{while discussing a concert put on by a local radio station} Jen: “coming up next, another reminder why you’re not going to buy a ticket to Winter Roundup! our new emo band, Peanut Butter Agonizing!” Sean: “but first, another track from ‘I Cut Myself’. here’s their latest, I Cry Behind My Thick Glasses.” Jen: “after …
Author Archives: Sean
Lambcakes?
(While playing Texas Hold-em poker) {Max turns over a 4 on the flop} Steve Y.: Damnit! That’s the meat in my pancakes. Everyone: You eat meat in your pancakes?
Bathhouse Ordering System
ruth: doesn’t a bathhouse just scream rimjobs? madeline: you gotta think if you scream “rimjob” at a bathhouse, you’ve a good chance of getting one.
Mansquitos Need Love Too
(sexy sci-fi what-ifs) sean: i need my ladies to be at least 50% pure human lady jen: well, you’re picky. jen: bisexual mosquito ladies need love too sean: her one quarter mosquito instincts might decide to exsanguinate me in bed. i can’t take that risk. jen: um….heh. are you sure? sean: ladysquitos and vampires are …
Copulating Cousins
(hick battle) Jen: they are making sweet love to their cousins down there, boy. Sean: they wouldn’t dare! Jen: they bring them flowers and candies and hope they get to cousin third base Sean: they’re a blue drop in a sea of red. they’ve got to set examples Jen: which they always do, cause those …
Vagina Hubris
sean: the new trend seems to be viagra emails with random text from LOTR inserted at the end jen: so eventually you’ll have the whole book sean: “there are a lot more amazed vaginas in this story than i remember from the movie.” jen: “Quaking in fear, Frodo beheld the horrible spider. From behind him …
Search Queries 2006 Part 2
(it continues) sean: i found “fucking women” jen: wow. so how many of those do you get? sean: 17 this month alone jen: i think you and i need to have a talk. jen: about all these fucking women. sean: man, i wish i had a women fucking problem jen: i don’t know how to …
Search Queries 2006 Part 1
(search queries) sean: ah, here’s one of yours: cool runnings plot point jen: wait, they were searching for ANY plot point? sean: yup. and THREE people searched for that so far this month jen: fucking awesome! you don’t know what # you were, by any chance? sean: shows up as #2 on mine sean: only …
Ron Silver Abortion
jen: I wonder if there’s any way we can ensure that we stay on top of the Ron Silver Abortion game. jen: which would be an awesome, yet deeply disturbing, home game. jen: the object of the game is to not roll Ron Silver. sean: the packaging would be….outstanding sean: “i rolled an abortion! i …
Spanktastic
Ryan: If it involves paddles, I’m in.
Wild Drinks
jen: there are no bad batches of margaritas. only batches of margaritas that haven’t been tamed yet!
Lord Piñata
sean: i’m eating easter candy. does that make me a bad jew? jen: you can’t eat the candy if you’ve killed our Lord. jen: unless, while he was being crucified, he was stuck with a spear and candy fell out sean: oooh. our lord the piñata. the holy grail was actually a candy bowl! jen: …
Myspace’s New Motto
(while walking to the liquor store before Jason’s band plays nearby) Sean: I’m glad I found out about this. Ha, MySpace, bringing people together. Jason: Yeah, it’s not the usual: Bringing together child molesters and 12 year old girls. Woman walks out of the store, giving Jason a disgusted look. Jason (apologetic): Um, no I …
Political Actors
sean: hahahahaha. thanks to our little time travel conversation, the 11th google result for “abortion, ron silver” is the quotes page jen: “abortion, ron silver”? why would anybody be searching for that? sean: someone must be curious about ron silver’s abortion stance. next query “child labor, steven segal” jen: “equal housing rights, lou diamond phillips” …
Pussy Squared?
(overheard on campus) Woman 1: It was the cat’s meow! Woman 2: I thought it was the cat’s pajamas. Woman 1: The cat’s vagina? Woman 2: Yeah, that’s totally it.
Sequelmania
(while perusing an upcoming movie sequel site) jen: “Charlie’s Angels 3 is going to be a lot more like the TV series. And I am absolutely thrilled that my good friend John Travolta is going to have a cameo role!” jen: that screaming sound you hear is my brains exiting my skull at high velocity. …
This Job Pay Much?
topic: computer job interview questions Jen: “Uh huh, it says here that you used to intern at Bell Labs. Tell me, what do you think about head?” “Personally, I love it. Think about it all the time. Right now, in fact. So, you have two years of database experience?” and later “How do you handle …
Bad Prancer
Mika: So I told them Sean had questionable breeding. Sean: Oh. Wait, what?! V: He’s not a dog Mika! Jen: You’ll never get Best In Show now Sean. I’m sorry.
Clerking
opening presents Dad: It plays DVDs and CDs. Tessa (reading box): It does 400…..dicks. Uh, I mean discs! Steve, Anna & Max (at once): In a row?!
Temptation
[the out of context battle continues] jen: i snuck out of my bed last night and had some. jen: i was laying there thinking about how it was in the next room, so i finally gave up and got some, and then i wanted more. jen: wait, that sounded dirty.
Babies R Delicious
madeline: nerd sean: geek madeline: pedophile sean: baby cannibal madeline: puppy shishkababer sean: raccoon fornicator madeline: atheist sean: mormon madeline: my computer got unplugged. mike did it…christian fundamentalist. sean: always blaming others…..republican madeline: i put blame where blame is due… anti-abortion doctor-killer. sean: a likely story….televangelist madeline: bake me cookies… apartheid supporter. sean: bake your …
Modern Medical Science
(while discussing medical form letters letting you know if A) [ ] you’re going to die from a horrible disease or B) [ ] it’s not a tumor) alex: that’s be great if the ‘x’ that marks the box was kind of in two boxes and you weren’t sure what the diagnosis was. sean: “damnit. …
High School Teachers Tho…
(overheard outside a restaurant) Man: Nah, it won’t work out. Preschool teachers never give you a happy ending.
Safe Smoking
(overheard while eating lunch) Guy 1: I mean, you can stick a lit cigarette up your ass and nothing will happen. Guy 2: Well, you might get burned. Guy 1: Sure, but the filter should help with that.
No Software Either
Randall: Ok, another homeless person with a laptop? He isn’t getting my change.
Who Needs Warm
(turning a corner in the car, a few women cross the street in front of us) Brad: Moooooooo!!! Josh: Awww. Hey now. Brad: Don’t worry Josh, she’ll still be warm for another 45 minutes after you hit her with the car.
Easter Egg Win
jen: it’s like finding an easter egg made of hilarious.
Baby Nibbling
(while discussing Thanksgiving versus other holidays) Lee: Yeah, I’ve heard that Thanksgiving has the most babies consumed out of all the holidays. Sean, Tessa, Max: {blank stare} Lee: Conceived! Babies conceived! I don’t eat babies!
Cutting Humor
Billy: Damnit, I’m still waiting for a steak knife to cut this meat. Sean (jokingly reaching for his pocket): You can borrow my knife if you want. Billy: Ha, I just might at this point. Sean: On second thought, you don’t know where it’s been. Billy: Oh yeah? Sean: Yeah, you’d be cutting your food …
‘For Use on Penis’
(the phone rings) Sean: Hello, this is Sean. Vanessa: Hi Sean. Um, do you have a key to the president’s office? Sean: Yeah, why? Vanessa: Can you come down here and unlock it? I have to put stickers on condoms. Sean: Uh, ok then.