madeline: nerd
sean: geek
madeline: pedophile
sean: baby cannibal
madeline: puppy shishkababer
sean: raccoon fornicator
madeline: atheist
sean: mormon
madeline: my computer got unplugged. mike did it…christian fundamentalist.
sean: always blaming others…..republican
madeline: i put blame where blame is due… anti-abortion doctor-killer.
sean: a likely story….televangelist
madeline: bake me cookies… apartheid supporter.
sean: bake your own cookies…. bush cabinet member
madeline: i’m busy – you do it…prussian blue fan.
sean: the kitchen is full already…..holocaust denier
madeline: … mel gibson fan.
sean: paris hilton stalker
madeline: katie holmes impregnator
sean: scientologist missionary
madeline: missionary-style purist
sean: abstinence only teacher
madeline: god-made-aids-to-punish-gay-people believer
sean: abu ghraib prison manual author
*insert problem with displaying a picture in the chat window*
madeline: it would’ve worked fine if you hadn’t mucked it up… funny picture sabotager.
sean: i live to thwart your efforts….carrot top fanclub president.
madeline: you are a vile, vile monster… martha stewart sexer-upper.
sean: my cruelty knows no bounds…..michael jackson defense fund contributor
madeline: talker-during-the-quiet-parts-in-the-movie-theater-er.
sean: Perfect Strangers erotic fanfic writer
madeline: now that’s just going too far!
sean: haha! i win!
So Much Dork
referring to something dorky
sean: i haven’t seen dork like that since junior high gym class!
And Maybe Cottage Cheese
sean: two things I hate – Hitler and yogurt!
Better than Tobasco
Steve: I’m drowning in worcestershire sauce!
Jen: Delicious death.
Steve: Delicious like a foxburger!
Modern Medical Science
(while discussing medical form letters letting you know if
A) [ ] you’re going to die from a horrible disease or
B) [ ] it’s not a tumor)
alex: that’s be great if the ‘x’ that marks the box was kind of in two boxes and you weren’t sure what the diagnosis was.
sean: “damnit. i’m not sure if i have cancer or if i just voted for pat buchanon”
High School Teachers Tho…
(overheard outside a restaurant)
Man: Nah, it won’t work out. Preschool teachers never give you a happy ending.
Safe Smoking
(overheard while eating lunch)
Guy 1: I mean, you can stick a lit cigarette up your ass and nothing will happen.
Guy 2: Well, you might get burned.
Guy 1: Sure, but the filter should help with that.
Lotta Guppies Too
Spoken part of Cyprus Hill song: “Lotta sharks out there, lookin’ to get ahead…”
Dawn: Hmmm…sharks. That’s a metaphor.
C+++++
Coworker 1: Chicks dig C++.
Coworker 2: Not C, though.
1: Not C?
2: No way, man. C’s just…*shrugs*. But C++ is like, ninja shit.
No Software Either
Randall: Ok, another homeless person with a laptop? He isn’t getting my change.
Who Needs Warm
(turning a corner in the car, a few women cross the street in front of us)
Brad: Moooooooo!!!
Josh: Awww. Hey now.
Brad: Don’t worry Josh, she’ll still be warm for another 45 minutes after you hit her with the car.
Backside Pleasures
Billy:It’s 3:30 the backside is closed by now.
Wes:The backside is always open for business!
Chuck is Gonna be Mad
* watching exercise equipment infomercial with CHUCK NORRIS and CHRISTY BRINKLEY *
Christy Brinkley: It’s been a tough day of working out, Chuck!
Chuck Norris: It sure has been!
Sean: Hahahaha… “has beens.”
Easter Egg Win
jen: it’s like finding an easter egg made of hilarious.
The State Adds 40lbs
[Dawn shows off her new driver’s license picture.]
Randall: Wow, you look kind of fat.
(Everyone is shocked.)
Randall: I mean, because you’re actually so skinny… I should think before I talk.
Allergic
Frink: I don’t like nuts. They make my mouth itch.
Baby Nibbling
(while discussing Thanksgiving versus other holidays)
Lee: Yeah, I’ve heard that Thanksgiving has the most babies consumed out of all the holidays.
Sean, Tessa, Max: {blank stare}
Lee: Conceived! Babies conceived! I don’t eat babies!
No, You’re Wearing Mittens
(Lopaka, Shasta, Andy and Dorothy at a sushi restaurant, Shasta was the only person given a knife and fork)
Shasta: Is this because I’m white?
43 is the New Pi
(Note: Stephen is 21 years old.)
Stephen (answering a quiz question): Men in Black?
Jen: Nope. You’re close.
Stephen: Men in Black II.
Jen: Right.
Stephen: Sheesh. Who knew numbers were sooooo important? I didn’t. That’s why I’m 43 years old.
Cutting Humor
Billy: Damnit, I’m still waiting for a steak knife to cut this meat.
Sean (jokingly reaching for his pocket): You can borrow my knife if you want.
Billy: Ha, I just might at this point.
Sean: On second thought, you don’t know where it’s been.
Billy: Oh yeah?
Sean: Yeah, you’d be cutting your food and then say “Hey, this tastes like homeless person!”
Wear Pants Around Flames
steve m: ouch. boner burn!
Foursome Too Much?
sean: as long as it ends in a threesome, i don’t care.
‘For Use on Penis’
(the phone rings)
Sean: Hello, this is Sean.
Vanessa: Hi Sean. Um, do you have a key to the president’s office?
Sean: Yeah, why?
Vanessa: Can you come down here and unlock it? I have to put stickers on condoms.
Sean: Uh, ok then.
Warmongering H20
(standing in a group outside. a political operative approaches us, handing us free water with the label advertising for a local judicial candidate.)
Shasta: Wait, I don’t know this guy. What if it’s evil poisoned republican water?
Warm Bread
lora: always nice to open up a webpage and see ‘dick bread’
Evolution Personified
(Andy traps a small moth in a glass at dinner.)
(20 minutes pass)
Sean: (taps glass) I think it’s dead. You killed it Andy, how does that make you feel?
Andy: Um…superior?
No one REALLY Needs Pants
While discussing employment options
Rick–“I’ve given up on jobs where I have to wear pants”
Oddly Shaped Richard
Tessa: you’re such a prick!
Max: I am not, I’m only a pretend one.
Tessa: So does that make you a dildo?
Forgetful Much
madeline: maybe i’ll get early adult onset….um….um….
sean: Alzheimer’s?
madeline: oh my god! i forgot the word for Alzheimer’s!
Princess Bride Redux
from another site:
The Two Things about World Conquest:
1. Divide and Conquer.
2. Never invade Russia in the winter.
from jen and sean:
3. “Never get in a land war in Asia”
4. Never challenge a Sicilian, when death is on the line.
5. “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ….. ha! *dead*
6. Poison both the goblets.
7. Build up immunity to iocaine powder.
8. Call bitchy ex-girlfriend a tramp.
9. Slap supposed kidnapper.
10. Roll down hill.
11. “As….you…..wiiiiiishhhhh!”
12. Wonder what you saw in that horsey-faced girl in the first place.
13. Choose girl over rodents of unusual size. But it was close.
14. Be a man of action. Lies do not become you.
15. Get year of life sucked out of you. It tingles.
16. Go back to the beginning.
17. Albinos have soft heads.
18. “Mawwiage.”
19. Holocaust cloaks are handy for bbqs and party tricks.
20. Only be mostly dead.
21. True love and gambling are closely related.
22. I’m not a witch, I’m your wife.
23. “Good luck storming the castle!”
24. Destroy your perfect breasts.
25. “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die.”
26. “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die. Ouch.”
27. “Stop saying that!”
28. Offer him money.
29. Offer him power.
30. Offer him anything.
30. Offer him everything he asks for and more.
31. He wants his father back, you son of a bitch.
32. Kill him. Revenge is sweet.
33. Threaten to cut off the prince’s appendages. Minus the ears.
34. Nah, he’s bluffing.
35. “Drop….your….sword.”
36. Wet yourself.
37. Collapse onto bed as girlfriend and lackey tie up bad guy.
38. Wonder why girlfriend is so dense.
39. Hope girlfriend is more enlightened in bed.
(After all this crap, she’d better be the Mata Hari.)
40. Hey, four white horses.
41. That story wasn’t so bad Columbo..err..granddad.
42. The end. Or is it? (Dum dum dummmmmm)
43. Cue studio exec, 15 years later, pitching idea for “The Princess Daughter” about 15 year old rebelling against her parents. She runs away and has an adventure with Inigo and the gentle giant now played by Hulk Hogan.