sean: two things I hate – Hitler and yogurt!
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Lopaka
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Jen
Steve: I’m drowning in worcestershire sauce!
Jen: Delicious death.
Steve: Delicious like a foxburger! -
Sean
(while discussing medical form letters letting you know if
A) [ ] you’re going to die from a horrible disease or
B) [ ] it’s not a tumor)alex: that’s be great if the ‘x’ that marks the box was kind of in two boxes and you weren’t sure what the diagnosis was.
sean: “damnit. i’m not sure if i have cancer or if i just voted for pat buchanon” -
Sean
(overheard outside a restaurant)
Man: Nah, it won’t work out. Preschool teachers never give you a happy ending.
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Sean
(overheard while eating lunch)
Guy 1: I mean, you can stick a lit cigarette up your ass and nothing will happen.
Guy 2: Well, you might get burned.
Guy 1: Sure, but the filter should help with that. -
Jen
Spoken part of Cyprus Hill song: “Lotta sharks out there, lookin’ to get ahead…”
Dawn: Hmmm…sharks. That’s a metaphor. -
Jen
Coworker 1: Chicks dig C++.
Coworker 2: Not C, though.
1: Not C?
2: No way, man. C’s just…*shrugs*. But C++ is like, ninja shit. -
Sean
Randall: Ok, another homeless person with a laptop? He isn’t getting my change.
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Sean
(turning a corner in the car, a few women cross the street in front of us)
Brad: Moooooooo!!!
Josh: Awww. Hey now.
Brad: Don’t worry Josh, she’ll still be warm for another 45 minutes after you hit her with the car. -
Billy
Billy:It’s 3:30 the backside is closed by now.
Wes:The backside is always open for business! -
Alex
* watching exercise equipment infomercial with CHUCK NORRIS and CHRISTY BRINKLEY *
Christy Brinkley: It’s been a tough day of working out, Chuck!
Chuck Norris: It sure has been!Sean: Hahahaha… “has beens.”
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Sean
jen: it’s like finding an easter egg made of hilarious.
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Jen
[Dawn shows off her new driver’s license picture.]
Randall: Wow, you look kind of fat.
(Everyone is shocked.)
Randall: I mean, because you’re actually so skinny… I should think before I talk. -
Jen
Frink: I don’t like nuts. They make my mouth itch.
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Sean
(while discussing Thanksgiving versus other holidays)
Lee: Yeah, I’ve heard that Thanksgiving has the most babies consumed out of all the holidays.
Sean, Tessa, Max: {blank stare}
Lee: Conceived! Babies conceived! I don’t eat babies! -
Lopaka
(Lopaka, Shasta, Andy and Dorothy at a sushi restaurant, Shasta was the only person given a knife and fork)
Shasta: Is this because I’m white?
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Jen
(Note: Stephen is 21 years old.)
Stephen (answering a quiz question): Men in Black?
Jen: Nope. You’re close.
Stephen: Men in Black II.
Jen: Right.
Stephen: Sheesh. Who knew numbers were sooooo important? I didn’t. That’s why I’m 43 years old. -
Sean
Billy: Damnit, I’m still waiting for a steak knife to cut this meat.
Sean (jokingly reaching for his pocket): You can borrow my knife if you want.
Billy: Ha, I just might at this point.
Sean: On second thought, you don’t know where it’s been.
Billy: Oh yeah?
Sean: Yeah, you’d be cutting your food and then say “Hey, this tastes like homeless person!”
Alex
steve m: ouch. boner burn!
Alex
sean: as long as it ends in a threesome, i don’t care.
Sean
(the phone rings)
Sean: Hello, this is Sean.
Vanessa: Hi Sean. Um, do you have a key to the president’s office?
Sean: Yeah, why?
Vanessa: Can you come down here and unlock it? I have to put stickers on condoms.
Sean: Uh, ok then.
Sean
(standing in a group outside. a political operative approaches us, handing us free water with the label advertising for a local judicial candidate.)
Shasta: Wait, I don’t know this guy. What if it’s evil poisoned republican water?
Sean
lora: always nice to open up a webpage and see ‘dick bread’
Sean
(Andy traps a small moth in a glass at dinner.)
(20 minutes pass)
Sean: (taps glass) I think it’s dead. You killed it Andy, how does that make you feel?
Andy: Um…superior?
Max
While discussing employment options
Rick–“I’ve given up on jobs where I have to wear pants”
Tessa
Tessa: you’re such a prick!
Max: I am not, I’m only a pretend one.
Tessa: So does that make you a dildo?
Sean
madeline: maybe i’ll get early adult onset….um….um….
sean: Alzheimer’s?
madeline: oh my god! i forgot the word for Alzheimer’s!
Sean
from another site:
The Two Things about World Conquest:
1. Divide and Conquer.
2. Never invade Russia in the winter.
from jen and sean:
3. “Never get in a land war in Asia”
4. Never challenge a Sicilian, when death is on the line.
5. “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ….. ha! *dead*
6. Poison both the goblets.
7. Build up immunity to iocaine powder.
8. Call bitchy ex-girlfriend a tramp.
9. Slap supposed kidnapper.
10. Roll down hill.
11. “As….you…..wiiiiiishhhhh!”
12. Wonder what you saw in that horsey-faced girl in the first place.
13. Choose girl over rodents of unusual size. But it was close.
14. Be a man of action. Lies do not become you.
15. Get year of life sucked out of you. It tingles.
16. Go back to the beginning.
17. Albinos have soft heads.
18. “Mawwiage.”
19. Holocaust cloaks are handy for bbqs and party tricks.
20. Only be mostly dead.
21. True love and gambling are closely related.
22. I’m not a witch, I’m your wife.
23. “Good luck storming the castle!”
24. Destroy your perfect breasts.
25. “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die.”
26. “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die. Ouch.”
27. “Stop saying that!”
28. Offer him money.
29. Offer him power.
30. Offer him anything.
30. Offer him everything he asks for and more.
31. He wants his father back, you son of a bitch.
32. Kill him. Revenge is sweet.
33. Threaten to cut off the prince’s appendages. Minus the ears.
34. Nah, he’s bluffing.
35. “Drop….your….sword.”
36. Wet yourself.
37. Collapse onto bed as girlfriend and lackey tie up bad guy.
38. Wonder why girlfriend is so dense.
39. Hope girlfriend is more enlightened in bed.
(After all this crap, she’d better be the Mata Hari.)
40. Hey, four white horses.
41. That story wasn’t so bad Columbo..err..granddad.
42. The end. Or is it? (Dum dum dummmmmm)
43. Cue studio exec, 15 years later, pitching idea for “The Princess Daughter” about 15 year old rebelling against her parents. She runs away and has an adventure with Inigo and the gentle giant now played by Hulk Hogan.
Lopaka
sean: the whole day has been about paka’s hot dog!
Alex
discussing a bizarro group of friends, just like ours
sean: we should fight them.
alex: do you have any idea what that could do to the universe?
sean: screw the universe, this is about reputation.
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