Jen: there is an ad on a webpage that says “Shop Now! Adult Costumes”, but the lady in the picture is fully clothed and dressed as just a slightly bosomy Queen of Hearts so i am confused. is this an online store for grown-up sized costumes, or a store where i can buy costumes to …
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Alien 0: Rise of the Riser
(discussing the possibility of an Alien prequel) Jen: prequel? who could possibly be interested in that crap Jen: Alien 0: Gassing Up the Nostromo Alien 0: Some Random Aliens Crashed into a Planet Sean: Alien 0: Man, Tom Skerritt looks old Alien 0: Ripley Picks out a Cat at the Intergalactic Humane Society Jen: Alien …
Unusual Food Delivery
(while at a fancy dinner) Sarah: Oh my god! It just shit a banana!
And Give up the Drugs?
(while discussing the FDA’s new power over cigarettes) Sean: They should separate the Drugs from the FDA. They should just do food. Brian: Right, so what does the FDA even regulate now? Sean: Things you put in your mouth? Brian: Bah. They should be the Food and Dick Administration. Sean: Uhh… Brian: Wait, not that …
Sun Worship
{while walking down steps to the local beach on a beautiful day} Overly tan woman (enthusiastically): Hey! You guys must be down here to get a tan! [Sean and Dawn look at their own pale skin] Tan woman (still enthusiastic): Are you here from one of the cold countries?! [Awkward pause] Dawn: Um…no. [Tan woman …
Lease to Own?
Chris: I should totally rent a midget! Max: You can’t “rent” a midget. Chris: Can I rent a dwarf? Max: You can’t rent people. Chris: I’ve been to Thailand, yes you can.
Who’s the Lettuce
Christine: I can drive. Sean: Cool. Christine: So it’ll be you, me, Paka, Vince and Brian in my car. {Vince walks up} Christine: I’m gonna be in a man sandwich all day! Vince: What the hell!
They’ll Spend it on Math!
(an asian sorority is giving out fundraiser fliers for Panda Express.) (meanwhile, in line) Girl (eyeing form in boyfriend’s hand): Do you really want to give them 20% of your money? Boyfriend: Hmm? Girl: You know. (whispers) The asians.
Not Painted Donkeys
(while driving through San Simeon, CA on Highway 1) Sarah: What the fuck?! Sean (surprised): What? {Sarah points out the window. Sean looks.} Sean: What the fuck?! {In a field to the side of the freeway are half a dozen Zebras, calmly grazing. ZEBRAS}
It’s My New IceBreaker
(Tyler enters the bar, covered in a layer of sweat from dancing for hours at a club) Christine: Tyler, you’re really sweaty. Tyler: Christine, you DON’T want to have sex with me. My wife has to hold up dish towels to my face when we do it because I sweat so much. *shocked pause* Tyler …
Ring Damn You!
(Heard by people in the lobby while I was complaining about an upgrade) Me: I don’t want to spend Friday night waiting for some dude to call!
Magic Eye Boobs
(Jen is wearing a dress with a small busy pattern.) Steve: Your dress is making me dizzy. Jen: Sorry, I never realized, since I don’t have to look at it. Steve: It’s like one of those posters with the hidden picture in it. Jen: Ha ha, Magic Eye! Yeah, I’ve got a sailboat hidden over …
So Creepy
Jen: Creepy. Sean: It’s a small and creepy world.
Shy Hyena?
Steve: I suspect that he misdiagnosed shyness as a hernia.
Just the Rudest
a man wearing a cowboy hat at a night club approaches Jen from behind. he stands inches away, dancing suggestively behind her Christine: Jen, don’t turn around. Jen turns around. Jen (to the cowboy): Fuck off! You’re so very rude! Fuck off! Cowboy stammers a bit, then leaves. later Cowyboy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean …
Meet the McDickersons
Christine: So I was watching Kill Bill on TBS the other day, and they kept bleeping it when people said Uma Thurman’s character’s name. What was it? Brian: Cunty McDickerson. Christine: Oh. That is pretty bad. Makes sense they had to censor it.
Squid Enlightenment
Jen: the most deadly of octopus is as but a mewling baby in a death match with chuck norris when compared to the most mild-mannered of the vile squid.
Snort Job
(while discussing sexual “oops” moments at the local pub) Brian: ‘Oops’ is a myth even in my most drunken moments. There’s no oops. That would be like a girl saying “Oops, I went down on you with my nostril!” True story, a girl did actually go down on me once with her nostril…
Watching Puppets IS Combat
Steve: I got an email from Matt yesterday. He said that nobody in his unit had ever seen “The Dark Crystal”. Jen: I thought you were going to say “real combat”. Steve: That too.
Vagina 2.0
(while discussing what to doodle at our next pub quiz night) Jen: i thought of a way better idea for the back of Sheet 4 tomorrow “TRUE and INTERESTING Facts About Vaginas Not Appearing in Tonight’s Program” 1) “The modern day vagina was invented in 1832 by George Washington Carver, who also discovered over 300 …
Classy Reading
(While discussing Romance Novels) Sara- “I don’t like having to hold a book while I masturbate”
This Monkey Craze
Sean (via IM): man, why does everyone have a monkey to love but me?!
Solving World Hunger
–In Vons, Move-In Week at UCSB– Slim, tan co-ed to her friends: I wish I was anorexic. Then I wouldn’t have to go grocery shopping.
Carradine Deficiency
Jen: i like that on netflix, they list Keith Carradine as costarring in Deadwood in every single episode. Sean: the spirit of buffalo bill lives on! Jen: they should say “Co-stars Keith Carradine* (*Keith Carradine fans should prepare for disappointment.)” Sean: the head of his fan club should file a complaint Jen: “where’s keith carradine???” …
And It’s Not Even Friday
Jen: well obviously i’m not getting nude in the office, but there’s definitely a psycho dance vibe here
Ass March
::While walking single file up a path:: Max: Sara you dropped… Sara: Is there something wrong with my ass?! Max:…your cigarettes.
So Much Bacon
(inside local restaurant – lunchtime) Christine (sniffing): Hey, it smells like bacon in here. Shasta (sniffing): Hmm, It does smell like bacon. *Shasta spots a uniformed police officer grabbing a soda a few feet away.* Christine: Yeah, totally smells like bacon. Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh. Christine: What? Why? Shasta (quietly): Shhhhhh. I’ll explain in a minute. …
Sordid Sorting Hat
(the mocking sean hour continues) jen: do you wear the sorting hat when you go online to harry potter sex chatrooms? sean: how do you think i get all the witches? jen: i really don’t want to think about that “I sort you into the house that dances around a little and takes off your …
Not Bathroom Prepared
A woman at work: “I don’t wear a helmet to go to the bathroom.”
I’m His Doctor
(as a Gunther concert lets out and the crowd disperses) Random Male Student: I’m not sure yet. He did ask me to taste his semen.