Steve: My new balls arrived today, the bright yellow ones are very tacky. Like, they stick to each other a lot.
Jen: You tell me about your balls a lot.
Steve: I’ve only told you about my balls twice, I think. At least in recent memory.
Jen: Twice seems like a lot when it’s your brother telling you about how sticky and yellow they are, I guess.
Steve: Hahaha. It sounds dirty when you put it like that.
Jen: What, it JUST started sounding dirty? What’s it like being the vice president of Candyland?
Steve: Pretty sweet.
Recent Updates Page 2 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts
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Jen
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Sean
(douchey guy talking loudly on his phone)
Douche: Yeah, we have a great working environment. We do a ton of team-building exercises.
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Sean
(a college couple observes a bunch of male students playing soccer in the mud)
Boyfriend: Eww.
Girlfriend: They’re probably rich kids. They can afford to do laundry.
Boyfriend: Oh. -
Sean
Sean: someone on the news just said “tornadic activity”
Jen: i think that’s something that happens when your gall bladder produces too much bile
Sean: that’s…horrific
Jen: or else it’s where a dog’s stomach gets twisted and the vet has to go unwind it
and when the vet is in there he finds out the dog has also been eating pennies
that is called a Penny Tornado -
Sean
(while talking on the phone)
Sarah: So you want me to pick you up some blueberry oatmeal?
Sean: What? Did you say bloobies?
Sarah: No. What are bloobies?
Sean: Sounds like a combination of blueberry and boobies.
Sarah: Ugh.
Sean: Smurf tits!
Sarah: You’re disgusting. -
Sean
Jen: there is an ad on a webpage that says “Shop Now! Adult Costumes”, but the lady in the picture is fully clothed and dressed as just a slightly bosomy Queen of Hearts
so i am confused. is this an online store for grown-up sized costumes, or a store where i can buy costumes to make me look like a slut?Sean: grown up costumes for people that want to go out for halloween, but not be slutty.
also available – non-sexy librarianJen: nobody likes stores like that
Sean: frumpy teacher
Jen: Professional Nurse
Sean: ha. she’s good at her job, she doesn’t need to be a whore
Jen: Inhumanoid Alien
Sean: Grouchy Policewoman
Jen: Policewoman with Practical Boots
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Sean
(discussing the possibility of an Alien prequel)
Jen: prequel? who could possibly be interested in that crap
Jen: Alien 0: Gassing Up the Nostromo
Alien 0: Some Random Aliens Crashed into a PlanetSean: Alien 0: Man, Tom Skerritt looks old
Alien 0: Ripley Picks out a Cat at the Intergalactic Humane SocietyJen: Alien 0: Suspicious New Doctor
Alien 0: Ripley Plans a Birthday Party for Next YearSean: we’ll see her opening up a storage bag with some of those trick birthday candles in it.
but the joke will be on her.
since, ya know, it’s like 80 years later.Jen: it was her daughter’s birthday
“wah wah wah, i promised her i’d be home for her 10th birthday! wah wah wah, daughter is dead.”Sean: that’ll teach her to procreate and then get attacked by an unscrupulous robot doctor controlled by a mega-corporation hellbent on studying an interesting but deadly new creature
Jen: Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit!
seriously that step 3 was always the problem for me with the aliens.
Step 1: Aliens.
Step 2: Paul Reiser.Sean: Step 3 involved leaving the room and snorting a lot of coke
Jen: that’s some good screenwriting.
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Sean
(while at a fancy dinner)
Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!
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Sean
(while discussing the FDA’s new power over cigarettes)
Sean: They should separate the Drugs from the FDA. They should just do food.
Brian: Right, so what does the FDA even regulate now?
Sean: Things you put in your mouth?
Brian: Bah. They should be the Food and Dick Administration.
Sean: Uhh…
Brian: Wait, not that I put those in my mouth! -
Sarah
Sean (said with a lilting lisp): “It’s a sandwich from Turkey Island. It’s a magical place where turkeys roam free and then turn into sandwiches.”
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Sarah
Me: “Fuck! I just cmd-Q’d firefox on accident AGAIN!”
Sean: “You should look into smaller fingers.”
Me: “Are you saying I have fat pinkies!” -
Sean
{while walking down steps to the local beach on a beautiful day}
Overly tan woman (enthusiastically): Hey! You guys must be down here to get a tan!
[Sean and Dawn look at their own pale skin]
Tan woman (still enthusiastic): Are you here from one of the cold countries?!
[Awkward pause]
Dawn: Um…no.
[Tan woman walks away, undoubtedly to tell all her friends how people from the “cold countries” are albino jerks.] -
Max
Chris: I should totally rent a midget!
Max: You can’t “rent” a midget.
Chris: Can I rent a dwarf?
Max: You can’t rent people.
Chris: I’ve been to Thailand, yes you can.
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Sean
Christine: I can drive.
Sean: Cool.
Christine: So it’ll be you, me, Paka, Vince and Brian in my car.
{Vince walks up}
Christine: I’m gonna be in a man sandwich all day!
Vince: What the hell! -
Sean
(an asian sorority is giving out fundraiser fliers for Panda Express.)
(meanwhile, in line)Girl (eyeing form in boyfriend’s hand): Do you really want to give them 20% of your money?
Boyfriend: Hmm?
Girl: You know. (whispers) The asians. -
Sarah
(At the Santa Barbara Sunday art walk by the beach, a vaguely hispanic vendor who’s definitely not speaking Spanish sells palm tree seed necklaces for $25)
Middle-Aged White Guy: Veinte.
Vendor: What? No, it’s $25.
Middle-Aged White Guy: Veinte.
Vendor: *sigh* Ok, $20.
Middle-Aged White Guy: Gracias
*pause*
Middle-Aged White Guy: Vaya con dios. -
Sean
(while driving through San Simeon, CA on Highway 1)
Sarah: What the fuck?!
Sean (surprised): What?
{Sarah points out the window. Sean looks.}
Sean: What the fuck?!{In a field to the side of the freeway are half a dozen Zebras, calmly grazing. ZEBRAS}
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Sean
(Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club)
Christine: Tyler, you’re really sweaty.
Tyler: Christine, you DON’T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much.
*shocked pause*
Tyler (gesturing): Hey Sean, come listen to what I just told Christine! -
Anonymous
(Heard by people in the lobby while I was complaining about an upgrade)
Me: I don’t want to spend Friday night waiting for some dude to call!
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Jen
(Jen is wearing a dress with a small busy pattern.)
Steve: Your dress is making me dizzy.
Jen: Sorry, I never realized, since I don’t have to look at it.
Steve: It’s like one of those posters with the hidden picture in it.
Jen: Ha ha, Magic Eye! Yeah, I’ve got a sailboat hidden over here on my shoulder.
Steve (making graphic hand gestures): Does it make, like, your boobs look bigger?
Jen: HELLO? Inappropriate!
Steve (musing): That would be GREAT. -
Jen
Jen: Creepy.
Sean: It’s a small and creepy world. -
Jen
Steve: I suspect that he misdiagnosed shyness as a hernia.
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Sean
a man wearing a cowboy hat at a night club approaches Jen from behind. he stands inches away, dancing suggestively behind her
Christine: Jen, don’t turn around.
Jen turns around.
Jen (to the cowboy): Fuck off! You’re so very rude! Fuck off!
Cowboy stammers a bit, then leaves.later
Cowyboy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.
Jen: Then stop being rude!even later
Cowboy (holding unlit cigarette): Hey, do you guys have a light?
Jen, Christine, Sean: No! -
Sean
Christine: So I was watching Kill Bill on TBS the other day, and they kept bleeping it when people said Uma Thurman’s character’s name. What was it?
Brian: Cunty McDickerson.
Christine: Oh. That is pretty bad. Makes sense they had to censor it. -
Sean
Jen: the most deadly of octopus is as but a mewling baby in a death match with chuck norris when compared to the most mild-mannered of the vile squid.
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Sean
(while discussing sexual “oops” moments at the local pub)
Brian: ‘Oops’ is a myth even in my most drunken moments. There’s no oops. That would be like a girl saying “Oops, I went down on you with my nostril!” True story, a girl did actually go down on me once with her nostril…
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Jen
Steve: I got an email from Matt yesterday. He said that nobody in his unit had ever seen “The Dark Crystal”.
Jen: I thought you were going to say “real combat”.
Steve: That too. -
Sean
(while discussing what to doodle at our next pub quiz night)
Jen: i thought of a way better idea for the back of Sheet 4 tomorrow
“TRUE and INTERESTING Facts About Vaginas Not Appearing in Tonight’s Program”1) “The modern day vagina was invented in 1832 by George Washington Carver, who also discovered over 300 uses for the peanut and invented the pickled egg.”
2) “True Fact! Many famous celebrities have a strong vagina heritage. Two you may have heard of are Famous Hollywood Actors Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, who underwent extensive plastic surgery to be more “camera friendly”
“They would later go on to found Planet Hollywood, a famous vagina restaurant chain.”
Sean: “Filled with the world’s best vagina paraphernalia hanging on the walls.”
3) “After the women’s suffragist movement of the early 20th century, vaginas started coming in 31 different flavors. This was the inspiration for the Baskin Robbins chain of ice cream shops.”
Jen: “Early favorites: strawberry, pistachio, musk.”
Sean: hehe. “Early rejected flavors: saltwater taffy, avocado, tobacco”
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Max
(While discussing Romance Novels)
Sara- “I don’t like having to hold a book while I masturbate” -
Jen
Sean (via IM): man, why does everyone have a monkey to love but me?!
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