Sean: someone on the news just said “tornadic activity”
Jen: i think that’s something that happens when your gall bladder produces too much bile
Sean: that’s…horrific
Jen: or else it’s where a dog’s stomach gets twisted and the vet has to go unwind it
and when the vet is in there he finds out the dog has also been eating pennies
that is called a Penny Tornado
Updates from Sean Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts
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Sean
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Sean
(while talking on the phone)
Sarah: So you want me to pick you up some blueberry oatmeal?
Sean: What? Did you say bloobies?
Sarah: No. What are bloobies?
Sean: Sounds like a combination of blueberry and boobies.
Sarah: Ugh.
Sean: Smurf tits!
Sarah: You’re disgusting. -
Sean
Jen: there is an ad on a webpage that says “Shop Now! Adult Costumes”, but the lady in the picture is fully clothed and dressed as just a slightly bosomy Queen of Hearts
so i am confused. is this an online store for grown-up sized costumes, or a store where i can buy costumes to make me look like a slut?Sean: grown up costumes for people that want to go out for halloween, but not be slutty.
also available – non-sexy librarianJen: nobody likes stores like that
Sean: frumpy teacher
Jen: Professional Nurse
Sean: ha. she’s good at her job, she doesn’t need to be a whore
Jen: Inhumanoid Alien
Sean: Grouchy Policewoman
Jen: Policewoman with Practical Boots
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Sean
(discussing the possibility of an Alien prequel)
Jen: prequel? who could possibly be interested in that crap
Jen: Alien 0: Gassing Up the Nostromo
Alien 0: Some Random Aliens Crashed into a PlanetSean: Alien 0: Man, Tom Skerritt looks old
Alien 0: Ripley Picks out a Cat at the Intergalactic Humane SocietyJen: Alien 0: Suspicious New Doctor
Alien 0: Ripley Plans a Birthday Party for Next YearSean: we’ll see her opening up a storage bag with some of those trick birthday candles in it.
but the joke will be on her.
since, ya know, it’s like 80 years later.Jen: it was her daughter’s birthday
“wah wah wah, i promised her i’d be home for her 10th birthday! wah wah wah, daughter is dead.”Sean: that’ll teach her to procreate and then get attacked by an unscrupulous robot doctor controlled by a mega-corporation hellbent on studying an interesting but deadly new creature
Jen: Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit!
seriously that step 3 was always the problem for me with the aliens.
Step 1: Aliens.
Step 2: Paul Reiser.Sean: Step 3 involved leaving the room and snorting a lot of coke
Jen: that’s some good screenwriting.
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Sean
(while at a fancy dinner)
Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!
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Sean
(while discussing the FDA’s new power over cigarettes)
Sean: They should separate the Drugs from the FDA. They should just do food.
Brian: Right, so what does the FDA even regulate now?
Sean: Things you put in your mouth?
Brian: Bah. They should be the Food and Dick Administration.
Sean: Uhh…
Brian: Wait, not that I put those in my mouth! -
Sean
{while walking down steps to the local beach on a beautiful day}
Overly tan woman (enthusiastically): Hey! You guys must be down here to get a tan!
[Sean and Dawn look at their own pale skin]
Tan woman (still enthusiastic): Are you here from one of the cold countries?!
[Awkward pause]
Dawn: Um…no.
[Tan woman walks away, undoubtedly to tell all her friends how people from the “cold countries” are albino jerks.] -
Sean
Christine: I can drive.
Sean: Cool.
Christine: So it’ll be you, me, Paka, Vince and Brian in my car.
{Vince walks up}
Christine: I’m gonna be in a man sandwich all day!
Vince: What the hell! -
Sean
(an asian sorority is giving out fundraiser fliers for Panda Express.)
(meanwhile, in line)Girl (eyeing form in boyfriend’s hand): Do you really want to give them 20% of your money?
Boyfriend: Hmm?
Girl: You know. (whispers) The asians. -
Sean
(while driving through San Simeon, CA on Highway 1)
Sarah: What the fuck?!
Sean (surprised): What?
{Sarah points out the window. Sean looks.}
Sean: What the fuck?!{In a field to the side of the freeway are half a dozen Zebras, calmly grazing. ZEBRAS}
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Sean
(Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club)
Christine: Tyler, you’re really sweaty.
Tyler: Christine, you DON’T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much.
*shocked pause*
Tyler (gesturing): Hey Sean, come listen to what I just told Christine! -
Sean
a man wearing a cowboy hat at a night club approaches Jen from behind. he stands inches away, dancing suggestively behind her
Christine: Jen, don’t turn around.
Jen turns around.
Jen (to the cowboy): Fuck off! You’re so very rude! Fuck off!
Cowboy stammers a bit, then leaves.later
Cowyboy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.
Jen: Then stop being rude!even later
Cowboy (holding unlit cigarette): Hey, do you guys have a light?
Jen, Christine, Sean: No! -
Sean
Christine: So I was watching Kill Bill on TBS the other day, and they kept bleeping it when people said Uma Thurman’s character’s name. What was it?
Brian: Cunty McDickerson.
Christine: Oh. That is pretty bad. Makes sense they had to censor it. -
Sean
Jen: the most deadly of octopus is as but a mewling baby in a death match with chuck norris when compared to the most mild-mannered of the vile squid.
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Sean
(while discussing sexual “oops” moments at the local pub)
Brian: ‘Oops’ is a myth even in my most drunken moments. There’s no oops. That would be like a girl saying “Oops, I went down on you with my nostril!” True story, a girl did actually go down on me once with her nostril…
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Sean
(while discussing what to doodle at our next pub quiz night)
Jen: i thought of a way better idea for the back of Sheet 4 tomorrow
“TRUE and INTERESTING Facts About Vaginas Not Appearing in Tonight’s Program”1) “The modern day vagina was invented in 1832 by George Washington Carver, who also discovered over 300 uses for the peanut and invented the pickled egg.”
2) “True Fact! Many famous celebrities have a strong vagina heritage. Two you may have heard of are Famous Hollywood Actors Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, who underwent extensive plastic surgery to be more “camera friendly”
“They would later go on to found Planet Hollywood, a famous vagina restaurant chain.”
Sean: “Filled with the world’s best vagina paraphernalia hanging on the walls.”
3) “After the women’s suffragist movement of the early 20th century, vaginas started coming in 31 different flavors. This was the inspiration for the Baskin Robbins chain of ice cream shops.”
Jen: “Early favorites: strawberry, pistachio, musk.”
Sean: hehe. “Early rejected flavors: saltwater taffy, avocado, tobacco”
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Sean
Jen: i like that on netflix, they list Keith Carradine as costarring in Deadwood in every single episode.
Sean: the spirit of buffalo bill lives on!
Jen: they should say “Co-stars Keith Carradine* (*Keith Carradine fans should prepare for disappointment.)”
Sean: the head of his fan club should file a complaint
Jen: “where’s keith carradine???” “watch episode 2” “nooooooooooo!”
Sean: “i’m running dangerously low on carradine, as required by my doctor”
Jen: it’s what you take when you’re feeling melodramatic
Jen: “what do i have, doctor?” “you have a case of the Shut the Hell Ups. take some carradine.”
Sean: for the small cases, he prescribes carradine with added david essense. -
Sean
Jen: well obviously i’m not getting nude in the office, but there’s definitely a psycho dance vibe here
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Sean
(inside local restaurant – lunchtime)
Christine (sniffing): Hey, it smells like bacon in here.
Shasta (sniffing): Hmm, It does smell like bacon.
*Shasta spots a uniformed police officer grabbing a soda a few feet away.*
Christine: Yeah, totally smells like bacon.
Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh.
Christine: What? Why?
Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh. I’ll explain in a minute.
*The cop leaves* -
Sean
(the mocking sean hour continues)
jen: do you wear the sorting hat when you go online to harry potter sex chatrooms?
sean: how do you think i get all the witches?
jen: i really don’t want to think about that
“I sort you into the house that dances around a little and takes off your clothes, and I sort you two into the house that gets a little drunk and makes out with each other at parties, and I sort you to the house that sits on my lap and laughs hilariously at everything I say. Accio condoms!” -
Sean
(as a Gunther concert lets out and the crowd disperses)
Random Male Student: I’m not sure yet. He did ask me to taste his semen.
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Sean
Stephen: you should have written the tag line for leprechaun 6. the current one is “evil has a whole new rap!” i know some white guy in a neckerchief wrote that.
Sean: he wore a special green neckerchief the day that he wrote that. you know, for inspirationSean: Leprechaun 7: Lady Lumps “Somewhere over the rainbow, even an evil leprechaun can find love!”
Stephen: Leprechaun 8: Off the Chain?
Sean: Leprechaun 9: Miami Style starring David Caruso and his sunglasses
Stephen: Leprechaun 10: Spreadin’ the Cheese
Sean: Leprechaun 11: Bam! Killin’ it up a notch
Stephen: Leprechaun 12: One Death to a Baker’s Dozen
Sean: Leprechaun 13: Sifting through the Blood of Time
Stephen: Leprechaun 14: Overkill!
Sean: Leprechaun 15: Leprechaun vs. The Tooth Fairy
Stephen: Leprechaun 16: 16 Ways to Die in Ireland
Sean: Leprechaun 17: Fall of the Gold Market
Stephen: Leprechaun 18: Thoughts and Feelings
Sean: Leprechaun 19: Chillin’ at Walden PondStephen: Leprechaun XX: Keep the Dream Alive
Sean: Leprechaun XXI: Roman Bathhouse Battle Royale
Stephen: Leprechaun XXII: Green to Red, Live to Dead
Stephen: it’d be shaped as an X — the “to” in the middle, and the title as the cross pieces. so just one “to”
Sean: Leprechaun XXIII: Halloscream’s Eve
Stephen: Leprechaun XXIV: Bruce Willis Cameo
Sean: Leprechaun XXV: Electric Boogaloo
Stephen: Leprechaun XXVI: Counting Rose Petals
Sean: Leprechaun XXVII: Where For Art Thou Gold
Stephen: Leprechaun XXVIII: Moonlighting
Sean: Leprechaun XXIX: Shorties Killing ShortiesStephen: Leprechaun xXx: xXx Vs. Leprechaun
Sean: Leprechaun XXXI: Enemy Combatant
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXII: Tending Bar
Sean: Leprechaun XXXIII: Down & Out & Paying Child Support
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXIV: XXXIV Ways to Die in Ireland
Sean: Leprechaun XXXV: Corned Beef with a Side of Blood
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXVI: Leprechaun’s Run
Sean: Leprechaun XXXVII: Return of the Platinum Pirate
Stephen: Leprechaun XXXVIII: Legendary
Sean: Leprechaun XXXIX: Too X to HandleStephen: Leprechaun XXXX: Not a Lawn Gnome, 4 Reelz
Sean: actually, it’s XL
Stephen: doh!
Stephen: Leprechaun XLI: Letters and Numbers
Sean: Leprechaun XLII: Dysfunctional Family Reunion
Stephen: Leprechaun XLIII: Owen Wilson Plays Himself
Sean: Leprechaun XLIV: LIVe Green or Die
Stephen: Leprechaun XLV: Wicked Workout
Sean: Leprechaun XLVI: Killin to the Oldies
Stephen: Leprechaun XLVII: Causality
Sean: Leprechaun XLVIII: Occam’s Razor…..of Pain
Stephen: Leprechaun XLIX: Speeding Zalicks
Sean: Leprechaun L: Lusty Lesbians -
Sean
Madeline: i don’t trust anyone who sucks at blowjobs in my kitchen.
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Sean
(While Alex and Billy are getting ready to go out.)
Alex: I really love blowjobs.
Billy (sultry): Close the door.
Alex (to everyone waiting in the hall): I’ll be 30 seconds.
{the door closes} -
Sean
Vy: You know. It’s like when you wake up, and your butt hurts, and you don’t know why.
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Sean
jen: giant squid used up all my jergens!
sean: i tried to tell you! they’re totally selfish
jen: it’s because of giant squid that i buy jergens to keep on my desk, and my own good lotion to keep in my desk.
sean: smart. -
Sean
Alien Vs. Predator – The Game!
jen: here are the rules: somebody offers up somebody or something to fight against Alien. the other person decides the winner.
jen: I’ll start: Alien versus Sasquatch!
sean: oooh, tough one. as long as the alien didn’t get the drop on sassy, i think he could crush the alien with his raw power. but it’d be close.
sean: Alien vs. the original Terminator!
jen: wow, that’s tough. i’d give it to Alien in that one. original Terminator was kind of a puss. once some acid blood got on him, he’d be a big puddle.
jen: Alien versus Fluffy Kittens!
sean: hehe. alien, while temporarily distracted by their supreme cuteitude, regretfully dispatches of the fluffy kittens.
jen: and Fluffy Kittens vs. Predator?
sean: the predator doesn’t attack unarmed and defenseless creatures. he’d put them on craigslist and find them a good home. besides, their pelt would be too small to be a suitable trophy
jen: hm, ok. what if it was fluffy kittens with bombs strapped to their tummies?
sean: predator would laser them from afar. the little puffs of exploding fur would sadden him slightly
sean: Alien vs. Ghostbusters!
jen: Alien. he is not made out of ectoplasm.(later that evening)
jen: Alien vs. The Human Condition!
sean: Alien vs. ennui!
jen: Alien versus Seasonal Affective Disorder!
sean: Alien vs. the Catholic Church!
jen: Alien as religious revolutionary… 🙂 Alien versus the Heartbreak of Genital Herpes!
sean: Alien vs. Doris the Ex-Girlfriend! “i told you it’s over. stop calling here!”
jen: Alien versus Billy Idol!
sean: Alien would fear the sneer. 🙂 Alien vs. Prince!
jen: Alien
sean: i guess not even Prince’s space age guitar phallus can defeat the Alien
jen: no, but if it was prince vs predator, the answer would be: funk. -
Sean
Phil S.: -6
Phil S.: wtf!?
Phil S.: i mant
Phil S.: :!
Phil S.: omg!
Phil S.: i can’t even smilie tonight
Sean: you’re defective -
Sean
{when asked what she was doing wandering the halls}
Ellie: they were all on the phone. and i was bored. so i stole a giraffe.
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