Sean (via IM): man, why does everyone have a monkey to love but me?!
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Jen
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Shasta
–In Vons, Move-In Week at UCSB–
Slim, tan co-ed to her friends: I wish I was anorexic. Then I wouldn’t have to go grocery shopping.
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Sean
Jen: i like that on netflix, they list Keith Carradine as costarring in Deadwood in every single episode.
Sean: the spirit of buffalo bill lives on!
Jen: they should say “Co-stars Keith Carradine* (*Keith Carradine fans should prepare for disappointment.)”
Sean: the head of his fan club should file a complaint
Jen: “where’s keith carradine???” “watch episode 2” “nooooooooooo!”
Sean: “i’m running dangerously low on carradine, as required by my doctor”
Jen: it’s what you take when you’re feeling melodramatic
Jen: “what do i have, doctor?” “you have a case of the Shut the Hell Ups. take some carradine.”
Sean: for the small cases, he prescribes carradine with added david essense. -
Sean
Jen: well obviously i’m not getting nude in the office, but there’s definitely a psycho dance vibe here
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Max
::While walking single file up a path::
Max: Sara you dropped…
Sara: Is there something wrong with my ass?!
Max:…your cigarettes. -
Sean
(inside local restaurant – lunchtime)
Christine (sniffing): Hey, it smells like bacon in here.
Shasta (sniffing): Hmm, It does smell like bacon.
*Shasta spots a uniformed police officer grabbing a soda a few feet away.*
Christine: Yeah, totally smells like bacon.
Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh.
Christine: What? Why?
Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh. I’ll explain in a minute.
*The cop leaves* -
Sean
(the mocking sean hour continues)
jen: do you wear the sorting hat when you go online to harry potter sex chatrooms?
sean: how do you think i get all the witches?
jen: i really don’t want to think about that
“I sort you into the house that dances around a little and takes off your clothes, and I sort you two into the house that gets a little drunk and makes out with each other at parties, and I sort you to the house that sits on my lap and laughs hilariously at everything I say. Accio condoms!” -
Stephenh
A woman at work: “I don’t wear a helmet to go to the bathroom.”
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Sean
(as a Gunther concert lets out and the crowd disperses)
Random Male Student: I’m not sure yet. He did ask me to taste his semen.
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Sean
Stephen: you should have written the tag line for leprechaun 6. the current one is “evil has a whole new rap!” i know some white guy in a neckerchief wrote that.
Sean: he wore a special green neckerchief the day that he wrote that. you know, for inspirationSean: Leprechaun 7: Lady Lumps “Somewhere over the rainbow, even an evil leprechaun can find love!”
Stephen: Leprechaun 8: Off the Chain?
Sean: Leprechaun 9: Miami Style starring David Caruso and his sunglasses
Stephen: Leprechaun 10: Spreadin’ the Cheese
Sean: Leprechaun 11: Bam! Killin’ it up a notch
Stephen: Leprechaun 12: One Death to a Baker’s Dozen
Sean: Leprechaun 13: Sifting through the Blood of Time
Stephen: Leprechaun 14: Overkill!
Sean: Leprechaun 15: Leprechaun vs. The Tooth Fairy
Stephen: Leprechaun 16: 16 Ways to Die in Ireland
Sean: Leprechaun 17: Fall of the Gold Market
Stephen: Leprechaun 18: Thoughts and Feelings
Sean: Leprechaun 19: Chillin’ at Walden PondStephen: Leprechaun XX: Keep the Dream Alive
Sean: Leprechaun XXI: Roman Bathhouse Battle Royale
Stephen: Leprechaun XXII: Green to Red, Live to Dead
Stephen: it’d be shaped as an X — the “to” in the middle, and the title as the cross pieces. so just one “to”
Sean: Leprechaun XXIII: Halloscream’s Eve
Stephen: Leprechaun XXIV: Bruce Willis Cameo
Sean: Leprechaun XXV: Electric Boogaloo
Stephen: Leprechaun XXVI: Counting Rose Petals
Sean: Leprechaun XXVII: Where For Art Thou Gold
Stephen: Leprechaun XXVIII: Moonlighting
Sean: Leprechaun XXIX: Shorties Killing ShortiesStephen: Leprechaun xXx: xXx Vs. Leprechaun
Sean: Leprechaun XXXI: Enemy Combatant
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXII: Tending Bar
Sean: Leprechaun XXXIII: Down & Out & Paying Child Support
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXIV: XXXIV Ways to Die in Ireland
Sean: Leprechaun XXXV: Corned Beef with a Side of Blood
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXVI: Leprechaun’s Run
Sean: Leprechaun XXXVII: Return of the Platinum Pirate
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXVIII: Legendary
Sean: Leprechaun XXXIX: Too X to HandleStephen: Leprechaun XXXX: Not a Lawn Gnome, 4 Reelz
Sean: actually, it’s XL
Stephen: doh!
Stephen: Leprechaun XLI: Letters and Numbers
Sean: Leprechaun XLII: Dysfunctional Family Reunion
Stephen: Leprechaun XLIII: Owen Wilson Plays Himself
Sean: Leprechaun XLIV: LIVe Green or Die
Stephen: Leprechaun XLV: Wicked Workout
Sean: Leprechaun XLVI: Killin to the Oldies
Stephen: Leprechaun XLVII: Causality
Sean: Leprechaun XLVIII: Occam’s Razor…..of Pain
Stephen: Leprechaun XLIX: Speeding Zalicks
Sean: Leprechaun L: Lusty Lesbians -
Sean
Madeline: i don’t trust anyone who sucks at blowjobs in my kitchen.
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Sean
(While Alex and Billy are getting ready to go out.)
Alex: I really love blowjobs.
Billy (sultry): Close the door.
Alex (to everyone waiting in the hall): I’ll be 30 seconds.
{the door closes} -
Max
:While Sitting in line at the drive-thru:
“I hate that I want penis”- Sarah
“They stopped serving that at ten”-Max -
Max
::While Discussing talking food the conversation turned to Snap Crackle and Pop::
“Its hard to eat a breakfast cereal when its in its death throes”
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Mika
Humidity, on the other hand, has no opinion of rubberbands.
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Lopaka
Sean: Nobody watches German films…only perverts.
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Sean
Vy: You know. It’s like when you wake up, and your butt hurts, and you don’t know why.
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Sean
jen: giant squid used up all my jergens!
sean: i tried to tell you! they’re totally selfish
jen: it’s because of giant squid that i buy jergens to keep on my desk, and my own good lotion to keep in my desk.
sean: smart. -
Jen
Alien vs Predator Game hits a snag in the retelling
Jen: I feel bad that gremlins got cut. maybe we SHOULD take out terminator. Wait – I know how to resolve this. Gremlins vs. Terminator!
Sean: That’d take a shitload of gremlins.
Jen: Fine, fine: A Shitload of Gremlins vs The Original Terminator!
Sean: They’d probably fiddle with his circuitry before he could squish them all. Gremlins win!
Jen: That’s a movie I’d like to see. -
Sean
Alien Vs. Predator – The Game!
jen: here are the rules: somebody offers up somebody or something to fight against Alien. the other person decides the winner.
jen: I’ll start: Alien versus Sasquatch!
sean: oooh, tough one. as long as the alien didn’t get the drop on sassy, i think he could crush the alien with his raw power. but it’d be close.
sean: Alien vs. the original Terminator!
jen: wow, that’s tough. i’d give it to Alien in that one. original Terminator was kind of a puss. once some acid blood got on him, he’d be a big puddle.
jen: Alien versus Fluffy Kittens!
sean: hehe. alien, while temporarily distracted by their supreme cuteitude, regretfully dispatches of the fluffy kittens.
jen: and Fluffy Kittens vs. Predator?
sean: the predator doesn’t attack unarmed and defenseless creatures. he’d put them on craigslist and find them a good home. besides, their pelt would be too small to be a suitable trophy
jen: hm, ok. what if it was fluffy kittens with bombs strapped to their tummies?
sean: predator would laser them from afar. the little puffs of exploding fur would sadden him slightly
sean: Alien vs. Ghostbusters!
jen: Alien. he is not made out of ectoplasm.(later that evening)
jen: Alien vs. The Human Condition!
sean: Alien vs. ennui!
jen: Alien versus Seasonal Affective Disorder!
sean: Alien vs. the Catholic Church!
jen: Alien as religious revolutionary… 🙂 Alien versus the Heartbreak of Genital Herpes!
sean: Alien vs. Doris the Ex-Girlfriend! “i told you it’s over. stop calling here!”
jen: Alien versus Billy Idol!
sean: Alien would fear the sneer. 🙂 Alien vs. Prince!
jen: Alien
sean: i guess not even Prince’s space age guitar phallus can defeat the Alien
jen: no, but if it was prince vs predator, the answer would be: funk. -
Sean
Phil S.: -6
Phil S.: wtf!?
Phil S.: i mant
Phil S.: :!
Phil S.: omg!
Phil S.: i can’t even smilie tonight
Sean: you’re defective -
Lopaka
(Christine debates whether or not to go on a cruise.)
Christine: I need a cabin-mate.
Shasta: I’ll get Vince to go.
Christine: Ok, but if I’m changing, he has to go into the bathroom. If he sees boob then I’m never going back to work again. -
Sean
{when asked what she was doing wandering the halls}
Ellie: they were all on the phone. and i was bored. so i stole a giraffe.
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Sean
{while discussing a concert put on by a local radio station}
Jen: “coming up next, another reminder why you’re not going to buy a ticket to Winter Roundup! our new emo band, Peanut Butter Agonizing!”
Sean: “but first, another track from ‘I Cut Myself’. here’s their latest, I Cry Behind My Thick Glasses.”
Jen: “after that, the new song She Won’t Text Me Back (So I’ll Just Keep Calling) by ‘Leaf Litter Rising'”
Sean: “opening for our winter roundup will be the up and coming ‘Musica Obscurica’. you may have heard their hit single Life is Hollow and Bleak (And I’m the Only One that Knows).” -
Sean
(While playing Texas Hold-em poker)
{Max turns over a 4 on the flop}
Steve Y.: Damnit! That’s the meat in my pancakes.
Everyone: You eat meat in your pancakes? -
Sean
ruth: doesn’t a bathhouse just scream rimjobs?
madeline: you gotta think if you scream “rimjob” at a bathhouse, you’ve a good chance of getting one.
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Sean
(sexy sci-fi what-ifs)
sean: i need my ladies to be at least 50% pure human lady
jen: well, you’re picky.
jen: bisexual mosquito ladies need love too
sean: her one quarter mosquito instincts might decide to exsanguinate me in bed. i can’t take that risk.
jen: um….heh. are you sure?
sean: ladysquitos and vampires are risky. the sex would have to be really good.
jen: exsanguination.
jen: in bed.
sean: all that blood loss, i’d have to buy new sheets
jen: SEXSANGUINATION! i can’t believe i have to spell this out for you. -
Sean
(hick battle)
Jen: they are making sweet love to their cousins down there, boy.
Sean: they wouldn’t dare!
Jen: they bring them flowers and candies and hope they get to cousin third base
Sean: they’re a blue drop in a sea of red. they’ve got to set examples
Jen: which they always do, cause those cousins are loose
Sean: referring to it as “cousin third base” is probably enough to do it. they’d laugh so hard they’d never notice being disrobed.not that that ever happens, of course
Jen: “hahahaha…wait, my vagina”
“cousin jethro, are you up to no good agin?”
also, little known fact: cousin third base is actually equivalent to regular person home run, except with your cousin. cousin home run is when you have a baby with your cousin.
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