Sean: someone on the news just said “tornadic activity” Jen: i think that’s something that happens when your gall bladder produces too much bile Sean: that’s…horrific Jen: or else it’s where a dog’s stomach gets twisted and the vet has to go unwind it and when the vet is in there he finds out the …
Author Archives: Sean
Bloobies Forever
(while talking on the phone) Sarah: So you want me to pick you up some blueberry oatmeal? Sean: What? Did you say bloobies? Sarah: No. What are bloobies? Sean: Sounds like a combination of blueberry and boobies. Sarah: Ugh. Sean: Smurf tits! Sarah: You’re disgusting.
Frumpy Sexy Sorceror
Jen: there is an ad on a webpage that says “Shop Now! Adult Costumes”, but the lady in the picture is fully clothed and dressed as just a slightly bosomy Queen of Hearts so i am confused. is this an online store for grown-up sized costumes, or a store where i can buy costumes to …
Alien 0: Rise of the Riser
(discussing the possibility of an Alien prequel) Jen: prequel? who could possibly be interested in that crap Jen: Alien 0: Gassing Up the Nostromo Alien 0: Some Random Aliens Crashed into a Planet Sean: Alien 0: Man, Tom Skerritt looks old Alien 0: Ripley Picks out a Cat at the Intergalactic Humane Society Jen: Alien …
Unusual Food Delivery
(while at a fancy dinner) Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!
And Give up the Drugs?
(while discussing the FDA’s new power over cigarettes) Sean: They should separate the Drugs from the FDA. They should just do food. Brian: Right, so what does the FDA even regulate now? Sean: Things you put in your mouth? Brian: Bah. They should be the Food and Dick Administration. Sean: Uhh… Brian: Wait, not that …
Sun Worship
{while walking down steps to the local beach on a beautiful day} Overly tan woman (enthusiastically): Hey! You guys must be down here to get a tan! [Sean and Dawn look at their own pale skin] Tan woman (still enthusiastic): Are you here from one of the cold countries?! [Awkward pause] Dawn: Um…no. [Tan woman …
Who’s the Lettuce
Christine: I can drive. Sean: Cool. Christine: So it’ll be you, me, Paka, Vince and Brian in my car. {Vince walks up} Christine: I’m gonna be in a man sandwich all day! Vince: What the hell!
They’ll Spend it on Math!
(an asian sorority is giving out fundraiser fliers for Panda Express.) (meanwhile, in line) Girl (eyeing form in boyfriend’s hand): Do you really want to give them 20% of your money? Boyfriend: Hmm? Girl: You know. (whispers) The asians.
Not Painted Donkeys
(while driving through San Simeon, CA on Highway 1) Sarah: What the fuck?! Sean (surprised): What? {Sarah points out the window. Sean looks.} Sean: What the fuck?! {In a field to the side of the freeway are half a dozen Zebras, calmly grazing. ZEBRAS}
It’s My New IceBreaker
(Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club) Christine: Tyler, you’re really sweaty. Tyler: Christine, you DON’T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much. *shocked pause* Tyler …
Just the Rudest
a man wearing a cowboy hat at a night club approaches Jen from behind. he stands inches away, dancing suggestively behind her Christine: Jen, don’t turn around. Jen turns around. Jen (to the cowboy): Fuck off! You’re so very rude! Fuck off! Cowboy stammers a bit, then leaves. later Cowyboy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean …
Meet the McDickersons
Christine: So I was watching Kill Bill on TBS the other day, and they kept bleeping it when people said Uma Thurman’s character’s name. What was it? Brian: Cunty McDickerson. Christine: Oh. That is pretty bad. Makes sense they had to censor it.
Squid Enlightenment
Jen: the most deadly of octopus is as but a mewling baby in a death match with chuck norris when compared to the most mild-mannered of the vile squid.
Snort Job
(while discussing sexual “oops” moments at the local pub) Brian: ‘Oops’ is a myth even in my most drunken moments. There’s no oops. That would be like a girl saying “Oops, I went down on you with my nostril!” True story, a girl did actually go down on me once with her nostril…
Vagina 2.0
(while discussing what to doodle at our next pub quiz night) Jen: i thought of a way better idea for the back of Sheet 4 tomorrow “TRUE and INTERESTING Facts About Vaginas Not Appearing in Tonight’s Program” 1) “The modern day vagina was invented in 1832 by George Washington Carver, who also discovered over 300 …
Carradine Deficiency
Jen: i like that on netflix, they list Keith Carradine as costarring in Deadwood in every single episode. Sean: the spirit of buffalo bill lives on! Jen: they should say “Co-stars Keith Carradine* (*Keith Carradine fans should prepare for disappointment.)” Sean: the head of his fan club should file a complaint Jen: “where’s keith carradine???” …
And It’s Not Even Friday
Jen: well obviously i’m not getting nude in the office, but there’s definitely a psycho dance vibe here
So Much Bacon
(inside local restaurant – lunchtime) Christine (sniffing): Hey, it smells like bacon in here. Shasta (sniffing): Hmm, It does smell like bacon. *Shasta spots a uniformed police officer grabbing a soda a few feet away.* Christine: Yeah, totally smells like bacon. Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh. Christine: What? Why? Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh. I’ll explain in a minute. …
Sordid Sorting Hat
(the mocking sean hour continues) jen: do you wear the sorting hat when you go online to harry potter sex chatrooms? sean: how do you think i get all the witches? jen: i really don’t want to think about that “I sort you into the house that dances around a little and takes off your …
I’m His Doctor
(as a Gunther concert lets out and the crowd disperses) Random Male Student: I’m not sure yet. He did ask me to taste his semen.
Leprechaun Sequels
Stephen: you should have written the tag line for leprechaun 6. the current one is “evil has a whole new rap!” i know some white guy in a neckerchief wrote that. Sean: he wore a special green neckerchief the day that he wrote that. you know, for inspiration Sean: Leprechaun 7: Lady Lumps “Somewhere over …
Everyone Gets Training
Madeline: i don’t trust anyone who sucks at blowjobs in my kitchen.
Renowned Storytime Part 2
(the story continues…) Jen: “Sean sat frozen in his chair and shook with terrifying fear. This, he realized was not checkmate at all, but rather checkmate and then his opponent set fire to the checkerboard and laughed maniacally, because he had turned out to be some type of maniac.” Sean: “Flashmaster Jay, who was a …
Quick or Easy To Please?
(While Alex and Billy are getting ready to go out.) Alex: I really love blowjobs. Billy (sultry): Close the door. Alex (to everyone waiting in the hall): I’ll be 30 seconds. {the door closes}
Surprise Sex
Vy: You know. It’s like when you wake up, and your butt hurts, and you don’t know why.
Moisturized Sea Creatures
jen: giant squid used up all my jergens! sean: i tried to tell you! they’re totally selfish jen: it’s because of giant squid that i buy jergens to keep on my desk, and my own good lotion to keep in my desk. sean: smart.
Alien Vs. Everyone
Alien Vs. Predator – The Game! jen: here are the rules: somebody offers up somebody or something to fight against Alien. the other person decides the winner. jen: I’ll start: Alien versus Sasquatch! sean: oooh, tough one. as long as the alien didn’t get the drop on sassy, i think he could crush the alien …
Emoticon Breakdown
Phil S.: -6 Phil S.: wtf!? Phil S.: i mant Phil S.: :! Phil S.: omg! Phil S.: i can’t even smilie tonight Sean: you’re defective
Awesome Scavenger Hunt
{when asked what she was doing wandering the halls} Ellie: they were all on the phone. and i was bored. so i stole a giraffe.