Sinner Airlines

(in regards to a story about an airline pilot asking christian passengers to identify themselves so non-christians could talk to them about their faith)

jen: i just read that.
[mock pilot announcment]
“if you’re a christian, raise your hand so non-christians can punch you in the face.”
sean: “i’ll be available after the flight so you can kick me in the groin. that’s all you dirty heathens.”
jen: “keep in mind that if the plane starts to depressurize, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling and the nonbelievers will go on to burn in hell.”
sean: “if your fellow passengers are buggering each other, please do not try to talk to them about christianity. no matter how many times they yell out ‘oh god, oh god!’ ”
jen: “and unless you’re a member of our frequent-flying clergy program, do not join in the buggering.”
sean: “buggering automatically forfeits your right to inflight peanuts, the terrible movie, and eternal salvation. well, if you enjoy it, that is.”
jen: “if you’ll look out the window, you should see a cloud formation that looks just like our holy virgin mother, bleeding out her eyes!”
sean: “and directly below; the sinners of san francisco. i’d ask you all to spit out the window, but i’ve been told, repeatedly, that this is a bad idea. so please, instead, wish for their quick death and eternal damnation in your nightly prayers.”

Boy & Dog

(jess talking with alex about housing possibilities in Hayward)

jess: you might want to look at B street.
alex: B as in boy? or D as in dog?
jess: boy as in dog.
alex: *laughs maniacally*
jess (realizing error): *laughs* i mean B as in boy!
sean (listening in, messaged to alex): my girlfriend doesn’t know the alphabet.
alex: awesome funny.
sean: it’s only embarassing when we play scrabble. the rest of the time, it’s ok.

Coffin Stereos

(online conversation via broadcast messages)

Steve: anyone else hear those sirens on campus?
Sean: some power transformer blow up again or something?
Jen: if you all die, I get your stereos
Steve: granted
Alex: i’d like to be burried with my stereo playing ‘tell me something good’
Sean: much better choice than queen’s ‘another one bites the dust’.
Tobin: I’d like to be buried with my stereo playing ‘let’s get it on’
Sean: maybe we should get into the business of coffin tunes. tobin tries to sell them on something innappropriate, and one of us plays the consoling sensitive one who sells them ‘Stairway to Heaven’ instead. it’s foolproof
Tobin: what’s that smell? that smells like… like… brilliance!
Alex: as if a coffin playing stairway to heaven ISN’T inappropriate
Sean: it’ll seem downright poetic next to tobin’s ‘me so horny’ suggestion
Tobin: ooh… we could start with an exhumation special, for those who were unfortunately buried without a soundtrack
Sean: ‘their afterlife will not be one of silent rotting any longer’. that’ll be our motto
Tobin: and we could have different packages, rotting to the oldies, rott and roll or make your own ‘decomposition composition’

The Burger King of England

lamont: Taco Bell has no bell
demonhood: mcdonalds is not irish
demonhood: or scottish even
lamont: Pizza Hut is run by humans not Hutts
demonhood: there is no royalty at burger king
lamont: Jack in the Box and Carl’s Junior are both utterly perverse names
demonhood: wendy’s doesn’t even serve wendy burgers anymore
lamont: And In and Out is no longer what “a hamburger is all about” They’re changing the name to “In and then snuggle a bit”
demonhood: subway lives above ground
lamont: Marie Calendar’s doesn’t know what month it is
demonhood: sizzler boils everything
lamont: Dairy Queen isn’t actually run by lactose intolerant gay men.
demonhood: panda express food is comprised entirely of pandas that weren’t fast enough to get away
lamont: Del Taco is not truly “Of the Taco”
demonhood: olive garden salts the earth after they’ve gotten their produce
lamont: Little Cesaer’s is all that remains of the Roman empire.
demonhood: dominoes builds too closely to tall unstable neighboring establishments
lamont: Don Jose isn’t really a Don
demonhood: Red Robin’s carpet doesn’t match the drapes
lamont: Black Angus is white.
demonhood: outback steakhouse uses indoor plumbing
lamont: Chili’s doesn’t use real baby backs.
lamont: Long John Silvers wears boxers.
demonhood: foster’s freeze serves warm food too
lamont: White Castle is more of a fort.
demonhood: the owner of Chevy’s prefers Fords
lamont: Dunkin’ Donuts can only do layups
demonhood: Krispy Kremes was actually started by a man named Krispy.