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  • Sean 1:09 pm on January 22, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    (a college couple observes a bunch of male students playing soccer in the mud)

    Boyfriend: Eww.
    Girlfriend: They’re probably rich kids. They can afford to do laundry.
    Boyfriend: Oh.

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  • Sean 3:19 pm on January 20, 2010 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , tornadic,   

    Sean: someone on the news just said “tornadic activity”
    Jen: i think that’s something that happens when your gall bladder produces too much bile
    Sean: that’s…horrific
    Jen: or else it’s where a dog’s stomach gets twisted and the vet has to go unwind it
    and when the vet is in there he finds out the dog has also been eating pennies
    that is called a Penny Tornado

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  • Sean 1:46 pm on November 12, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , smurfs   

    (while talking on the phone)

    Sarah: So you want me to pick you up some blueberry oatmeal?
    Sean: What? Did you say bloobies?
    Sarah: No. What are bloobies?
    Sean: Sounds like a combination of blueberry and boobies.
    Sarah: Ugh.
    Sean: Smurf tits!
    Sarah: You’re disgusting.

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  • Sean 4:15 pm on October 16, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: adult material, costumes   

    Jen: there is an ad on a webpage that says “Shop Now! Adult Costumes”, but the lady in the picture is fully clothed and dressed as just a slightly bosomy Queen of Hearts
    so i am confused. is this an online store for grown-up sized costumes, or a store where i can buy costumes to make me look like a slut?

    Sean: grown up costumes for people that want to go out for halloween, but not be slutty.
    also available – non-sexy librarian

    Jen: nobody likes stores like that

    Sean: frumpy teacher

    Jen: Professional Nurse

    Sean: ha. she’s good at her job, she doesn’t need to be a whore

    Jen: Inhumanoid Alien

    Sean: Grouchy Policewoman

    Jen: Policewoman with Practical Boots

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  • Sean 4:18 pm on September 10, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , titles   

    (discussing the possibility of an Alien prequel)

    Jen: prequel? who could possibly be interested in that crap
    Jen: Alien 0: Gassing Up the Nostromo
    Alien 0: Some Random Aliens Crashed into a Planet

    Sean: Alien 0: Man, Tom Skerritt looks old
    Alien 0: Ripley Picks out a Cat at the Intergalactic Humane Society

    Jen: Alien 0: Suspicious New Doctor
    Alien 0: Ripley Plans a Birthday Party for Next Year

    Sean: we’ll see her opening up a storage bag with some of those trick birthday candles in it.
    but the joke will be on her.
    since, ya know, it’s like 80 years later.

    Jen: it was her daughter’s birthday
    “wah wah wah, i promised her i’d be home for her 10th birthday! wah wah wah, daughter is dead.”

    Sean: that’ll teach her to procreate and then get attacked by an unscrupulous robot doctor controlled by a mega-corporation hellbent on studying an interesting but deadly new creature

    Jen: Step 3: ???
    Step 4: Profit!
    seriously that step 3 was always the problem for me with the aliens.
    Step 1: Aliens.
    Step 2: Paul Reiser.

    Sean: Step 3 involved leaving the room and snorting a lot of coke

    Jen: that’s some good screenwriting.

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  • Sean 2:24 pm on July 14, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , shit   

    (while at a fancy dinner)

    Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!

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  • Sean 3:10 pm on June 12, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    (while discussing the FDA’s new power over cigarettes)

    Sean: They should separate the Drugs from the FDA. They should just do food.
    Brian: Right, so what does the FDA even regulate now?
    Sean: Things you put in your mouth?
    Brian: Bah. They should be the Food and Dick Administration.
    Sean: Uhh…
    Brian: Wait, not that I put those in my mouth!

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  • Sarah 8:19 am on June 9, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: magical, sandwiches, turkey   

    Sean (said with a lilting lisp): “It’s a sandwich from Turkey Island. It’s a magical place where turkeys roam free and then turn into sandwiches.”

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  • Sarah 11:01 am on June 4, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: pinkies   

    Me: “Fuck! I just cmd-Q’d firefox on accident AGAIN!”
    Sean: “You should look into smaller fingers.”
    Me: “Are you saying I have fat pinkies!”

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  • Sean 1:57 pm on April 8, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: insult, tan   

    {while walking down steps to the local beach on a beautiful day}

    Overly tan woman (enthusiastically): Hey! You guys must be down here to get a tan!
    [Sean and Dawn look at their own pale skin]
    Tan woman (still enthusiastic): Are you here from one of the cold countries?!
    [Awkward pause]
    Dawn: Um…no.
    [Tan woman walks away, undoubtedly to tell all her friends how people from the “cold countries” are albino jerks.]

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  • Max 1:48 am on March 27, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: midgets, thailand   

    Chris: I should totally rent a midget!

    Max: You can’t “rent” a midget.

    Chris: Can I rent a dwarf?

    Max: You can’t rent people.

    Chris: I’ve been to Thailand, yes you can.

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  • Sean 3:52 pm on March 25, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    Christine: I can drive.
    Sean: Cool.
    Christine: So it’ll be you, me, Paka, Vince and Brian in my car.
    {Vince walks up}
    Christine: I’m gonna be in a man sandwich all day!
    Vince: What the hell!

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  • Sean 1:51 pm on March 11, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    (an asian sorority is giving out fundraiser fliers for Panda Express.)
    (meanwhile, in line)

    Girl (eyeing form in boyfriend’s hand): Do you really want to give them 20% of your money?
    Boyfriend: Hmm?
    Girl: You know. (whispers) The asians.

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  • Sarah 10:30 am on December 23, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: art walk, santa barbara, spanish   

    (At the Santa Barbara Sunday art walk by the beach, a vaguely hispanic vendor who’s definitely not speaking Spanish sells palm tree seed necklaces for $25)

    Middle-Aged White Guy: Veinte.
    Vendor: What? No, it’s $25.
    Middle-Aged White Guy: Veinte.
    Vendor: *sigh* Ok, $20.
    Middle-Aged White Guy: Gracias
    *pause*
    Middle-Aged White Guy: Vaya con dios.

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  • Sean 2:41 pm on October 6, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , zebras   

    (while driving through San Simeon, CA on Highway 1)
    Sarah: What the fuck?!
    Sean (surprised): What?
    {Sarah points out the window. Sean looks.}
    Sean: What the fuck?!

    {In a field to the side of the freeway are half a dozen Zebras, calmly grazing. ZEBRAS}

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  • Sean 3:19 pm on June 26, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , sweaty,   

    (Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club)

    Christine: Tyler, you’re really sweaty.
    Tyler: Christine, you DON’T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much.
    *shocked pause*
    Tyler (gesturing): Hey Sean, come listen to what I just told Christine!

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  • Anonymous 7:04 pm on May 30, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: waiting   

    (Heard by people in the lobby while I was complaining about an upgrade)

    Me: I don’t want to spend Friday night waiting for some dude to call!

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  • Jen 4:04 pm on May 30, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , dizzy   

    (Jen is wearing a dress with a small busy pattern.)

    Steve: Your dress is making me dizzy.
    Jen: Sorry, I never realized, since I don’t have to look at it.
    Steve: It’s like one of those posters with the hidden picture in it.
    Jen: Ha ha, Magic Eye! Yeah, I’ve got a sailboat hidden over here on my shoulder.
    Steve (making graphic hand gestures): Does it make, like, your boobs look bigger?
    Jen: HELLO? Inappropriate!
    Steve (musing): That would be GREAT.

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  • Jen 10:16 am on May 21, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    Jen: Creepy.
    Sean: It’s a small and creepy world.

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  • Jen 9:31 am on May 21, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: shy   

    Steve: I suspect that he misdiagnosed shyness as a hernia.

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  • Sean 11:12 pm on May 5, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: clubbing,   

    a man wearing a cowboy hat at a night club approaches Jen from behind. he stands inches away, dancing suggestively behind her

    Christine: Jen, don’t turn around.
    Jen turns around.
    Jen (to the cowboy): Fuck off! You’re so very rude! Fuck off!
    Cowboy stammers a bit, then leaves.

    later

    Cowyboy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.
    Jen: Then stop being rude!

    even later

    Cowboy (holding unlit cigarette): Hey, do you guys have a light?
    Jen, Christine, Sean: No!

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  • Sean 12:04 pm on April 3, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    Christine: So I was watching Kill Bill on TBS the other day, and they kept bleeping it when people said Uma Thurman’s character’s name. What was it?
    Brian: Cunty McDickerson.
    Christine: Oh. That is pretty bad. Makes sense they had to censor it.

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  • Sean 2:17 pm on April 1, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    Jen: the most deadly of octopus is as but a mewling baby in a death match with chuck norris when compared to the most mild-mannered of the vile squid.

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  • Sean 9:53 am on January 25, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    (while discussing sexual “oops” moments at the local pub)

    Brian: ‘Oops’ is a myth even in my most drunken moments. There’s no oops. That would be like a girl saying “Oops, I went down on you with my nostril!” True story, a girl did actually go down on me once with her nostril…

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  • Jen 10:46 am on December 24, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , war   

    Steve: I got an email from Matt yesterday. He said that nobody in his unit had ever seen “The Dark Crystal”.
    Jen: I thought you were going to say “real combat”.
    Steve: That too.

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  • Sean 4:24 pm on December 18, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    (white discussing what to doodle at our next pub quiz night)

    Jen: i thought of a way better idea for the back of Sheet 4 tomorrow
    “TRUE and INTERESTING Facts About Vaginas Not Appearing in Tonight’s Program”

    1) “The modern day vagina was invented in 1832 by George Washington Carver, who also discovered over 300 uses for the peanut and invented the pickled egg.”

    2) “True Fact! Many famous celebrities have a strong vagina heritage. Two you may have heard of are Famous Hollywood Actors Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, who underwent extensive plastic surgery to be more “camera friendly”

    “They would later go on to found Planet Hollywood, a famous vagina restaurant chain.”

    Sean: “Filled with the world’s best vagina paraphernalia hanging on the walls.”

    3) “After the women’s suffragist movement of the early 20th century, vaginas started coming in 31 different flavors. This was the inspiration for the Baskin Robbins chain of ice cream shops.”

    Jen: “Early favorites: strawberry, pistachio, musk.”

    Sean: hehe. “Early rejected flavors: saltwater taffy, avocado, tobacco”

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  • Max 5:59 pm on November 28, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , romance   

    (While discussing Romance Novels)
    Sara- “I don’t like having to hold a book while I masturbate”

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  • Jen 3:27 pm on October 31, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , monkey love   

    Sean (via IM): man, why does everyone have a monkey to love but me?!

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  • Shasta 9:41 pm on October 22, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: anorexia, coeds, ucsb   

    –In Vons, Move-In Week at UCSB–

    Slim, tan co-ed to her friends: I wish I was anorexic. Then I wouldn’t have to go grocery shopping.

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  • Sean 11:24 am on October 19, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: deadwood   

    Jen: i like that on netflix, they list Keith Carradine as costarring in Deadwood in every single episode.
    Sean: the spirit of buffalo bill lives on!
    Jen: they should say “Co-stars Keith Carradine* (*Keith Carradine fans should prepare for disappointment.)”
    Sean: the head of his fan club should file a complaint
    Jen: “where’s keith carradine???” “watch episode 2” “nooooooooooo!”
    Sean: “i’m running dangerously low on carradine, as required by my doctor”
    Jen: it’s what you take when you’re feeling melodramatic
    Jen: “what do i have, doctor?” “you have a case of the Shut the Hell Ups. take some carradine.”
    Sean: for the small cases, he prescribes carradine with added david essense.

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