, either you’re attracted to someone, or you aren’t!
Billy: Wellllll, it depends on how much money they have.
Man Makeup
Phil: I like the mascara.
Alex: It suits you.
Even Fuller
Sean: It’s always better to eat on a full stomach. (pause) Sh!t.
It’s Me, Not You
Response to one of Ado’s emails: Hi. This is the qmail-send program at as.ucsb.edu. I’m afraid I wasn’t able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I’ve given up. Sorry it didn’t work out.
Ado: I think my email just broke up with me.
Saving Forking For Tonight
Billy: Phil, you missed it last night, Sean taught Alex how to spoon.
Carnal Candy
Sean: I would never try to pressure you into opening up your Fun Dip.
(Regarding the tasty tasty sugary snack pack, of course.)
Very Alive…Now
Christine: (pulling on Billy’s keychain) Hey look….his pants are alive!
Also Drunk
Christy: “I’m graduated. Like a cylinder.”
Cleanup is a Bitch
Jennifer (to Wes about Christy): “Good thing you stopped her. She was about to feel special all over the office.”
Mmm, Monkey Brains
Ado: Doo doo doo, Monkey Brains, Monkey Brains…. Never has anything looked so gross but tasted soooo good.
A Real Man Now
Billy at Carrow’s: “Look everyone, i can make the snake grow.”
Freak Penmanship
Sean: Yes I write all my letters from the bottom up. It’s freakish. If you saw me writing on a chalkboard you’d laugh. Just like my physics class.
But they learned. (throws Mr. Happy at the floor demonically)
Page me Again!
(as the pager beeps)
Billy: Ah yes, and the party begins in my pants.
Keyzer Soze
Wes: I didn’t really like it [The Usual Suspects].
Sean: It won best screenplay bitch.
Stolen by Skynet
Phil: “The only reason I’m in ECE is because I had that robotic arm”
Like Jello
Alex: “Hey, my butt’s kinda jiggley” {he glances at his rear}
It’s All Infected
(Referring to Wes’s chair)
Christy: See, now you’re starting to sound like him … it’s the chair.
Sean: I should disinfect this thing before I sit down.
Christy: Ew. It’s got cooties.
Popcorn Ain’t Food
Christy: I should go home and eat.
Jennifer: Eating’s overrated. (as she stuffs a large handful of buttery popcorn into her mouth)
Dance For Me!
Randall: Wait, how am I dead? Wait.
Spectators: She shot you!
(Christy begins firing and approaching Randall)
Randall: Wait.
Randall: WAIT!
Randall: WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!! (Turns and flees screaming like a little girl)
Stroke School
Alex: I know how to stroke.
Christy: Your mama taught you that.
Alex: You taught me that! You sat me down and taught me how to stroke an image.
But I Ain’t Free
Naseem: I don’t cost any money.
Smooth to the Touch
Mike: Josh is a hit with all the blind women.