Updates from Sean Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Sean 4:18 pm on September 10, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , titles   

    (discussing the possibility of an Alien prequel)

    Jen: prequel? who could possibly be interested in that crap
    Jen: Alien 0: Gassing Up the Nostromo
    Alien 0: Some Random Aliens Crashed into a Planet

    Sean: Alien 0: Man, Tom Skerritt looks old
    Alien 0: Ripley Picks out a Cat at the Intergalactic Humane Society

    Jen: Alien 0: Suspicious New Doctor
    Alien 0: Ripley Plans a Birthday Party for Next Year

    Sean: we’ll see her opening up a storage bag with some of those trick birthday candles in it.
    but the joke will be on her.
    since, ya know, it’s like 80 years later.

    Jen: it was her daughter’s birthday
    “wah wah wah, i promised her i’d be home for her 10th birthday! wah wah wah, daughter is dead.”

    Sean: that’ll teach her to procreate and then get attacked by an unscrupulous robot doctor controlled by a mega-corporation hellbent on studying an interesting but deadly new creature

    Jen: Step 3: ???
    Step 4: Profit!
    seriously that step 3 was always the problem for me with the aliens.
    Step 1: Aliens.
    Step 2: Paul Reiser.

    Sean: Step 3 involved leaving the room and snorting a lot of coke

    Jen: that’s some good screenwriting.

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  • Sean 2:24 pm on July 14, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , shit   

    (while at a fancy dinner)

    Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!

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  • Sean 3:10 pm on June 12, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    (while discussing the FDA’s new power over cigarettes)

    Sean: They should separate the Drugs from the FDA. They should just do food.
    Brian: Right, so what does the FDA even regulate now?
    Sean: Things you put in your mouth?
    Brian: Bah. They should be the Food and Dick Administration.
    Sean: Uhh…
    Brian: Wait, not that I put those in my mouth!

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  • Sean 1:57 pm on April 8, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: insult, tan   

    {while walking down steps to the local beach on a beautiful day}

    Overly tan woman (enthusiastically): Hey! You guys must be down here to get a tan!
    [Sean and Dawn look at their own pale skin]
    Tan woman (still enthusiastic): Are you here from one of the cold countries?!
    [Awkward pause]
    Dawn: Um…no.
    [Tan woman walks away, undoubtedly to tell all her friends how people from the “cold countries” are albino jerks.]

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  • Sean 3:52 pm on March 25, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    Christine: I can drive.
    Sean: Cool.
    Christine: So it’ll be you, me, Paka, Vince and Brian in my car.
    {Vince walks up}
    Christine: I’m gonna be in a man sandwich all day!
    Vince: What the hell!

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  • Sean 1:51 pm on March 11, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    (an asian sorority is giving out fundraiser fliers for Panda Express.)
    (meanwhile, in line)

    Girl (eyeing form in boyfriend’s hand): Do you really want to give them 20% of your money?
    Boyfriend: Hmm?
    Girl: You know. (whispers) The asians.

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  • Sean 2:41 pm on October 6, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , zebras   

    (while driving through San Simeon, CA on Highway 1)
    Sarah: What the fuck?!
    Sean (surprised): What?
    {Sarah points out the window. Sean looks.}
    Sean: What the fuck?!

    {In a field to the side of the freeway are half a dozen Zebras, calmly grazing. ZEBRAS}

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  • Sean 3:19 pm on June 26, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , sweaty,   

    (Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club)

    Christine: Tyler, you’re really sweaty.
    Tyler: Christine, you DON’T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much.
    *shocked pause*
    Tyler (gesturing): Hey Sean, come listen to what I just told Christine!

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  • Sean 11:12 pm on May 5, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: clubbing,   

    a man wearing a cowboy hat at a night club approaches Jen from behind. he stands inches away, dancing suggestively behind her

    Christine: Jen, don’t turn around.
    Jen turns around.
    Jen (to the cowboy): Fuck off! You’re so very rude! Fuck off!
    Cowboy stammers a bit, then leaves.

    later

    Cowyboy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.
    Jen: Then stop being rude!

    even later

    Cowboy (holding unlit cigarette): Hey, do you guys have a light?
    Jen, Christine, Sean: No!

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  • Sean 12:04 pm on April 3, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    Christine: So I was watching Kill Bill on TBS the other day, and they kept bleeping it when people said Uma Thurman’s character’s name. What was it?
    Brian: Cunty McDickerson.
    Christine: Oh. That is pretty bad. Makes sense they had to censor it.

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  • Sean 2:17 pm on April 1, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    Jen: the most deadly of octopus is as but a mewling baby in a death match with chuck norris when compared to the most mild-mannered of the vile squid.

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  • Sean 9:53 am on January 25, 2008 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    (while discussing sexual “oops” moments at the local pub)

    Brian: ‘Oops’ is a myth even in my most drunken moments. There’s no oops. That would be like a girl saying “Oops, I went down on you with my nostril!” True story, a girl did actually go down on me once with her nostril…

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  • Sean 4:24 pm on December 18, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    (white discussing what to doodle at our next pub quiz night)

    Jen: i thought of a way better idea for the back of Sheet 4 tomorrow
    “TRUE and INTERESTING Facts About Vaginas Not Appearing in Tonight’s Program”

    1) “The modern day vagina was invented in 1832 by George Washington Carver, who also discovered over 300 uses for the peanut and invented the pickled egg.”

    2) “True Fact! Many famous celebrities have a strong vagina heritage. Two you may have heard of are Famous Hollywood Actors Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, who underwent extensive plastic surgery to be more “camera friendly”

    “They would later go on to found Planet Hollywood, a famous vagina restaurant chain.”

    Sean: “Filled with the world’s best vagina paraphernalia hanging on the walls.”

    3) “After the women’s suffragist movement of the early 20th century, vaginas started coming in 31 different flavors. This was the inspiration for the Baskin Robbins chain of ice cream shops.”

    Jen: “Early favorites: strawberry, pistachio, musk.”

    Sean: hehe. “Early rejected flavors: saltwater taffy, avocado, tobacco”

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  • Sean 11:24 am on October 19, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: deadwood   

    Jen: i like that on netflix, they list Keith Carradine as costarring in Deadwood in every single episode.
    Sean: the spirit of buffalo bill lives on!
    Jen: they should say “Co-stars Keith Carradine* (*Keith Carradine fans should prepare for disappointment.)”
    Sean: the head of his fan club should file a complaint
    Jen: “where’s keith carradine???” “watch episode 2” “nooooooooooo!”
    Sean: “i’m running dangerously low on carradine, as required by my doctor”
    Jen: it’s what you take when you’re feeling melodramatic
    Jen: “what do i have, doctor?” “you have a case of the Shut the Hell Ups. take some carradine.”
    Sean: for the small cases, he prescribes carradine with added david essense.

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  • Sean 2:51 pm on August 22, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , tranny   

    Jen: well obviously i’m not getting nude in the office, but there’s definitely a psycho tranny dance vibe here

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  • Sean 3:41 pm on June 22, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    (inside local restaurant – lunchtime)

    Christine (sniffing): Hey, it smells like bacon in here.
    Shasta (sniffing): Hmm, It does smell like bacon.
    *Shasta spots a uniformed police officer grabbing a soda a few feet away.*
    Christine: Yeah, totally smells like bacon.
    Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh.
    Christine: What? Why?
    Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh. I’ll explain in a minute.
    *The cop leaves*

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  • Sean 11:36 am on June 21, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: harry potter, ,   

    (the mocking sean hour continues)

    jen: do you wear the sorting hat when you go online to harry potter sex chatrooms?
    sean: how do you think i get all the witches?
    jen: i really don’t want to think about that
    “I sort you into the house that dances around a little and takes off your clothes, and I sort you two into the house that gets a little drunk and makes out with each other at parties, and I sort you to the house that sits on my lap and laughs hilariously at everything I say. Accio condoms!”

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  • Sean 1:08 am on May 13, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , semen   

    (as a Gunther concert lets out and the crowd disperses)

    Random Male Student: I’m not sure yet. He did ask me to taste his semen.

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  • Sean 12:18 pm on May 2, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , movie titles   

    Stephen: you should have written the tag line for leprechaun 6. the current one is “evil has a whole new rap!” i know some white guy in a neckerchief wrote that.
    Sean: he wore a special green neckerchief the day that he wrote that. you know, for inspiration

    Sean: Leprechaun 7: Lady Lumps “Somewhere over the rainbow, even an evil leprechaun can find love!”
    Stephen: Leprechaun 8: Off the Chain?
    Sean: Leprechaun 9: Miami Style starring David Caruso and his sunglasses
    Stephen: Leprechaun 10: Spreadin’ the Cheese
    Sean: Leprechaun 11: Bam! Killin’ it up a notch
    Stephen: Leprechaun 12: One Death to a Baker’s Dozen
    Sean: Leprechaun 13: Sifting through the Blood of Time
    Stephen: Leprechaun 14: Overkill!
    Sean: Leprechaun 15: Leprechaun vs. The Tooth Fairy
    Stephen: Leprechaun 16: 16 Ways to Die in Ireland
    Sean: Leprechaun 17: Fall of the Gold Market
    Stephen: Leprechaun 18: Thoughts and Feelings
    Sean: Leprechaun 19: Chillin’ at Walden Pond

    Stephen: Leprechaun XX: Keep the Dream Alive
    Sean: Leprechaun XXI: Roman Bathhouse Battle Royale
    Stephen: Leprechaun XXII: Green to Red, Live to Dead
    Stephen: it’d be shaped as an X — the “to” in the middle, and the title as the cross pieces. so just one “to”
    Sean: Leprechaun XXIII: Halloscream’s Eve
    Stephen: Leprechaun XXIV: Bruce Willis Cameo
    Sean: Leprechaun XXV: Electric Boogaloo
    Stephen: Leprechaun XXVI: Counting Rose Petals
    Sean: Leprechaun XXVII: Where For Art Thou Gold
    Stephen: Leprechaun XXVIII: Moonlighting
    Sean: Leprechaun XXIX: Shorties Killing Shorties

    Stephen: Leprechaun xXx: xXx Vs. Leprechaun
    Sean: Leprechaun XXXI: Enemy Combatant
    Stephen: Leprechaun XXXII: Tending Bar
    Sean: Leprechaun XXXIII: Down & Out & Paying Child Support
    Stephen: Leprechaun XXXIV: XXXIV Ways to Die in Ireland
    Sean: Leprechaun XXXV: Corned Beef with a Side of Blood
    Stephen: Leprechaun XXXVI: Leprechaun’s Run
    Sean: Leprechaun XXXVII: Return of the Platinum Pirate
    Stephen: Leprechaun XXXVIII: Legendary
    Sean: Leprechaun XXXIX: Too X to Handle

    Stephen: Leprechaun XXXX: Not a Lawn Gnome, 4 Reelz
    Sean: actually, it’s XL
    Stephen: doh!
    Stephen: Leprechaun XLI: Letters and Numbers
    Sean: Leprechaun XLII: Dysfunctional Family Reunion
    Stephen: Leprechaun XLIII: Owen Wilson Plays Himself
    Sean: Leprechaun XLIV: LIVe Green or Die
    Stephen: Leprechaun XLV: Wicked Workout
    Sean: Leprechaun XLVI: Killin to the Oldies
    Stephen: Leprechaun XLVII: Causality
    Sean: Leprechaun XLVIII: Occam’s Razor…..of Pain
    Stephen: Leprechaun XLIX: Speeding Zalicks
    Sean: Leprechaun L: Lusty Lesbians

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  • Sean 10:15 am on April 27, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    Madeline: i don’t trust anyone who sucks at blowjobs in my kitchen.

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  • Sean 4:49 pm on April 20, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , ,   

    (the story continues…)

    Jen: “Sean sat frozen in his chair and shook with terrifying fear. This, he realized was not checkmate at all, but rather checkmate and then his opponent set fire to the checkerboard and laughed maniacally, because he had turned out to be some type of maniac.”

    Sean: “Flashmaster Jay, who was a bird, but not a renowned chess player, smugly picked blood from his birdlike beak. Sean was right where he wanted him to be; right in front of Jay. Allison’s detached eyeball squirmed uncomfortably in the pocket of his argyle sweater. He would have to get it washed at the renowned Chinese laundromat down the street sometime later this week.”

    Jen: “After a moment or perhaps just a fleeting second of screaming silence, Sean finally spoke: “Well, what are you going to do with me?”

    Jen: “For a moment, Jay said nothing, as one of his feathers was still picking blood from his beak. “Hang on, there’s just a thing…I was eating popcorn earlier…ok.” Victoriously, Jay flicked the hull that had been stuck in his beak into the hallway, then faced Sean maniacally once more.”
    Jen: “What am I going to do with you? You fool! Nothing, of course. Nothing, except… THIS!”

    Sean: “KAW!” Jay kawed, as he flew from his perch, swooping down into Sean’s face. He maniacally flapped his wings, striking the system administrator about the head. “Hey, quit it!” Sean protested.

    Jen: “Just when all hope was lost and Sean’s nostrils were filled with the musty scent of a melange of bird, argyle, and what he suspiciously suspected was eyeball, a hand covered in black lace appeared, wrapping itself around the bird, and hurled it out the door, where it could have died for all Sean knew.”

    Sean: “Allison!” Sean exclaimed, wiping maniacal bird spittle from his cheek. Allison, framed in the doorway and lit only by the humming fluorescent lights of Sean’s office, had her back to Sean. Her long pitch black hair fell devastatingly to the small of her back. Sean stared at her completely clothed ass for a moment before regaining his tremendous composure.”

    Jen: “Allison turned slowly, the dim flourescent light highlighting the gentle curves of her face and the alluring arc of a black eyepatch. “Don’t worry, my darling system administrator,” she said, moving gracefully across the room to sit on the corner of Sean’s mahogany desk and cross her legs, which Sean also did not look at. “That bird won’t be bothering you any more, for all you know.” Allison arched her back slightly and reached into the top of one thigh-high boot, which Sean was certain he’d never seen her wear before but which complemented her eyepatch very well indeed. “However, my darling, in the interests of saving time later, perhaps you should know that my name is not Allison.” Her lace-gloved hand emerged holding a corn cob pipe, which she lit, and leaned in towards Sean. “You know what I’m here for.”

    Sean: Sean resisted the temptation to utter the words “My body?” While he had heard tales of renowned individuals being sexed up by lace-gloved women, it had never happened to him. The terrible truth was, he knew exactly what ‘Almost Allison’ was here for. As he fixated on the gentle puffing sounds emanating from the finely crafted corn cob pipe, Sean was desperately formulating a plan of action. “Before we get to that,” Sean began, “What is your real name?” Not-Allison raised an eyebrow and took the long stem of the corn cob pipe out of her pursed lips.

    Jen: “My name?” she said, arching one eyebrow. “Sadie Lockhaven, darling, at your service.” She held out a lace-gloved hand, but before the renowned system administrator could take it, a strange sound emanated from beyond the doorway.

    Jen: i feel like i should have explained that the name Sadie Lockhaven is a combination of my dog’s name and one of the streets i grew up on.

    Sean: ha, Sadie is porn-name Jen. nice

    Sean: “Sadie and Sean craned their necks in a birdlike manner, trying to see what was rapping near Sean’s office door. Suddenly and most unexpectantly, a hawk wearing a turquoise bandana lumbers into view, accompanying by the maniacal Flashmaster Jay perched upon this new bird’s majestic shoulder. The hawk cocked his head, inspecting Sadie and Sean as he would a small rodent from high atop his perch.”

    Jen: “Sadie tossed her head back and laughed derisively. “What happened, Flashmaster Jay, couldn’t bring yourself to confront me again without your muscle to back you up?” asked Sadie, tossing her hair around in a suspiciously flambouyant manner. Sean thought it smelled like lilacs. The small avian maniac did not respond, but dug his tiny claws into the hawk’s magnificent shoulder. “Kaw!” he kawed, and the hawk leapt into action.”

    Sean: “Watch out, his majestic beak is probably quite sharp!” Sean screamed, diving for the floor. The hawk swooped down on the system administrator’s keyboard, with Jay still perfectly perched on his shoulder, acting calmly maniacal. The large bird began furiously typing, using his beak to improve his speed. “Nothing good can come from this,” Sadie whispered into Sean’s ear, half buried in the carpet of his second floor office.”

    Jen: “The renowned systems administrator scoffed. “I scarcely think the fact that a glorious bird of prey is furiously typing at my computer is of any interest right now. What’s more important is this: why is he wearing a turquoise bandana?” At this, the tiny bird that still rode astride the hawk’s majestic shoulder turned to contemplate him. “You wish to know why? Why don’t you ask my friend Rosco?”

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  • Sean 2:05 pm on April 16, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags:   

    (While Alex and Billy are getting ready to go out.)

    Alex: I really love blowjobs.
    Billy (sultry): Close the door.
    Alex (to everyone waiting in the hall): I’ll be 30 seconds.
    {the door closes}

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  • Sean 9:57 pm on February 23, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: anal,   

    Vy: You know. It’s like when you wake up, and your butt hurts, and you don’t know why.

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  • Sean 12:03 pm on February 22, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: lotion,   

    jen: giant squid used up all my jergens!
    sean: i tried to tell you! they’re totally selfish
    jen: it’s because of giant squid that i buy jergens to keep on my desk, and my own good lotion to keep in my desk.
    sean: smart.

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  • Sean 3:08 pm on February 20, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: alien, game, predator   

    Alien Vs. Predator – The Game!

    jen: here are the rules: somebody offers up somebody or something to fight against Alien. the other person decides the winner.
    jen: I’ll start: Alien versus Sasquatch!
    sean: oooh, tough one. as long as the alien didn’t get the drop on sassy, i think he could crush the alien with his raw power. but it’d be close.
    sean: Alien vs. the original Terminator!
    jen: wow, that’s tough. i’d give it to Alien in that one. original Terminator was kind of a puss. once some acid blood got on him, he’d be a big puddle.
    jen: Alien versus Fluffy Kittens!
    sean: hehe. alien, while temporarily distracted by their supreme cuteitude, regretfully dispatches of the fluffy kittens.
    jen: and Fluffy Kittens vs. Predator?
    sean: the predator doesn’t attack unarmed and defenseless creatures. he’d put them on craigslist and find them a good home. besides, their pelt would be too small to be a suitable trophy
    jen: hm, ok. what if it was fluffy kittens with bombs strapped to their tummies?
    sean: predator would laser them from afar. the little puffs of exploding fur would sadden him slightly
    sean: Alien vs. Ghostbusters!
    jen: Alien. he is not made out of ectoplasm.

    (later that evening)

    jen: Alien vs. The Human Condition!
    sean: Alien vs. ennui!
    jen: Alien versus Seasonal Affective Disorder!
    sean: Alien vs. the Catholic Church!
    jen: Alien as religious revolutionary… 🙂 Alien versus the Heartbreak of Genital Herpes!
    sean: Alien vs. Doris the Ex-Girlfriend! “i told you it’s over. stop calling here!”
    jen: Alien versus Billy Idol!
    sean: Alien would fear the sneer. 🙂 Alien vs. Prince!
    jen: Alien
    sean: i guess not even Prince’s space age guitar phallus can defeat the Alien
    jen: no, but if it was prince vs predator, the answer would be: funk.

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  • Sean 3:27 pm on February 5, 2007 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: defective   

    Phil S.: -6
    Phil S.: wtf!?
    Phil S.: i mant
    Phil S.: :!
    Phil S.: omg!
    Phil S.: i can’t even smilie tonight
    Sean: you’re defective

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  • Sean 1:24 pm on December 7, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: theft,   

    {when asked what she was doing wandering the halls}

    Ellie: they were all on the phone. and i was bored. so i stole a giraffe.

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  • Sean 11:45 am on December 7, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: band names, emo   

    {while discussing a concert put on by a local radio station}

    Jen: “coming up next, another reminder why you’re not going to buy a ticket to Winter Roundup! our new emo band, Peanut Butter Agonizing!”
    Sean: “but first, another track from ‘I Cut Myself’. here’s their latest, I Cry Behind My Thick Glasses.”
    Jen: “after that, the new song She Won’t Text Me Back (So I’ll Just Keep Calling) by ‘Leaf Litter Rising'”
    Sean: “opening for our winter roundup will be the up and coming ‘Musica Obscurica’. you may have heard their hit single Life is Hollow and Bleak (And I’m the Only One that Knows).”

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  • Sean 10:40 pm on November 24, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , poker   

    (While playing Texas Hold-em poker)

    {Max turns over a 4 on the flop}
    Steve Y.: Damnit! That’s the meat in my pancakes.
    Everyone: You eat meat in your pancakes?

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  • Sean 9:43 pm on September 24, 2006 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bathhouse, rimjobs   

    ruth: doesn’t a bathhouse just scream rimjobs?

    madeline: you gotta think if you scream “rimjob” at a bathhouse, you’ve a good chance of getting one.

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