Perks of the Job

Steve: My new balls arrived today, the bright yellow ones are very tacky. Like, they stick to each other a lot.
Jen: You tell me about your balls a lot.
Steve: I’ve only told you about my balls twice, I think. At least in recent memory.
Jen: Twice seems like a lot when it’s your brother telling you about how sticky and yellow they are, I guess.
Steve: Hahaha. It sounds dirty when you put it like that.
Jen: What, it JUST started sounding dirty? What’s it like being the vice president of Candyland?
Steve: Pretty sweet.

Tornadic

Sean: someone on the news just said “tornadic activity”
Jen: i think that’s something that happens when your gall bladder produces too much bile
Sean: that’s…horrific
Jen: or else it’s where a dog’s stomach gets twisted and the vet has to go unwind it
and when the vet is in there he finds out the dog has also been eating pennies
that is called a Penny Tornado

Frumpy Sexy Sorceror

Jen: there is an ad on a webpage that says “Shop Now! Adult Costumes”, but the lady in the picture is fully clothed and dressed as just a slightly bosomy Queen of Hearts
so i am confused. is this an online store for grown-up sized costumes, or a store where i can buy costumes to make me look like a slut?

Sean: grown up costumes for people that want to go out for halloween, but not be slutty.
also available – non-sexy librarian

Jen: nobody likes stores like that

Sean: frumpy teacher

Jen: Professional Nurse

Sean: ha. she’s good at her job, she doesn’t need to be a whore

Jen: Inhumanoid Alien

Sean: Grouchy Policewoman

Jen: Policewoman with Practical Boots

Alien 0: Rise of the Riser

(discussing the possibility of an Alien prequel)

Jen: prequel? who could possibly be interested in that crap
Jen: Alien 0: Gassing Up the Nostromo
Alien 0: Some Random Aliens Crashed into a Planet

Sean: Alien 0: Man, Tom Skerritt looks old
Alien 0: Ripley Picks out a Cat at the Intergalactic Humane Society

Jen: Alien 0: Suspicious New Doctor
Alien 0: Ripley Plans a Birthday Party for Next Year

Sean: we’ll see her opening up a storage bag with some of those trick birthday candles in it.
but the joke will be on her.
since, ya know, it’s like 80 years later.

Jen: it was her daughter’s birthday
“wah wah wah, i promised her i’d be home for her 10th birthday! wah wah wah, daughter is dead.”

Sean: that’ll teach her to procreate and then get attacked by an unscrupulous robot doctor controlled by a mega-corporation hellbent on studying an interesting but deadly new creature

Jen: Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit!
seriously that step 3 was always the problem for me with the aliens.
Step 1: Aliens.
Step 2: Paul Reiser.

Sean: Step 3 involved leaving the room and snorting a lot of coke

Jen: that’s some good screenwriting.

Sun Worship

{while walking down steps to the local beach on a beautiful day}

Overly tan woman (enthusiastically): Hey! You guys must be down here to get a tan!
[Sean and Dawn look at their own pale skin]
Tan woman (still enthusiastic): Are you here from one of the cold countries?!
[Awkward pause]
Dawn: Um…no.
[Tan woman walks away, undoubtedly to tell all her friends how people from the “cold countries” are albino jerks.]

It’s My New IceBreaker

(Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club)

Christine: Tyler, you’re really sweaty.
Tyler: Christine, you DON’T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much.
*shocked pause*
Tyler (gesturing): Hey Sean, come listen to what I just told Christine!

Magic Eye Boobs

(Jen is wearing a dress with a small busy pattern.)

Steve: Your dress is making me dizzy.
Jen: Sorry, I never realized, since I don’t have to look at it.
Steve: It’s like one of those posters with the hidden picture in it.
Jen: Ha ha, Magic Eye! Yeah, I’ve got a sailboat hidden over here on my shoulder.
Steve (making graphic hand gestures): Does it make, like, your boobs look bigger?
Jen: HELLO? Inappropriate!
Steve (musing): That would be GREAT.

Just the Rudest

a man wearing a cowboy hat at a night club approaches Jen from behind. he stands inches away, dancing suggestively behind her

Christine: Jen, don’t turn around.
Jen turns around.
Jen (to the cowboy): Fuck off! You’re so very rude! Fuck off!
Cowboy stammers a bit, then leaves.

later

Cowyboy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.
Jen: Then stop being rude!

even later

Cowboy (holding unlit cigarette): Hey, do you guys have a light?
Jen, Christine, Sean: No!

Vagina 2.0

(while discussing what to doodle at our next pub quiz night)

Jen: i thought of a way better idea for the back of Sheet 4 tomorrow
“TRUE and INTERESTING Facts About Vaginas Not Appearing in Tonight’s Program”

1) “The modern day vagina was invented in 1832 by George Washington Carver, who also discovered over 300 uses for the peanut and invented the pickled egg.”

2) “True Fact! Many famous celebrities have a strong vagina heritage. Two you may have heard of are Famous Hollywood Actors Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, who underwent extensive plastic surgery to be more “camera friendly”

“They would later go on to found Planet Hollywood, a famous vagina restaurant chain.”

Sean: “Filled with the world’s best vagina paraphernalia hanging on the walls.”

3) “After the women’s suffragist movement of the early 20th century, vaginas started coming in 31 different flavors. This was the inspiration for the Baskin Robbins chain of ice cream shops.”

Jen: “Early favorites: strawberry, pistachio, musk.”

Sean: hehe. “Early rejected flavors: saltwater taffy, avocado, tobacco”