jen: it’s like finding an easter egg made of hilarious.
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The State Adds 40lbs
[Dawn shows off her new driver’s license picture.] Randall: Wow, you look kind of fat. (Everyone is shocked.) Randall: I mean, because you’re actually so skinny… I should think before I talk.
Allergic
Frink: I don’t like nuts. They make my mouth itch.
Baby Nibbling
(while discussing Thanksgiving versus other holidays) Lee: Yeah, I’ve heard that Thanksgiving has the most babies consumed out of all the holidays. Sean, Tessa, Max: {blank stare} Lee: Conceived! Babies conceived! I don’t eat babies!
No, You’re Wearing Mittens
(Lopaka, Shasta, Andy and Dorothy at a sushi restaurant, Shasta was the only person given a knife and fork) Shasta: Is this because I’m white?
43 is the New Pi
(Note: Stephen is 21 years old.) Stephen (answering a quiz question): Men in Black? Jen: Nope. You’re close. Stephen: Men in Black II. Jen: Right. Stephen: Sheesh. Who knew numbers were sooooo important? I didn’t. That’s why I’m 43 years old.
Cutting Humor
Billy: Damnit, I’m still waiting for a steak knife to cut this meat. Sean (jokingly reaching for his pocket): You can borrow my knife if you want. Billy: Ha, I just might at this point. Sean: On second thought, you don’t know where it’s been. Billy: Oh yeah? Sean: Yeah, you’d be cutting your food …
Wear Pants Around Flames
steve m: ouch. boner burn!
Foursome Too Much?
sean: as long as it ends in a threesome, i don’t care.
‘For Use on Penis’
(the phone rings) Sean: Hello, this is Sean. Vanessa: Hi Sean. Um, do you have a key to the president’s office? Sean: Yeah, why? Vanessa: Can you come down here and unlock it? I have to put stickers on condoms. Sean: Uh, ok then.
Warmongering H20
(standing in a group outside. a political operative approaches us, handing us free water with the label advertising for a local judicial candidate.) Shasta: Wait, I don’t know this guy. What if it’s evil poisoned republican water?
Warm Bread
lora: always nice to open up a webpage and see ‘dick bread’
Evolution Personified
(Andy traps a small moth in a glass at dinner.) (20 minutes pass) Sean: (taps glass) I think it’s dead. You killed it Andy, how does that make you feel? Andy: Um…superior?
No one REALLY Needs Pants
While discussing employment options Rick–“I’ve given up on jobs where I have to wear pants”
Oddly Shaped Richard
Tessa: you’re such a prick! Max: I am not, I’m only a pretend one. Tessa: So does that make you a dildo?
Forgetful Much
madeline: maybe i’ll get early adult onset….um….um…. sean: Alzheimer’s? madeline: oh my god! i forgot the word for Alzheimer’s!
Princess Bride Redux
from another site: The Two Things about World Conquest: 1. Divide and Conquer. 2. Never invade Russia in the winter. from jen and sean: 3. “Never get in a land war in Asia” 4. Never challenge a Sicilian, when death is on the line. 5. “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ….. ha! …
Hold the Mayo
sean: the whole day has been about paka’s hot dog!
Bizarro Battle
discussing a bizarro group of friends, just like ours sean: we should fight them. alex: do you have any idea what that could do to the universe? sean: screw the universe, this is about reputation.
Now Read this FAQ
Shasta: So I was reading the cover of Network Magazine the other day.. Paka (interrupting): Wait wait! Say that again, slowly. It turns me on.
Koala
(at dinner on a cruise ship) Shasta: This kahlua cake doesn’t taste much like kahlua. Sean: I thought you said koala cake. That doesn’t seem tasty. Shasta: Aww. Poor koalas. Billy: Man, koalas will mess you up!
Dentist is your Friend
jen: dentists are scary jen: they’re like shop teachers of the mouth sean: oh great, now i’m going to imagine my dentist with a circular saw, thanx.
Writing Tips
tobin: writing, it’s like reading, but you don’t know what it says until you make it.
Just Say Mooo
madeline: c’mon sean, everyone knows that the only safe bestiality is abstinence.
Sinner Airlines
(in regards to a story about an airline pilot asking christian passengers to identify themselves so non-christians could talk to them about their faith) jen: i just read that. [mock pilot announcment] “if you’re a christian, raise your hand so non-christians can punch you in the face.” sean: “i’ll be available after the flight so …
Like a Gumby?
sean: ..and this is my suspicious yet happy face. madeline: Impressive. You’re a very complex man. sean: Yes, I have many layers. Like an onion. madeline: Well, I’m flexible..um..like an onion.
Wax On, Clean Off
discussing Britney Spears, the almighty tobin: “She’s so cold, she’s hot. She’s so hot, she’s cold. She’s so yin, she’s yang. And now to wax my wang.”
Boy & Dog
(jess talking with alex about housing possibilities in Hayward) jess: you might want to look at B street. alex: B as in boy? or D as in dog? jess: boy as in dog. alex: *laughs maniacally* jess (realizing error): *laughs* i mean B as in boy! sean (listening in, messaged to alex): my girlfriend doesn’t …
Sandpaper Grip
While watching a friend play a videogame Yamo “This game is the rough equivalent of masturbating with sandpaper”
Poppycock
DEM0NH00D:new topic! LAM0NT: Fiddle faddle…any thoughts? DEM0NH00D: not as good as poppycock! LAM0NT: I’m not eating anything with the word cock in it DEM0NH00D: that’s not what i hear DEM0NH00D: :p LAM0NT: suck my poppy