(while reaching for some brie at a holiday party, his arm precariously close to being burned)
Alex: uh oh. I don’t think I should be cutting the cheese over these candles.
Toe Typing
tessardiva: i’m typing with wet nails
wittymusketeer: use your toes
tessardiva: im doing ok thank you
tessardiva: its a challenge
wittymusketeer: landing on the moon is a challenge, typing with wet fingernails is a byproduct of the commercialization of beauty
wittymusketeer: i’ve been watching to much daria
It was a long time coming
“My turtle ran away!” – a very sad story from the mouth of a distraught college student.
Sandbagged
Dawn: there’s a river running in the grass outside my backdoor
Jen: they might have to sandbag your porch. they do that some years there.
Dawn: darn 1st floor apartment
Jen: a river runs through it.
Dawn: unless Brad Pitt is in that river, i don’t want it in my apartment.
2 Higher on the Religion Scale
“Atheist? So that’s better than Catholic right?” -said to me by my roomate.
Pay Smut Was Bankrupting Me
Lora: Hell Yeah! Free Porn
Seven Days
(most of us had recently seen the new movie ‘The Ring’)
lopaka: …7 days…
sean: cleaning a broom closet takes…7 days
jen: dissolving a body in acid takes…7 days
lopaka: 1 week is … 7 days
jen: 7 hours at work feels like…7 days
sean: the common cold can last…for 7 days
jen: lopaka, what really happens in 7 days?
sean: lopaka has not had a bowel movement..in 7 days
jen: TMI alert!
Heat Vision Gifts
steve: I wanna be Superman for Christmas.
North or South?
Billy: What are you doing?
Lora: nothing…the Koreans are here
Stop
stephenmhock: what would have happened if MC Hammer had really liked water?
Auto response from Narfa5: shower time.
Equal Rights
Billy: What kind of a world is it when a man will get arrested for backhanding a woman, but a woman will not get arrested for flicking a man in the balls.
Super Slurpee
jess: i’m enjoying this slurpee on a whole new level that slurpees shouldn’t be enjoyed on!
At Least you Frolick
on her day at work:
Jen: I frolick in a sea of bastard retards.
So, Hockey Then?
sean: yup. hockey is on
alex: yea, hockey is where it’s at
sean: hockey is da place
alex: hockey in ya face
sean: hockey – it’s a pants thing
alex: hockey – not just for cows anymore
sean: hockey – 4 out of 5 dentists agree, it’s greeeeaaat!
alex: it would take 10 games of monopoly to equal the amount of hotels you can build in just one game of hockey!
alex: women have one period a month, hockey has three in a night!
sean: we’ve replaced alex’s golf with hockey, let’s see if he notices the difference..
sean: when your wife leaves you, your truck breaks down, and your dog dies, turn to hockey. country music will only depress you
alex: do sports really have the ability to hurt, mame, and kill you? sports do. -hockey
sean: H E Double Hockey Sticks. Hockey, the choice of sport for the underworld
alex: hockey: play it, you pussy
sean: hockey: if you’re not bleeding and bruised, you’re not playing it right
alex: hockey: teeth optional
sean: this isn’t your mom’s hockey
alex: hockey: it’s like soccer, but fun.
sean: hockey: it’s like sex, but with more padding and a mouthguard. and slightly less penetration
alex: on the road of life there is opera, and there is hockey. opera sucks
sean: i came here to chew bubblegum and play hockey. and i’m all outta bubblegum
alex: if you like to crush the competition, work in a team, go for the gold, and play to win: join the rowing team. if you like to fight: play hockey
sean: chickens have no lips, worms have no arms, and football players have no necks. stop thinking about body parts and pick up your god damned hockey stick already
sean: hockey: i ain’t wearin’ this cup because it’s fashionable
alex: hockey: big gloves, big skates, big sticks… you figure it out
alex: in the game of life you can be anything you want to be. but wouldn’t you just rather play hockey?
sean: hockey: when we’re not making lists, we’re kicking your asses
Laser Laser
alexatitp: laser tag bazooka?
DEM0NH00D: hehe, that’s just nuts
alexatitp: laser tag nerve gas
alexatitp: laser tag demoralizing propoganda…
DEM0NH00D: laser tag barbed wire
DEM0NH00D: laser tag suicide pill
alexatitp: laser tag wartime brothel
DEM0NH00D: laser tag VD
alexatitp: laser tag pine box / battleship sea burial kit
DEM0NH00D: laser tag insignia wrapped over coffin
alexatitp: laser tag powered automobiles
DEM0NH00D: laser tag gatorade flavor
alexatitp: laser tag news night with laser winning anchor, laser tag johnson
DEM0NH00D: laser tag: invisible beams of pleasure. starring Jenna Jameson
Crazy Bout Nature
Driving downtown in the morning. Two leaves are stuck between the car hood and the windshield. They flap in the wind.
Alex: See the little leaves. They dance in the breeze, like children.
Jen: That was beautiful.
Alex: I HATE THEM! I WISH THEY WOULD GO AWAY AND DIE!
Verdana is Fish
(while discussing what font to use on ICQ)
Jessica: verdana? looks like Arial. everything looks like Arial. Arial is like the chicken of fonts.
Private Parts, Second Class
Steve H. : Sgt. Dickerheimer just picked Matt up.
Jen: Tell me that’s not really his name.
Steve: Nah, its Hollinger or something. But I liked Dickenheimer better.
Jen: It’s a good one.
Mustard Bandwidth
(around lunchtime, in two different locations)
alex: man i’m so hungry
sean: so hungry you’re hungy eh. i should make me a samich
alex: then feed it to me
sean: my cable modem does not support the food protocol
alex: stupid cox.
alex: i ate a pizza over dsl the other day
alex: it was digilicious
Restrain the One You Love
DEM0NH00D: pretty cheap
averybridgette: whats cheap
averybridgette: your prostitute?
DEM0NH00D: yeah
DEM0NH00D: she fell apart
DEM0NH00D: i was disappointed
DEM0NH00D: couldn’t even get my money back
averybridgette: at least you have the sheep
DEM0NH00D: i mean, that was bus fare
averybridgette: and your handcuffs
DEM0NH00D: the sheep will never leave me
DEM0NH00D: because i have the handcuffs 🙂
So Polite
sean: snatch, always a pleasure
Medical Hobbies
sean: you’re a very helpful man. hell, i was just talking to my doctor the other day, and i told him how helpful you were in removing my spleen with a spork, a dirty rock, and a pair of tongs.
alex: you didn’t tell him my name, did you?
sean: no, i sorta passed out.
alex: exxxxcellent.
She Screams that Everywhere
(while in Chilis, talking to an off duty waiter named Gregg. Gregg, btw, is the one that sings Happy Birthday opera style.)
Avery: Oh yeah, so you like the lakers?
Gregg: Yeah.
(sometime later)
(lakers score a basket)
Avery: Woooooh. Show us your tits!
(Gregg shakes his head, looks around as if to say “this girl is crazy”)
Helps Pass The Time
Paka: What?? I’m not drunk enough to drive!
MASSiVE
sean: oh yea, look at my massive 2 inches…
Geography Major
SMcGheek: nah. you see that thing about greenland?
rehren: no, what is it?
SMcGheek: slashdot.org
rehren: iceland you mean?
SMcGheek: ya
SMcGheek: same thing 😉
rehren: it is?
SMcGheek: no
SMcGheek: joking
Our Lord’s Paper Towel
While discussing a Catholic mass Dawn had recently attended…
Narfa5 (1:57:39 PM): and i probably would have really gone off when i drank the wine
Narfa5 (1:57:47 PM): they were using the communal cup too
Narfa5 (1:57:50 PM): which is icky
JenRHock (1:58:01 PM): no, no no! they wipe it with the Napkin of Our Lord.
Narfa5 (1:58:12 PM): oh yeah, what was i thinking?
Narfa5 (1:58:25 PM): god will kill the germies!
Narfa5 (1:58:30 PM): but wait, he can’t do that, can he?
JenRHock (1:58:34 PM): The Lord’s Napkin is made antibacterial by the Grace of Our Lord Jesus.
Surely Not That Dumb
while discussing stupid coworkers
alex: how’s work for you? are you getting dumber by being there?
jen: i’m so dumb now, I could be a professor. i’m so dumb now, i could draft a policy initiative. i could sit on the board of trustees. i could implement a campus wide email system… Â Â i am that dumb.
Really Fast Then?
feeding jen a useful car fact for future conversations
alex:ok, try this: the new SVT Mustang Cobra does zero to sixty in 4.5 seconds and pulls .9 Gs on the skidpad. Those are impressive numbers for 35 thousand dollars…. now you say it.
jen: the new VCM Cobra does zero to sixty in 42 seconds and pulls 6.9 Gs on the skidpad. all that for 30 grand? impressive.
Gang Gagging
alexatitp (10:45:31 AM): lolly gaggling and tom foolery are sure paths to raddness ruination
stealthjeffer (10:46:11 AM): i don’t know about you, but i wouldn’t mind gagging lolly.