Quotes Page

(the story continues…)

Jen: “Sean sat frozen in his chair and shook with terrifying fear. This, he realized was not checkmate at all, but rather checkmate and then his opponent set fire to the checkerboard and laughed maniacally, because he had turned out to be some type of maniac.”

Sean: “Flashmaster Jay, who was a bird, but not a renowned chess player, smugly picked blood from his birdlike beak. Sean was right where he wanted him to be; right in front of Jay. Allison’s detached eyeball squirmed uncomfortably in the pocket of his argyle sweater. He would have to get it washed at the renowned Chinese laundromat down the street sometime later this week.”

Jen: “After a moment or perhaps just a fleeting second of screaming silence, Sean finally spoke: “Well, what are you going to do with me?”

Jen: “For a moment, Jay said nothing, as one of his feathers was still picking blood from his beak. “Hang on, there’s just a thing…I was eating popcorn earlier…ok.” Victoriously, Jay flicked the hull that had been stuck in his beak into the hallway, then faced Sean maniacally once more.”
Jen: “What am I going to do with you? You fool! Nothing, of course. Nothing, except… THIS!”

Sean: “KAW!” Jay kawed, as he flew from his perch, swooping down into Sean’s face. He maniacally flapped his wings, striking the system administrator about the head. “Hey, quit it!” Sean protested.

Jen: “Just when all hope was lost and Sean’s nostrils were filled with the musty scent of a melange of bird, argyle, and what he suspiciously suspected was eyeball, a hand covered in black lace appeared, wrapping itself around the bird, and hurled it out the door, where it could have died for all Sean knew.”

Sean: “Allison!” Sean exclaimed, wiping maniacal bird spittle from his cheek. Allison, framed in the doorway and lit only by the humming fluorescent lights of Sean’s office, had her back to Sean. Her long pitch black hair fell devastatingly to the small of her back. Sean stared at her completely clothed ass for a moment before regaining his tremendous composure.”

Jen: “Allison turned slowly, the dim flourescent light highlighting the gentle curves of her face and the alluring arc of a black eyepatch. “Don’t worry, my darling system administrator,” she said, moving gracefully across the room to sit on the corner of Sean’s mahogany desk and cross her legs, which Sean also did not look at. “That bird won’t be bothering you any more, for all you know.” Allison arched her back slightly and reached into the top of one thigh-high boot, which Sean was certain he’d never seen her wear before but which complemented her eyepatch very well indeed. “However, my darling, in the interests of saving time later, perhaps you should know that my name is not Allison.” Her lace-gloved hand emerged holding a corn cob pipe, which she lit, and leaned in towards Sean. “You know what I’m here for.”

Sean: Sean resisted the temptation to utter the words “My body?” While he had heard tales of renowned individuals being sexed up by lace-gloved women, it had never happened to him. The terrible truth was, he knew exactly what ‘Almost Allison’ was here for. As he fixated on the gentle puffing sounds emanating from the finely crafted corn cob pipe, Sean was desperately formulating a plan of action. “Before we get to that,” Sean began, “What is your real name?” Not-Allison raised an eyebrow and took the long stem of the corn cob pipe out of her pursed lips.

Jen: “My name?” she said, arching one eyebrow. “Sadie Lockhaven, darling, at your service.” She held out a lace-gloved hand, but before the renowned system administrator could take it, a strange sound emanated from beyond the doorway.

Jen: i feel like i should have explained that the name Sadie Lockhaven is a combination of my dog’s name and one of the streets i grew up on.

Sean: ha, Sadie is porn-name Jen. nice

Sean: “Sadie and Sean craned their necks in a birdlike manner, trying to see what was rapping near Sean’s office door. Suddenly and most unexpectantly, a hawk wearing a turquoise bandana lumbers into view, accompanying by the maniacal Flashmaster Jay perched upon this new bird’s majestic shoulder. The hawk cocked his head, inspecting Sadie and Sean as he would a small rodent from high atop his perch.”

Jen: “Sadie tossed her head back and laughed derisively. “What happened, Flashmaster Jay, couldn’t bring yourself to confront me again without your muscle to back you up?” asked Sadie, tossing her hair around in a suspiciously flambouyant manner. Sean thought it smelled like lilacs. The small avian maniac did not respond, but dug his tiny claws into the hawk’s magnificent shoulder. “Kaw!” he kawed, and the hawk leapt into action.”

Sean: “Watch out, his majestic beak is probably quite sharp!” Sean screamed, diving for the floor. The hawk swooped down on the system administrator’s keyboard, with Jay still perfectly perched on his shoulder, acting calmly maniacal. The large bird began furiously typing, using his beak to improve his speed. “Nothing good can come from this,” Sadie whispered into Sean’s ear, half buried in the carpet of his second floor office.”

Jen: “The renowned systems administrator scoffed. “I scarcely think the fact that a glorious bird of prey is furiously typing at my computer is of any interest right now. What’s more important is this: why is he wearing a turquoise bandana?” At this, the tiny bird that still rode astride the hawk’s majestic shoulder turned to contemplate him. “You wish to know why? Why don’t you ask my friend Rosco?”

Sean has forwarded Jen an article (http://byneddiejingo.blogspot.com/2006/04/et-in-arcadia-ego.html). An IM conversation happens.

Sean: “Renowned systems administrator Sean sat down in his second floor office. He lunged for the keyboard, because lunging is a much better word then ‘reached’.”

Jen: “At the sound of a tapping in the doorway Sean froze and whirled around in his chair, bloodshot eyes from anxiety and bourbon widening in his head. In Sean, the renowned system administrator’s door, was the silhouette of a bird. The light was almost too dim to see that the bird was wearing a tiny argyle sweater.”

Sean: “The bird, whose name ‘Flashmaster Jay’ was embroidered on his tight-fitting argyle sweater, seemed to look through the system administrator’s soul. Sean fidgeted and adjusted his lime green polo shirt and his black slacks. Bourbon and pornography would be of no use to him here and now. It was but him and the tapping Flashmaster Jay in his second floor office.”

Jen: “The systems administrator lunged for his keyboard, remembered he was already holding it, and placed it carefully on his desk. Then the renowned person lunged for it again.
“You’ll never get what you’ve come for,” Sean hissed from between terrified teeth.
The bird smiled toothily, tapped his cornob pipe on the doorframe, and cocked his beady head. “Sean, Renowned System Administrator, I presume?””

Sean: “Sean’s terror stricken face struck a proud pose for a moment. He was proud to know the renown of Sean had spread to the argyle sweater wearing animal kingdom community. The system administrator gently stroked his non-existent beard, trying to appear calmer than he actually was.”

Jen: “Well, Monsieur Jay,” Sean said, his formidable logical mind firing up and calulating with a speed faster than a formidable supercomputer, “I suppose this means you’ve already spoken with Allison.”
The bird’s grin faded and he cocked his tiny, pointy head. “Allison? I don’t believe I know who that is.”
“Checkmate!” crowed the system administrator victoriously, “for you would never have located my sanctum if you had not spoken first to Allison!”
“Oh, Allison,” said the bird, brightly and with a murderous red gleam in his tiny beady eye. “Was she previously attached to this?”
From the pocket of his sweater, the bird produced a single human eyeball, dangling from its own optic nerve, holding it aloft after carefully placing his pipe between the top and bottom halves of his birdlike beak.

Sean: “Nooooooooooooooo,” Sean belted out, like a showtune, only sadder. “She was surely using that eyeball to see! You maniacal maniac bird!”

Jen: “I’m sorry,” said Flashmaster Jay as he carefully placed the eyeball back in his pocket, “but your words do not sway me or my mission, which is from God and who also can not be swayed. For you see, I am a maniac.”

Sean: …to be continued! this excellent fiction shall make its way to the quotes page tomorrow.

Jen: screw you, i’m quoting it now. you can quote tomorrow’s edition.

Sean: ha, fine then. quote away.

Jen: i will

Sean: good then