(a group of 11-13 year olds block half the bike path while standing on their scooters)
Sarah (biking by): You’re blocking the path.
13 year old kid: Shut up!
(Sarah glares back at them)
Sarah: No you shut up!
Dogs, War, Mass Murder
(standing in line for movie festival tickets)
Older Man: Ok if I bring my dogs to the movie?
Everyone: <laughs>
Older Man: I love dogs. Maybe I’ll bring a dozen.
Employee: I’m sure they’d enjoy it.
(20 seconds later)
Older Man: I had a chance, during high school, to kill people that ate dogs.
Everyone: …
Older Man: 2.4 million civilians. US Government sent us.
Everyone: …
Older Man: Vietnam. They still eat dogs today.
He shakes his head, seemingly disgusted.
Older Man: Delicious.
Alex My appreciation of Hugh Jackman came to…
Alex: My appreciation of Hugh Jackman came to completion in that…wait. No, not that way…
after a concert as the stage lights and…
{after a concert as the stage, lights and instruments are being broken down}
Dude (calling out to a roadie): Hey! Can I get his sticks?
Roadie (looking around): Sorry, none here.
Dude (thinking): Ok. Can I have his Powerade?
The roadie looks at the half empty bottle of blue Powerade near the drummer’s kit.
Roadie (shaking his head): That’s too weird.
{5 minutes later a less scrupulous roadie gave it to him.}
Sarah Oh my god It just shit a…
Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!
What COULDN’T he do with one?
{a woman talking VERY loudly during a phone conversation}
Woman: He spent a lot of money on that boat. He deserves to ride it!
[pause]
Woman: What the hell is he gonna do with a gerbil?
Fashion Police
(after some jokes involving knives & hobos in which it is insinuated that Sean is stabby)
Dave: Better be careful with the way you dress Sarah. Sean might mistake you for a hobo.
(awkward murdering silence as everyone examines Sarah’s attire)
I Keep My Beard Tidy
(a college-aged woman stands outside a supermarket with a clipboard. random guy approaches)
Woman: Excuse me sir, do you have a minute to save our oceans from pollution?
Man (stopping): Save our oceans from what?
Woman: From ocean pollution.
The man stares at her blankly. He’s stuck.
Man: Yeah, I have no idea what that is.
Woman (mouth slightly open): Ok. Thanks for your time.
It was the Texture
Sarah: Why did we come into the mall?
Sean: Because we hate people?
Steve: Hating people burns a lot of calories. Look at Hitler, he wasn’t overweight.
Sean: Wasn’t he a vegetarian though?
Steve: That may have had something to do with it.
Sean: I wonder why he didn’t eat meat. It certainly wasn’t for moral reasons.
Barely Worse than the Flu
Satya: He told me it was a really mild case of Ebola.
(later)
Satya: After he left I sprayed the whole place down with Lysol.
Especially for the Slug
Sarah: Nothing takes the romance out of a moment like stepping on a slug.
(runs off into the bathroom to wipe off her foot)
The Circle of Hipster Life
(two hipster skater guys at breakfast)
Guy:Would you like to see the Lion King 3D with me tonight? I’ll hold your hand.
For the Science Fair
(guy standing in the street, talking on his phone)
Guy: What is it? Um, well, it’s a beer pong tournament. You know, for school.
Assorted Chicken Parts
(employee trying to upsell additional items at a chinese restaurant)
Employee: Would you like our bbq chicken?
Beth: Is it white meat or dark meat?
Employee: It’s teriyaki!
Dick Panini
Jen: i think we have plans to go look at cars
Sean: babymobiles?
Jen: REGULAR CARS
Sean: dodge minivan complete with a BABY ON BOARD placard
Jen: eat ten dicks
Sean: that’s so many. i’m not even hungry
Jen:well you should have thought of that before you got all smarty on me
now you got ten dicks and they ain’t gonna eat themselves
which reminds me it’s time for me to go get a sandwich
Sean: haha dick sandwich
Jen: hey whatever helps you get the dicks down
For Water or Milk
(While driving down the road, past a woman carrying 2 large empty water bottles)
Sarah (screaming out the window): Nice jugs!
Beg for More
Jen: you just need to do one impulsively ill advised thing, and see what it tastes like.
(hopefully it won’t taste like hobo cock.)
With Teeth
(passing by a college student on her phone)
Woman: No no. I was surrounded by a bunch of pretentious cunts.
Thats How it Sticks
Christine: Well, I licked it once so I could reattach the hat.
Well That’s OK Then
Bicycle Cop: So, what are you on parole for?
Heavily Tattooed Guy: Um…assault with a deadly weapon.
Cop: Was it a gun?
Guy: What?
Cop: The assault, did you use a gun?
Guy: Oh no, it was a bottle.
Cop (visibly relaxing): Oh, ok then.
Peel Em Early
Billy: I like em really young and raw.
So they don’t taste like bananas.
Porn Cookies
Devin (impatient): Yes Katie Morgan is hot. Now let’s get some fucking cookies.
Small Openings
(as hundreds of bikeriders participating in the annual Fiesta Cruiser Ride try to pass over a narrow bridge, causing everyone to slow down and walk their bikes)
Guy in underpants and bright red boots: Hey, I like it tight, but this is ridiculous!
Multiple Choice
(students chatting about classes and tests)
Excitable Student: Oh man, I love multiple choice. I always pass those. Scantrons and all that. Multiple choice is my shit!
Cuddle Hamster Monsters
(The rat pee talk continues)
Jen: seriously tho, rats do that. remember to wash your hands the next time you cuddle a hamster.
Sean: i will remember that, next time i cuddle a hamster. which will be never.
i hope
Jen: i used to cuddle our hamster. but i always washed my hands.
Sean: or wore mittens
Jen: no, because then you have to wash the mittens
sometimes it is just better to get the pee all over your hands.
Sean: you’re right, that’s a pain. and then they’d be all faded when they’re pinned to your jacket
Jen: no, hamsters don’t enjoy being pinned to a jacket
Sean: “Now Jen, don’t forget your hamster for show and tell.” *PINNED*
Jen: it’s nicer to tie two hamsters to a long string and then feed them through the sleeves of your jacket
Don’t Pee in the Gatoroid
(Discussing Debbie Gibson and Tiffany starring in a new movie called “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”)
Sean: the title is dangerously close to getting me excited about buying some electrolytes tho
Jen: wouldn’t a gatoroid be a smaller version of a gator?
like a meteoroid?
Sean: good question
Jen: or a metroid?
Sean: it could also be a gator on steroids
or a gator/android
or a gator who drank too much gatorade
Jen: i dunno about the steroids
a gator who has to pee like, all the time
“I had the flu last week and now I can’t stop peeing, chomp chomp”
Sean: “It makes me so angry I could stomp on this stupid town. Also, I hope my human enemies don’t use this trail of pee to track me.”
Jen: i find it interesting that you interpret gators as rodents in this scenario, peeing in trails all over the place
Sean: everything pees, not just rodents. but yes, my closest gator association is the batman villain who lived in the sewers. so, close enough
Jen: i know everything pees, but rodents pee all the time to mark their way around
i mean, do YOU pee all the time so you can find your way back to your burrow?
Sean: no, i have gps for that
Jen: hahaha
P.S.
Global Peeing System
Too Bad There are Only Ten of Them
Sarah: Mmm, this is the best my fingers have ever tasted.
That’s Not Racial Transcendence, Pt. 2
Jen: Hey, nobody’s talking about the Klan here. I just indicated that us white people had a meeting where we decided what kinds of actors we like.
Torrell: That’s true, Mexicans do the same thing.
Jen: La Raza!
Torrell: No, we get our business done at quinceañeras.
That’s Not Racial Transcendence, Pt. 1
Jen: What are you watching?
Torrell: Marine 2.
Jen: Who’s in it?
Torrell: I don’t know. You might recognize him, though. He looks like the kind of action-type actor that white people would like.
(After careful consideration of the main character.)
Jen: Nope, sorry. I don’t recognize that guy. He must not have been at the last white peoples’ meeting.
Torrell: You’re talking about the Klan, right?
Playing Doctor
(while looking at an April Fools day issue of a newspaper)
Brian: Retirement home brothel. Ha. Christine, check out who wrote the article. {hands her the paper}
Christine (reading): Anna Linjection? Who’s that?