Vagina Hubris

sean: the new trend seems to be viagra emails with random text from LOTR inserted at the end
jen: so eventually you’ll have the whole book
sean: “there are a lot more amazed vaginas in this story than i remember from the movie.”
jen: “Quaking in fear, Frodo beheld the horrible spider. From behind him he heard Sam’s faintly whimper: “Is your vagina as amazed as mine?””
sean: now that’s literature.
sean: “The Balrog fell from the bridge, tumbling into the fiery depths of the center of the earth. If only he could have lasted longer with his woman, he might have survived.”
jen: “Gandalf leaned triumphantly over the edge. “Now THAT’S how you amaze a vagina!” he said with proud satisfaction. Suddenly, the ground beneath his feet began to crumble, and then he too fell into the void. “No!” cried Frodo, while Gimli hung his head in his huge hands. “Truly, Gandalf’s vagina hubris was his undoing.”
sean: best girl rock band name of the day “Vagina Hubris”
jen: i rewrote the plot of that bit a little
sean: i barely noticed. the vagina was interwoven with the regular story quite well
jen: i work with a public action group whose mission is to insert more vagina into literature.
sean: i am intrigued by your organization and would like to subscribe to your newsletter
jen: it’s tricky, but we’re making inroads. you should see what we’ve done with children’s literature – The Berenstain Bears’ First Haircut was particulary successful.

Search Queries 2006 Part 2

(it continues)

sean: i found “fucking women”
jen: wow. so how many of those do you get?
sean: 17 this month alone
jen: i think you and i need to have a talk.
jen: about all these fucking women.
sean: man, i wish i had a women fucking problem
jen: i don’t know how to tell you, but when all you’re doing is constantly fucking, women will never get a chance to know the real you.
sean: that’s a chance i’m willing to take. for awhile at least.
jen: gah, you broke form! all your sentences must contain the phrase “fucking women” in order for this to bump you up!
jen: the goal is to make you #1 in fucking women.
sean: damn! fucking women confused me
sean: i didn’t know that fucking women were so elusive that one had to google for them
jen: maybe they’re looking for fucking women techniques
jen: maybe they live in utah, and you can’t find a fucking woman anywhere. only nonfucking women.
sean: a damn shame. but i’m not sure a search engine ever helped any with fucking women. especially fucking religious women.
jen: i can’t stand those fucking women.
jen: with their vaginas and saving them for jesus.
sean: jesus isn’t going to do anything with those vaginas! what a fucking waste. women. bah.
jen: poor jesus.
sean: he should really clue those women in. there’s a guy on google who could use that vagina.

Search Queries 2006 Part 1

(search queries)

sean: ah, here’s one of yours: cool runnings plot point
jen: wait, they were searching for ANY plot point?
sean: yup. and THREE people searched for that so far this month
jen: fucking awesome! you don’t know what # you were, by any chance?
sean: shows up as #2 on mine
sean: only being beaten by the fucking IMDB ENTRY
jen: clearly there isn’t enough discourse going on regarding the plot of Cool Runnings.
sean: you have the Jamaican power jen!
jen: i do! i totally do!
jen: did you know that in lieu of pay, John Candy actually worked for scotch?
jen: so those scenes where he looked hung over, he was actually hung over. he worked Method.
sean: i would say that sounds like an excellent plan, but he also died on the set of a film
jen: well, sometimes you sacrifice all for your craft.

Ron Silver Abortion

jen: I wonder if there’s any way we can ensure that we stay on top of the Ron Silver Abortion game.
jen: which would be an awesome, yet deeply disturbing, home game.
jen: the object of the game is to not roll Ron Silver.
sean: the packaging would be….outstanding
sean: “i rolled an abortion! i get to move past time cop and go directly to the west wing!”
jen: but if you roll snakeeyes, watch out! detour into schlocky B vampire movie!
sean: “crap, mistaken for dennis miller. go back 3 spaces!”
jen: this is one of those times when i wish i knew more about ron silver.
jen: of course, at all other times i’m glad i don’t. yet…
sean: i’ve pretty much exhausted my knowledge of him. we’d have to make up the rest to fill out the abortion game.
jen: personally i can’t get over the idea of rolling a Ron Silver, then having him roar into your living room to perform an abortion
jen: although that would probably only happen in the commercial. at the end they’d have to put a disclaimer: “Ron Silver does not actually roar into your living room to perform an abortion.”
jen: also in this scenario, for some reason i’m thinking of Al Pacino instead of Ron Silver.
sean: hooooha!
sean: now that’s an overly enthusiastic abortion
jen: I was very excited to learn I wasn’t going to get an abortion from Ron Silver.

Lord Piñata

sean: i’m eating easter candy. does that make me a bad jew?
jen: you can’t eat the candy if you’ve killed our Lord.
jen: unless, while he was being crucified, he was stuck with a spear and candy fell out
sean: oooh. our lord the piñata. the holy grail was actually a candy bowl!
jen: i can’t decide if that was the most sacreligious thing i’ve ever thought. it certainly felt like it.
sean: it’s pretty hilariously sacrilegious. i think the flames of hell are lapping at your heals a little bit more after that one
jen: now i’m picturing mary magdalene wailing on the ground, gathering up hard candy in her headscarf.
sean: she loved caramel almost as much as she loved that rascal jesus. in a platonic sort of way, of course.
jen: who even knows with jesus. they probably played sex games where he covered her in Magic Shell then commanded her to RISE FROM THE DEAD! ”
sean: deliciously naughty. they just etched your name into your seat in hell
jen: this being, of course, where the tradition of hollow easter chocolate comes from.
sean: ah. i wish they would have kept it the naked lady instead of the bunny
jen: it’s a metaphor.
sean: screw the metaphor, i want lady chocolate!
jen: you’d screw that too.
sean: it’d fall apart. and that just wouldn’t do.
sean: jesus was all about the loose women and empty calories.

Myspace’s New Motto

(while walking to the liquor store before Jason’s band plays nearby)

Sean: I’m glad I found out about this. Ha, MySpace, bringing people together.
Jason: Yeah, it’s not the usual: Bringing together child molesters and 12 year old girls.
Woman walks out of the store, giving Jason a disgusted look.
Jason (apologetic): Um, no I didn’t mean… It’s…it’s a myspace joke.
Sean: Worst time to walk in on THAT conversation I guess.

It’s Always Complicated With Clowns

(discussing sean’s living arrangements)

sean: [name redacted] would only be back for a month. she suggested rooming up for the weekdays and she’d go with her parents on the weekends. and then, next time she came back, at least one person in the main house would have moved out and she’d go in there… wow, can’t believe i got that out between the clown sex and rimming.

Political Actors

sean: hahahahaha. thanks to our little time travel conversation, the 11th google result for “abortion, ron silver” is the quotes page
jen: “abortion, ron silver”? why would anybody be searching for that?
sean: someone must be curious about ron silver’s abortion stance. next query “child labor, steven segal”
jen: “equal housing rights, lou diamond phillips”
sean: “unemployment benefits, ralph macchio”
jen: “literacy pledge drives, kathy ireland”
sean: “homeless shelters, lance henriksen”
jen: “wastewater management practices, antonio sabato jr.”
sean: “teen pregnancy, dean cain”
jen: “affordable health care, kristanna loken”
sean: “international silver trading, robert patrick”
jen: “international microchip exporting, alexandra paul”
sean: “anti-fur campaigning, rutger hauer”
jen: “german reunification, michael shanks”
sean: “religious tolerance, treat williams”
jen: but isn’t treat williams already on that wb show where everyone practices christian values?
sean: damnit! you’re right. Holier Than Thou, Alaska, i think it’s called
jen: wasn’t it “Rocking Chair Hill, Wisconsin”?
sean: i’m pretty sure it’s “Oral Isn’t Sex, Wyoming”
jen: “It’s Not Gay If You’re Receiving, Tennessee”
sean: hahaha. now that’s a place to raise a family
jen: oh, you card. you know there’s no raising families in a town like that!

Sequelmania

(while perusing an upcoming movie sequel site)

jen: “Charlie’s Angels 3 is going to be a lot more like the TV series. And I am absolutely thrilled that my good friend John Travolta is going to have a cameo role!”
jen: that screaming sound you hear is my brains exiting my skull at high velocity.
jen: “Die Hard 4.0: John McClane is retired from the police force in this fourth installment, with computers will figure largely in the story line.”
jen: a futuristic computing device, you say!
sean: “The Brazilian Job” {sequel to The Italian Job}
sean: Marky Mark takes on his most devious enemy yet…the bikini line!
jen: Indiana Jones 4: The Adventure of Making This Movie Before the Principal Cast DIES
jen: “Update of the 1979 vampire film Love at First Bite about Dracula who moves to New York to find a bride. “Second Bite” takes place 25 years later, centering on Dracula’s Americanized son, who has rejected his family’s heritage and is getting married to a human. Trouble ensues when he learns that his vampire relatives are coming to America for the wedding”
jen: It’s a comedy of errors!
sean: holy shit, i thought you were kidding. that’s…that’s not right
jen: spiderman 3: with topher grace as the new villain, “Dr. Daintyfop”!
sean: Straight Out of Compton 2
Cast: Blair Underwood, Blair Underwood, Blair Underwood
sean: that’s a lot of underwood
sean: Usual Suspects 2: Searching For Keyser Soze & His Bags of Sequel Money

This Job Pay Much?

topic: computer job interview questions

Jen: “Uh huh, it says here that you used to intern at Bell Labs. Tell me, what do you think about head?”
“Personally, I love it. Think about it all the time. Right now, in fact. So, you have two years of database experience?”

and later

“How do you handle large amounts of data? Really? I like to use these.”
At this point, reach into your desk and pull out two giant oven mitts.

and even later

“Do you like my hat?”

“You’re not wearing a hat.”

“I’m sorry, but you need to be a team player to fit in around here.”

The Ron Silver Rule

[online debate. subject: Time Travel.]

Jen: if watching Back to the Future taught me anything, it’s that your past and future selves cannot meet, or else you destroy the universe.
Sean: i dunno. if i take Timecop as gospel (and why wouldn’t i?!), then they couldn’t fight because they’d cancel each other out and cease to exist if they touched. poor Ron Silver.
Jen: interesting. but if they exist in the same moment, why does touching even matter?
Sean: something about the same object not being able to exist in the same space. van damme probably did the splits to distract from this plot point.
Jen: but they DON’T exist in the same space. they’d only exist in the same space if Ron Silver A’s atoms materialized in the EXACT SAME place as Ron Silver B’s, and in that case Ron Silver A would probably explode or something anyway.
Sean: i guess touching was enough of an overlap to cause problems. it’s not like they were making out or anything. just a bump.
Jen: if Ron Silver A is just fighting Ron Silver B, their molecules don’t exist in the same place at the same time at all – they’re just foxyboxing. i find this “Timecop” premise ludicrous.
Sean: in van damme’s universe, it was close enough.
Jen: but it’s NOT close enough!
Sean: the universe rounds up.

Babies R Delicious

madeline: nerd
sean: geek
madeline: pedophile
sean: baby cannibal
madeline: puppy shishkababer
sean: raccoon fornicator
madeline: atheist
sean: mormon
madeline: my computer got unplugged. mike did it…christian fundamentalist.
sean: always blaming others…..republican
madeline: i put blame where blame is due… anti-abortion doctor-killer.
sean: a likely story….televangelist
madeline: bake me cookies… apartheid supporter.
sean: bake your own cookies…. bush cabinet member
madeline: i’m busy – you do it…prussian blue fan.
sean: the kitchen is full already…..holocaust denier
madeline: … mel gibson fan.
sean: paris hilton stalker
madeline: katie holmes impregnator
sean: scientologist missionary
madeline: missionary-style purist
sean: abstinence only teacher
madeline: god-made-aids-to-punish-gay-people believer
sean: abu ghraib prison manual author
*insert problem with displaying a picture in the chat window*
madeline: it would’ve worked fine if you hadn’t mucked it up… funny picture sabotager.
sean: i live to thwart your efforts….carrot top fanclub president.
madeline: you are a vile, vile monster… martha stewart sexer-upper.
sean: my cruelty knows no bounds…..michael jackson defense fund contributor
madeline: talker-during-the-quiet-parts-in-the-movie-theater-er.
sean: Perfect Strangers erotic fanfic writer
madeline: now that’s just going too far!
sean: haha! i win!